Taking the Next Step

As I’ve posted on here before, I have depression.  Until yesterday, I  hadn’t done anything about it.  Saying I had depression was one thing.  It didn’t mean it was real.  It didn’t mean it was real or that I was really broken.  That I didn’t have all my shit together.

My depression was ephemeral, out of sight, out of mind in many ways.  I said the word depression to differentiate me from everybody else but I still wasn’t different.

Being mentally ill is not, was not something I wanted to be.

Aren’t most people who are depressed not really depressed at all but just not handling things very well?  I’ve heard that, read that.

Heard that people with depression or any mental illness aren’t really sick, they’re just looking for attention.

Mental illness is complete poppycock and totally made up.

If you have a mental illness, you really have unconfessed mortal sin, most likely unconfessed sexual sin on your soul.

No one who is a real Christian has a mental illness.  Only unbelievers and atheists get mental illnesses since they don’t have Jesus as the center of their lives.

If I was just married, stayed at home, and hat kids I would be happier.

If I dressed like Mary and never had an education and let a man run my life, I wouldn’t be this way.

If I was best friends with my parents and called them every day I wouldn’t be depresses.

I’ve heard or read or thought pretty much all of that.  But that’s not true.  None of that is true.

I have depression.  I was abused.  These are facts.  These things are real and true for me and they impact my life.  So what if it makes me a bad Catholic?  So what if I don’t have my shit together?  So what if I’m not married?  These things wouldn’t cure my depression.  Dealing with the abuse and neglect caused by my mother that led to the depression I have now will treat it, not waving some magic wand and waving it all away like so many Christians/Catholics do.  They ignore mental illness or say it is all made up and put down, belittle, ignore, and down right abuse those who have mental illnesses.  WHY?  Because they feel and believe their opinion that mental illness is against the Catholic faith is held by the Church and has to be enforced by them.

So if I get kicked out of my parish because of my depression, it’s because people refuse to understand that people are broken and hurt and that that burt and brokenness was caused by supposedly good and faithful Catholics and supposedly good and caring parents.

I took the first step and got help.  I now have medication.  I will get better even if it means I have to lose my job and my parish. I am important and I need to take care of myself.  I don’t care if people think that I am being selfish and unCatholic and disobeying the Church by not praying the Rosary fifty times a day as a magic cure.  I am tired of thinking of myself as a damned worthless, useless, unlovable person just because I am a woman, because I heard that growing up, and that that’s what I am supposed to tell myself to be considered a “good Catholic woman.”

I am taking care of me and I don’t give a shit what the world thinks about.  Remember, I am getting in touch with my inner bitch and she wants me to take care of myself and to love me for who I am.

The next step is to get counseling.



Type this later, if I remember.

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