After reading this post at The Church Fanatic (I am in the process of writing an article about it for this blog but I am doing a lot of research for it so it will be a while) and seeing this thread at CAF, it seems like the Traditionalists are trying to out-extreme the extreme fundamentalists. What’s worse, is that they seem to be able to convince innocent people that their opinions are Church dogma and that if they don’t follow they are going to Hell. To top that, I get persuaded that I am not being a good enough Catholic, I start thinking all these horrible thoughts that I need to dress in a burqa, consider myself leading men into sin if they see my wrist, and that I need to go to the Latin Mass because the Mass I attend isn’t good enough even though I wouldn’t want to go anywhere near those kinds of people and there isn’t one near me anyways.
Actually, traditionalists have had such an impact on me that my thoughts go towards thinking
-I am horrible just for being born a woman (not true) (what’s worse is hearing this kind of claptrap from women who hate themselves) God made me woman. God doesn’t make junk therefore I am not horrible for being born a woman
-not wearing skirt/dresses all time means I’m not dressing right (I’ve gained so much weight due to my depression that I only fit into my pants)
-that I need to be a stay at home mom (I’m not married nor do I feel called to marriage and I have to stipulate that this thought is along the lines of I have to be a stay at home mom but everyone else that is other women can have careers and hobbies and such while I have to stay home and never go out except to Mass) ( it goes along with my depression and the thought processes that I learned/fell into growing up) I was taught/learned that I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t smart enough, wasn’t athletic enough, wasn’t pretty enough so the only thing I was good for was being a mother and staying home. Yes, my mother used to tell me I was stupid, that I wouldn’t amount to anything, and that I was going to Hell. Can we say screwed up? Oh, she loved to tell me I was fat when I was a size 6.
-that I am going to Hell because I’m not getting it, not living the Catholic faith “right”, not praying the Rosary 24/7 (I actually pray three decades of it on the way home from work because the local Catholic radio station airs it when I get off in the morning but I have issues with the concept to mother and Mary as my mother when my own mother abused me. Plus, I want a mother all to myself and not one I have to share. I know that’s selfish but that’s where I’m at emotionally when it comes to healing from the mother’s abuse. Again, this comes from the traditionalists who want conformity and uniformity and not the universality that is the Church. Traditionalists are so focused on the external that Jesus and God are practically forgotten except as a hammer to beat people over the head with to force people to follow the “traditionalist’ way of doing things.
There are more and they are usually worse at work (I work graveyard security and the radio doesn’t work in my patrol vehicle so I’m left with my thoughts). Suffice it to say, I need to get in touch with my inner bitch. What I mean by that is accepting and being pleased with the fact that I am a woman, that I have power as woman, and that I can and do make things happen. That I can and should stand up for myself. That taking care of myself is okay. That I matter as a person. That I am worthy of love and respect, not because of what I do but because of who I am.
I am me and that is Good.
I do not need to be afraid of me as I was taught. I am not a bad person because my mother said so or because I don’t adhere to some anonymous traditionalist’s ideal.
I am me and God is okay with that. He loves me for me. He created me. Like I said, He doesn’t make junk.