Well, do you? It starts Friday. I’ve had several things I wanted to post in here but haven’t. I’m working through some things right, one of which might be that I have some sort of attention deficit disorder and/or a mental health issue.
I do recommend The Red Hat by Ralph McInnerny, the author of the Father Dowling mysteries. He wrote it back in 1998 and is about the current state of the Church is many way and a bit of foreshadowing of what could happen to the Church should certain events happen. It still holds true today. Whenever I read anything by McInnerny, I always question the depth and validity of my faith, what should be done about it, the state of the Church, and other issues. That’s good but then it doesn’t last long.
I struggle with my faith. I learned long ago that one either had faith or didn’t have faith and that to fully have faith one had to believe with every fiber of their being. Well, I figured out at some point I don’t have that kind of faith and apparantly am incapable of believing with every fiber of my being. Of course one is told to pray for faith but then why? If you didn’t have faith in the first place, asking for it seems rather selfish. Asking God for anything seems rather selfish. I understand intellectually that it’s okay to ask for God for things but the rest of me learned over a long time asking for anything only meant that I definitely wasn’t going to get it and that I was going to be punished for asking. And why bother asking God if He didn’t give it to you in the first place? There’s a reason that you didn’t receive A, B, or C in the first place and to ask for A, B, or C is rude and demonstrates that you are unworthy of A, B, or C. That’s what I was taught and what I picked up.
Then I get people telling me that it’s okay to ask and nothing will happen to me and to just change my thinking. Hello, that way of thinking doesn’t happen overnight and it can’t be changed overnight like they expect. When you hear things like “Bad girls like you are going to Hell” repeated all the time throughout your life, you can’t just get over it. I can understand that God is love but I am still going to Hell no matter how I’m forgiven and how oftern I parake of the Sacraments and live a holy life. That’s what’s going through my head. God can love other people and since there are so many other people, I just don’t register on the radar. He might get around to me when He has the time and remembers me but till then I’m on my own. And I figure if I keep writing it out and telling God that, everyone will be happy because, hey I get it. I’m not important to anyone and I’m not loved. I get it. So why isn’t it getting any better? It’s the truth. I guess I want something that will never happen.