So I haven’t been here, since what, before Easter? I did have plans to update, even tell about where the point I am at in my faith. I had been thinking about it for awhile. But writing things out anymore seems to be more difficult to me. While I have never been good at words, they have been one area that I have been better in than others. Typing things up, posting here or to my Livejournal account, doing homework, etc. have come something to avoid, just not do, think about and not follow through. The only reason I’m posting this here now is because I was reading another person’s blog who uses wordpress, though about my own here, and thought about and actually logged in.
I just don’t have the desire to do half the things I think I should be doing. I keep hearing that I should be doing at least fifty things a day, cleaning my apartment once a day, washing all the dishes, always taking out the trash, saying fifty decades of the Rosary, reading five books at once (well, with textbooks and fun reading I actually am doing this), volunteering for four hours daily, visiting neighbors and friends and family, calling those not in the same city, praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet, doing another two loads of laundry, baking cookies, and all of this before lunch! Yes, I hear that all the time and I’m sorry, but sometimes the only energy I have is to drag myself out of bed. Yet I feel so guilty that somehow I’m not doing nor will ever do enough to make anyone let alone God happy. I still have a pile of stuff that needs to go to Goodwill next to the front door that has been sitting there since I moved in three years ago. I just have no desire to haul it down to my car and take it to Goodwill. I just have no desire. I want to change, have tried to, and it only seems to get worse. Then I complain about it in my blog and not only does it get worse but nothing will ever get done.
I’d like to be able to talk to someone in real life about all this but the two friends I do have are not close friends and I wouldn’t talk to them about this anyways. One I withdrew from because her one daughter was having a child (I was giving my friend space, so I thought, to be with her family) which was my friend’s first grandchild. The other I met through Music ministry at my parish (though I left due to the rotten treatment I was receiving and the way the program was being run by the music director at the time who prefered that the members of the choirs were physically pretty, didn’t follow the teachings of the Church and agreed with everything she said while ruining good music and playing stuff that no one in their right mind would play while putting down and harrassing anyone she didn’t like which was quite a few people especially me) but our relationship seems more like a business relationship or good aquaintance rather than a friendship. I know that I am at fault for these things but really, I just don’t want to go to friendship and have that stab me in the back like it has in the past. Because, honestly, I have no idea how to be a friend or how to keep friends or how to make friends.
So people tell me to pray about it. Well, I’m sorry but prayer has done nothing for me. Oh, I still pray just don’t expect them to be answered or worth anything. I understand that it’s completely my fault since somehow I have done something, am somethin so wrong that my prayers aren’t worth it. I know that having been raised in an environment where I was told that I was going to Hell just for existing does not a belief in God make. I can’t believe in a loving God, at least not one that loves me. It isn’t God’s fault. It’s mine. I understand that He exists, that He loves people. I just can’t fathom, just can’t believe that anyone let alone God would want to love me. I know people can, kind of, sort of like me but not love me. Since I know I’m not required to like anyone and therefore the reverse holds true, it’s not a big deal. Yeah, that might leave me alone and maybe lonely but that’s been my life for so long that it really doesn’t matter. Who really needs friends anyways? I guess I’m expecting something that isn’t going to happen. I change but nothing else does so why bother.
It’s like we’re required to have every minute of every day filled and accounted for. Why? Why does every minute, every second have to be done doing something? Why can’t there be peace and quiet? Anything I read anymore says that I need to fill the minutes waiting in line reading a spiritual book, that time in the car should be spent praying the Rosary and the Divine Mercy Chaplet at the time I’m in the car and no listening to music or just no sound not even the engine and outside noises, that from the minute we rise to the minute we go to bed that every minute be full and filled with activity even though it is mindless activity? Thinking, boredom are discouraged even prohibited, so sinful that it means that there is something is wrong if we engage in these things.
Why have a belief when you don’t even have the faith? I mean, I believe but don’t have the faith. I was taught and seems to hold true that you either have faith or you don’t. It’s something you have or don’t have and even praying for it doesn’t matter. I think some may not necessarily have faith but have the capacity for it and others just will never have the capacity for it so will never have faith no matter how much they pray for faith. I believe that I don’t have the capacity required for faith. I pray for it but don’t receive it. I figure I don’t get it because it’s going to someone who really deserves it and can really use it, really believes. Me, well, I don’t deserve it. I mean, I’m always doing everything wrong and God can’t give infinite chances so I must have used up all mine already and He’s gone on to those that really will listen and deserve His help. I don’t have a problem since it’s one of my own doing. Hey, I probably am going to Hell anyways and it will be my own fault anyways since I’m pretty screwed up as it is. Why waste His time on me when He can actually help those who will actually respond?
I guess I can say I believe in God, believe in the Sacraments, just can’t believe that I am loved, that somehow I’m doing everything wrong and have done so from get the get go, that I have run out of second chances through my own fault, that if God had take a chance on me that I’ve screwed it up, that I’m running around in circles changing myself and yet seems like that I’m not listening and not changing and not getting anywhere because I’m just so incapable of finding the answers, of finding God. I just screw it up. I ask for help and get nowhere, cause hey, I screw up things even when I know I’m doing the right things. But sorry, I don’t trust God, don’t trust Jesus. Why should I when all I have ever done is not trust them so why should they even take a chance on me? I do everything, listen, pray, wait, whatever and all it seems to result in is me in the same place as before or worse off but then it’s always my fault so it doesn’t matter. Because if I trust them then I don’t exist, that I am an even bigger screw up than I possible thought and really am going to go to Hell, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. Because I’m wrong and that if they really do take a chance on me, really do listen to me, then I am so screwed up that it can’t possibly be. It just doesn’t hold.
I’ll stop here for now. I am so going to beat myself up over this later.