Everyone wants to heal. But they never really tell you that it’s difficult. Oh they say it, but you don’t quite believe them. Right now I’m going through a really rough, tough patch in my healing process and there are times when I wish I wasn’t. My emotions are all over the place. I cry too easily. I fall back into depression. I feel like there is no future, that I can’t get any farther, that where I am at now (especially in regards to career) is where I will always be. It doesn’t help that my abuser doesn’t recognize, refuses to admit that she abused me and that her choices affected me and affected me deeply. Some days are so bad that I honestly don’t want to get out of bed, don’t want to go to work or do anything.
It’s tough and it isn’t fun. But, once I get through this, I hope that I will be better than I am now. That is the only thing that makes it worth it. Pain without purpose seems pointless especially when you are trying to heal. It doesn’t help that I can’t really explain or talk about this with people largely because they won’t/don’t/can’t understand or I’ve tried in the past to talk about my abuse and haven’t been believed or I’m just comfortable discussing this with some people.