I meant to update yesterday but yesterday turned into one of my really, really, really bad days. One of those days that all I wanted to do was hide under the blankets and never come out. Sleep and never wake up. I was numb. Really numb. Then, after finally getting my act together long enough (I had some errands to run) I wanted to run away. I mean really run away, start over somewhere new, a new life, new job, new name, new everything.
I have had these feelings before. This time I don’t know if they are a part of the effects of the new medication or not and won’t know for at least another week or two. I still don’t want to go to work tonight. I just want to stay home and do nothing. I am not one to play hooky. I have worked this job for over two years without a real day off beyond the weekend I get. I am bored. I am numb. I feel useless. I feel like I should be doing something more. I feel like I’ve been pigeon-holed and that I’ve settled and nothing is going to change at all from now one. That this is my life for the rest of my life.
I don’t really have friends and the friends I do have I wouldn’t tell them about my depression. They wouldn’t understand. Telling my family isn’t going to happen. They definitely wouldn’t understand and say I’m making things up, as usual. (Considering all the garbage that goes along with my depression and healing from my abuse is all largely the result of my family, this isn’t all that surprising.)
Sorry this isn’t one of my longer posts but it’s just a bad time for me.