Archive for March, 2012

Depression and God

Dealing with depression is not easy.  Add faith and it gets much harder especially when some of my triggers come from supposed Catholics and my own rearing in the faith.  Right now I find it hard to get out of bed to go to Mass on Sunday mornings.  I didn’t go today though I did manage to go to Confession. 

It seems like now that I’m treating my depression things are worse not better especially with regards to faith.  I can handle work which is weird but Mass is hard though it’s less to do or deal with than work. 

Then I feel guilty though not going seems to be better for me right now, at least in dealing with unknown crowds.  When I wasn’t dealing with my depression, I made it to Mass every week.  Now I can only seem to manage every other week. 

Add in Catholics who have never had to deal with depression and it gets worse.  They don’t understand that you don’t choose to feel or act this way.  They think that depression is a sin or unconfessed sin.  They think praying one specific prayer once will automatically cure you immediately.  They don’t understand and all they do is cause more hurt, more guilt, more pain, and drive us further from God because when you feel like us you want the quick cure and when it doesn’t happen you think there must be something really wrong with you or that you are being punished or that God hates you.  You are the failure and you are going to stay that way because you are so repulsive that you are ignored by God.

So right now I’m surviving and making it to Mass when I can.  I’m a bad Catholic and I know it.  God have mercy on us all.

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Women Are the “Ebal”

Yes, that’s what I said.  Women are evil, well, according to certain people.  Mainly traddie Catholics and disgustingly, a lot of women.  Especially ones in the traddie camp.  Or ones in the quiverful/patriarchy sects.  And they’re still stuck in my head, give voice to a really nasty element that hates women and is working on making me hate myself for not subscribing and living the way they dictate.  And I want to listen to them because maybe by listening to them life will be better.  My mother will finally love me.  I’ll finally be successful at something.  I’ll be making everybody happy.  What if that is what God really wants for me and I’m disobeying, sinning even by not listening?  I won’t be happy but that doesn’t matter.  I don’t matter.  But the horrible voice is still there.

I finally start therapy in a few weeks after finally making an appointment.  That was scary.  It still is.  What if I that say I’m not sick and that I don’t need help?  What if they say I’m too sick and lock me up for the rest of my life?  The medication only helps a little.  What if I lose my job over this?

I found a WordPress app that finally updates here.  I
wasn’t dead, just not near a computer nor had an app to use.  Plus, work has been really bad. 

The idiot I complained about in the last post is gone but now the idiot I work with opposite grave has turned into an ass.  I believe the asshole is trying to get me fired.  He’s certainly bullying me into doing what he wants by lying about me.  He’s even lied to our boss right in front of me when our boss talked to both of us two weeks ago.  But this ass now has me needing to call into the supervisor when I arrive at work AND making sure that my radio check is a minute before my shift starts even though I don’t get paid for any of it.  Bullied because I’m a woman.  He gets his way and I get punished.  I hate him and I hate how I’m treated.  There’s a lot more going on than I’ve mentioned here but I don’t want that asshole in my head any more than he already is which is way too much.


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