Dealing with depression is not easy. Add faith and it gets much harder especially when some of my triggers come from supposed Catholics and my own rearing in the faith. Right now I find it hard to get out of bed to go to Mass on Sunday mornings. I didn’t go today though I did manage to go to Confession.
It seems like now that I’m treating my depression things are worse not better especially with regards to faith. I can handle work which is weird but Mass is hard though it’s less to do or deal with than work.
Then I feel guilty though not going seems to be better for me right now, at least in dealing with unknown crowds. When I wasn’t dealing with my depression, I made it to Mass every week. Now I can only seem to manage every other week.
Add in Catholics who have never had to deal with depression and it gets worse. They don’t understand that you don’t choose to feel or act this way. They think that depression is a sin or unconfessed sin. They think praying one specific prayer once will automatically cure you immediately. They don’t understand and all they do is cause more hurt, more guilt, more pain, and drive us further from God because when you feel like us you want the quick cure and when it doesn’t happen you think there must be something really wrong with you or that you are being punished or that God hates you. You are the failure and you are going to stay that way because you are so repulsive that you are ignored by God.
So right now I’m surviving and making it to Mass when I can. I’m a bad Catholic and I know it. God have mercy on us all.