I have anger issues. I am willing, however uncomfortable, to admit that. I learned anger as a response to not getting my way, to not having people agree with me from my mother who used anger and violence to manipulate everyone around her. So I have to deal with that legacy. While I am not responsible for learning, I am responsible for my choices and actions regarding anger.
I belong to a Catholic internet forum that, most of the time, is a pretty great place to hang out. But, there I times when all I want to do is post really rude and horrible posts in reply to posts that have made me angry. I just want to smack somebody down, make them feel hurt, make them feel pain. So earlier, I created another membership and started to do just that. Unfortunately, I should have not done that at all. I’ve gone back and deleted some of the posts I’ve made but now I’m pretty certain I’ve also committed a mortal sin. I won’t be able to receive the Eucharist at Mass in the morning. I couldn’t anyways because I’m getting over a cold and allergies but still, I put myself in that place by my choices. Thankfully, the parish where I go to Confession has Confession tomorrow. I intend to go. But that doesn’t deal with the bigger problem: anger and lack of charity towards others. Granted, those are the two areas where I need the most work and definitely need God’s grace the most. And yet, I don’t learn. I know that I won’t change overnight but I would still like not to do these things at all, to commit sin at all. Won’t happen overnight.
I won’t be looking at certain sections of that forum for a while but still, why do I keep doing this? Why this need to smack somebody down, give into my anger when I already know that it’s going to hurt me more than anybody else? I understand it’s about control but also this need to be not hurt. And I hate being wrong. Being told I’m wrong even when I’m correct really hurts because the other person not only refuses to take me seriously they also send me the message that anything I have to say is worthless so I shouldn’t bother speaking at all. I have to learn to get over this. I just wish it would happen overnight so I wouldn’t have to keep dealing with this. It won’t. I hate having to fight against me.