If I could put into words the value of the events that toook place today 2000 years ago, I would. But I cannot. I struggle with understanding, comprehending the reality of the level of love and humility that put Jesus on a cross for us. I understand the facts that happened but the reality is so far beyond my reach and comprehension it is troubling. And that above all else bothers me.
I can read the Gospel and the Passion but they are just stories to me. I understand that they were real events that occured (for the most part) but to accept that they happened to real people, that God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit are more than just characters seems so far beyond me that it troubles me. Others have no problem with grasping the reality of Jesus on the cross and yet to me it seems to be so far beyond my abilities. I believe that I am so far away from Jesus that my only view of Him is in shadows and smoke and that that view will never change. To me there is this huge chasm between me and Him that will never be overcome and that I keep making the chasm bigger. I seem to lack all the qualities and abilities required to be even a mediocre Catholic. I struggle, I do my best to pray but it seems my efforts are pretty much in vain and that I keep continuing in the wrong direction on purpose. It seems to me that I must be sabotaging my own efforts, not listening to God, not obeying Him, something, everything, because all I seem to do is end up eight steps behind. And this seems to be the continuing if not out all permanent state of my faith life. I want it to change but I do not think it will. I still continue on struggling even though I believe it will only result in failure. And yet by writing this I seem to be digging myself in even deeper, that I am “murmuring” as St. Benedict writes in his rule. I talk about it, do something to change it, and yet am stuck in the same place. So what am I doing so wrong that I can never do anything right?