Archive for December, 2011

Darkness and Light

I finally get to go back on my medication.  I went to the doctor this morning and found out that I should have been able to pick up the next phase in my medication but it wasn’t made clear to me.  It totally sucked to find that out.  It also sucked to find out that I needed to tell the pharmacy tech that I had a 90 day  supply and not a 30 day supply to pick up.  I was in tears most of the morning.  But at least I get to go back on the medication.  That should help because this past week has been Hell.

Up till this week, it had been years since I had any sort of suicidal thoughts but this weeks brought about those thoughts.  Thankfully, I didn’t have them long or act on them but they were still there and they still happened.   That’s a really fucked up week.

We have a real ass at work.  I already have to deal with chauvinistic pig (a “man” who sees women as objects to please him sexually) and a misogynistic pig ( “man” that sees women as less than and worthless than men and as property and not people) at work, now I’ve got another pig who is a misogynistic pig that is also a bully and a tattle tale.  I have to give this “man” a break in the morning but he refuses to leave (which is against state law, I think, and our post orders), talks down to me, treats me like I’m an idiot, and tells me how to do my job when I’ve worked there longer and know more than he does.  But I’m not the only one he does this to.  He’s also been a bully to other coworkers (male) and harasses our supervisors (though the one doesn’t care) but until he does something really egriguous he won’t be fired.  He’s taken the tactic of wearing us down so that it gets to the point that we are so tired of dealing with him that we won’t say anything so that he gets away with all this since all we want to do is do what we have to and then leave.

Thursday I got so fed up with his attitude that I told him that he needed to leave for his break (like I said this is the rule) and that if he didn’t leave then I was going to leave and he wasn’t going to get a break.  He whined at me that it was cold out.  Well, duh but if I have to work out in it and in much worse weather, he can walk out in it for a few minutes.  He has his jacket on but no, he whined.  I told him he needed to leave.  He told me I could call the supervisor and tell him that he wouldn’t leave.  I told him again that he needed to leave otherwise he wouldn’t get a break and I would leave.   He told me he wasn’t leaving and I told him fine, then he wasn’t getting a break and then left.  He then calls the supervisor to whine about me.  The supervisor then talks to me that I needed to give this asshole a break, in the future, and that if he didn’t want to leave that was okay.  He also said that if he didn’t want a break that was okay but I still needed to write it down in my log that he took one  (which is illegal since our logs are legal documents and that would be perjury and fraud and against the law because he legally has to take a break).  I felt that this asshole was being given all the consideration and I was the one being punished.  I hate how bad coworkers are rewarded and good coworkers are ignored or punished for their bad coworkers bad behavior.  I know all this will turn into something really bad but I’ll be the one hurt and the asshole will get off scot free.

Then there was this thread at CAF and all I wanted to do was give voice to the narcissistic, self-righteous, wrathful asshole that has become a voice in my head.  I wanted to log in under a fake handle and tell her that yes, her daughter is immodest, should be learning how to be a wife and mother not involved in worldly concerns and that these people were right in breaking off the friendship because not only was the daughter bad but the mother is horrible as well. That nasty voice wanted to tell her that her daughter needed to be in dresses all the time as well as her while wearing veils, that Facebook was of the devil, that they both needed to understand that being a wife and mother was the only thing a girl was good for, that they needed to stick permanently to the EF parish because OF parishes are hotbeds of immorality and heresy, and that her and her husband needed to find their daughter a husband fast and have her married as soon as she turned 18.  They also needed to spank her (so what if she is 16) and restrict all her outside access to just Mass and Adoration.  She should not be allowed friends at all.  Her family was all the friends she needed.  She was already in the devil’s clutches and that meant she was leading men and her friends into sin.  They needed to get back on the real Catholic track and things would be right.  Homeschooling wasn’t enough.  They needed to be completely cuff off from all evil influences.

I hate that voice but that voice is now there from the traditionalists, the whole quiverfull/patriarchy garbage that I have read and come in contact with.  What’s worse is that the quiverfull/patriarchy garbage has seeped into Catholic circles especially homeschool and traditionalist circles.  You can see some of it in these friends of the thread’s OP and in other threads on CAF.  I don’t know why this garbage is so exciting and enticing but it is.

This garbage promises control and power and the right path to God and holiness and being better and truly Catholic than Catholics.  You see it every time a new Michael Voris video comes out.  The traditionalists support his rhetoric and name calling and condemning of fellow Catholics and definitely priests and those that see Voris what his video and rhetoric really are are shot down, called heretics and liars and Protestants, and  doing all the same stuff that make Voris problematic to say the least.  Traditionalists don’t crave truth, they crave being right and public adulation for being right and true “Catholics” all the while demeaning and even hurting other Catholics for not agreeing with them.  This thread talks about this pretty well.  Traditionalists are extremely focused on the external thinking this is all that matters when it comes to determining the real Catholic from the Protestant.  They don’t care that the Church Herself allows a lot of variety in prayer and worship.  To traditionalists, external reality determines not only internal reality (which it rarely, if ever, does) it also determines the need for everyone to conform and  who is really a REAL CATHOLIC and who is not.  Actually, traditionalists want conforming and uniformity not unity.  They don’t understand that unity and uniformity don’t mean the same thing.  They don’t want them to be separate things.

For unity and uniformity to be separate things, then they would have to accept that there is more than the EF, more than prayers in Latin, more than living in 1960 with every family like that in Leave it to Beaver or Father Knows Best.  They are so stuck on externals that they don’t see the trees for the forest.  Uniformity means that everything is going the way they want it and doing what they want.  They want clones and automatons not real individuals.  Individuals are to be despised and forced into conformity not appreciated and grateful for being made individuals by God.  Traditionalists are trying to dictate to the Church and to God on how they want to run the Church, which is funny since this is what they accuse other Catholics of doing.

Reading how the rod verse means understanding and developing the child’s abilities and talents from this post by Elizabeth Esther had me in tears.  When all you were taught was fear and terror and pain, having your abilities and talents recognized is hard to handle or consider because that would mean that you were seen as a person worthy of love and respect not an object to be reviled and punished.  I have a hard time understanding or even accepting or even considering that I have talents and abilities.  I wasn’t encouraged to have dreams and the dreams I had very squashed and reviled.  Even right now I have no dreams for the future because the one dream I had and nurtured was dashed repeatedly.  What’s the point in having dreams when all they are going to be is destroyed.  I don’t have dreams.  All I care about now is surviving and getting through the work week.  I have no future.  No possibility of advancement or achievement, no possibility of doing anything useful with my life.

I was raised to fear everything which colors my life so much today.  I look at the things I’ve done like graduate with two different bachelor’s degrees or travel abroad and wonder how I even achieved those kinds of things because all I ever heard was that I was a failure and that I wouldn’t amount to anything.  I did everything to please my parents especially my mother but it was never enough.  I was never smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough, good enough, helpful enough, etc.  I didn’t act exactly as she wanted.  I wasn’t a boy.  I wasn’t perfect though I certainly acted that way thinking it would help.  I was always afraid.  Always afraid to set her off.  Always afraid of doing something wrong and I would be punished and screamed at.  The spanking wasn’t nearly as bad as the screaming.  My mother loved to scream at me.  She loved to shame me and make me feel guilty for every little thing. I still feel that shame today.  I still heap that shame on myself.

I mess up and I blame myself, telling myself I am a failure, that I should have done better, that I knew better and shouldn’t have done it, that I shouldn’t eat that or I needed to lose weight because I am so fucking fat, that I am going to Hell for not being good enough, that God hates me and can’t love me because I’m such a screw up and that if I wasn’t such a horribly evil person things would be so much better, that all the bad stuff that happens like traffic are punishment for my screws up like getting up late and getting to work on time rather than twenty minutes early.  Any more I feel like I need to be punished.  That if I was punished then everything would be better.  That my mother would finally love me.  That I would have friends.  That God would finally love me.  That I would be acceptable as a person.

But I am not punished and I think that I so far gone that I can’t be saved, can’t be helped.  I feel that I need to be punished for God to really love me since that’s how my mother worked.  She spanked me and screamed at me therefore she loved me, right?  I ruined her life when I was sick as the age of six but she didn’t get rid of me like she always threatened.  She kept saying I was going to hell for being a bad girl but I’m already in hell so I’ll never be a good girl even though I was very much the good girl for a very long time.  I thought being the good girl would keep me safe from punishment but it didn’t.  I expect to be punished for every little screw up and sin so even as an adult I have to see bad things as punishments for my very bad decisions (I’m not capable of making good decisions) by God.  I only learned about a God who punishes, not a God loves, well a God who loves everyone else but me.  I’m not lovable.  I’m only good for being punished.  I need to be punished.  Why doesn’t God really punish me like I deserve?  Give me a terrible, incurable disease.  Cause me to be a horrible accident where I lose all physical function.  Kill me.  Punish me. That’s all I deserve.  Love is only for good people.  I am not a good person.  Never have been.  I deserve to die not to live.  Isn’t that what everybody wants?

I hate that I am in this place.  These last few weeks have been hell and this past week pure hell, so bad that I have considered suicide.  Depression is no fun.  I don’t think it will ever get better.  This hell is where I will always live.  That’s what it feels like.

 

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