As the title says, depression sucks. I’m stuck in a spiral, out of control, everything is getting worse world where no one even notices that I’m hurting or refuses to acknowledge it or want me to hide everything I feel because making them feel bad is the unforgivable sin.
I’m too fat. Jeans I only bought two months ago have become too small. I seem to gain weight even though I don’t eat bad food full of sugar.
I’m so bad that I deserve to go to Hell just like my mother and the traditionalists always say. I starting to really believe it. I must not be lovable or likable and I certainly don’t have any talents or gifts. I’m just a useless, worthless, waste of space that deserves to die. People would be much happier if I was gone. I’m not even a person. I don;t matter. No one notices or cares if I’m here or not. People say God does but it He cares about everyone so I’m not even a blip on the radar. People say they at I’m doing this for attention, that I stay this way because I like being a victim. No I fucking to do not want to be this way.
I want to be loved, I want to be good at something. I want to be a person. I want to be cared for. I want to be noticed and remember. I want to go to Heaven not be damned to Hell. I want to be special. I want to be the go to person. I want to be perfect. I want to be more than a stupid mental illness. I want not to cry anymore. I want to have actual dreams that actually come true rather than having to squash them in order to make everyone else happy or because I always make bad decisions. I want to make good decisions. I want to be thin. I want to be pretty instead of the real ugly idiot that I am. I want to be more. I don’t want to have to settle for scraps. I want to be free. I don’t want to be like my mother. I want to be me whoever that is. I want to be a real woman not the fake woman everyone else wants me to be. I don’t want to be the boy my parents wanted and so when they were disappointed that I wasn’t they abused and neglected me. I don’t want to be abused or hurt. I want to be accepted for who I am. I want traditionalists to shut up and get lost. I want to be something. I want to be a federal agent. I want people to take me seriously. I want people to stop ignoring me. I want people to acknowledge that a single woman is not a heresy or bad person or a failure or not a person because she isn’t married or has kids or what not. I don’t want to keep eating emotionally. I don’t want to be fat. I want to be real.