No, I’m not in the penalty box in a hockey game. It’s where I feel I am in regards to several issues that I’m dealing with right now.
First, the medication I am on now does actually seem to be working. However, switching from being a graveyard shift to a dayshift is causing havoc on my body. It’ll be several months before everything settles down. With the new schedule, I have managed to get away from one of the biggest work problems and that’s a good thing for me. My body and mind still haven’t realized it yet but they will and things will be much better. Another good thing about being on dayshift is that I am doing a lot more so my energy level goes up. It also means I’m more tired at the end of the day but I also feel like I accomplished things and actually did something.
Second, I am and am not sure I can handle going back to Mass. I was able to finally attend an All Saints day vigil Mass Monday night. Yet, I am having problems with the thoughts in my head. Reading the stupid crap traditionalists have written on CAF and whatnot have really screwed me up. I still have thoughts about how to bash on women (they worthless, useless, always causing men to sin, should be stay at home mothers and wives, women are property, never to be educated, etc) which is really bad since I’m a woman. I hate that I’ve learned to hate myself because of my sex. My own family didn’t acknowledge the fact that I was a woman. I had to figure that out on my own. I was made to hate and ignore my own body because I was a woman and because I wasn’t what my parents wanted. Now in my attempts to get away from that I’m running right back into it from so called traditionalists and faithful Catholics. I won’t even get into the whole Quiverfull/Patriarchy/Vision Forum fringe garbage. It’s like any advancements women have made are forgotten or ignored or labeled satanic and that if women just went back to being their husbands’ slaves then everything would be perfect. No it wouldn’t. Denying who you are and what you like and squashing all that down and stuffing it into a box is bad but that’s what many want. They think of women as children and property not as people. And many of the people with this attitude are WOMEN. Why do women fear other women so much that they have to strike out and hurt them?
Third, I’m still stuck on the idea that other people get to do things that I am not allowed to do. Like, they get to be happy and I have to be miserable. They get to have dreams and lives they want and all I get is a dead end job with no possibility of advancement and stuck for the next thirty years. Or they get to live their faith however they want (with in reason) and I have to follow a strict regime of rules and prayers and still not be a good Catholic. Or that they get to spank and I don’t. Now, I don’t advocate spanking but this is where this all stems from. I got spanked, largely for anything and everything, especially for stuff my sisters did, while my sisters got rarely spanked if at all. At least, growing up, I figured on some level that eventually I would be able to spank someone smaller and weaker than me and my rage and anger would be satisfied. I feel like this got taken away from me, that my ability to spank and punish and hurt and let out the rage and anger were taken away from me and all I’m left with is this feeling of being told to suck it up this is the way things are going to be from now. That’s it. But wait, nobody else had these things taken from them because they never had them in the first place. My sisters never had the rage or the anger or the pointless blaming for other people’s wrongs. I got all that but they got away with murder and it hurts. It hurts that they had my mother’s love and all I had was my mother’s anger and rage. That’s the legacy she left me. She never showed me love. It was either rage, anger, neglect, or indifference. Very little praise and never any love.
I think this is why I have a hard time making women friends (plus, I’ve been “betrayed” by several girl friends in the past) and look for someone to take her place. I never had a mother in the emotional sense. I physically have a mother but we have no emotional connection. She doesn’t love me and I don’t love her. What little love she did have she gave to my sisters. Now I’m not saying my mother is evil or bad. I realize, after reading several psychology books, that she was raised this way and didn’t make the choices to break free of this parenting. It wasn’t largely her fault, it’s just the failings of past generations that have continued on down to mine. My dad’s family wasn’t much better but his was also much larger and much different. There was affection but my dad didn’t really know how to relate to having all girls. They still are guilty of some things but not everything.
So I have a hard time with the concept of a loving God. Distant, sure. Occasionally there for a special moment, definitely. But unconditional love is not something I’ve ever know or experienced so it’s not something I can fathom. It’s too difficult. It’s not real. It can’t be real. Someone love me for me? You have to be kidding me. I’m used to conditional love. Being loved only for what I can do and not being loved when I can’t. Only being “loved” when I make someone else look good. I understand unconditional love in an intellectual sense but not in a heart/emotional sense because like I’ve said, I’ve never experienced it. Yet I am asked to believe something I cannot wrap my mind around, that I am loved. Actually, it’s more like I don’t want to believe. When you’ve been unlovable as long as I have, being loved really screws things up.
I have no emotional attachment to the Catholic faith, at least it doesn’t engender an emotional response in me. I almost feel burned out, numb even. I don’t want to go to Mass. Confession, sure. It’s the first step in going back but yet, it’s easier and harder as well. I believe everything the Church teaches but the people make it hard. The people and Jesus. I don’t connect with any of them. Being emotionally damaged, it is hard. Right now, I’m not sure I can handle Mass. I need to go but my body and my emotions can’t handle it. Not right now.