I’m not sure what. I had been meaning to write a whole post on compliance and obedience but here it is Good Friday and all I want is Lent to be over. It’s not about being able to eat meat again or being done with fasting. I just don’t want to deal with Christ dying and the emotions that go along with it. I just want to flee, to run away. To not have to deal with the fact that even though I believe I don’t seem to have any faith, that I don’t feel anything.
I read the post that Elizabeth Esther wrote today and it brought up that all I feel is that I’m being pushed away, that I’m holding on and Jesus is pulling my fingers off one by one so that I’ll fall away, that I’m not wanted, that I’m not loved.
Even though Good Friday service is optional, I feel bad if I don’t go, like last year and feel like I have to go because if I don’t it means I’m not really believing, that I don’t love Jesus enough to go, that I’m not doing enough, that I’m not loving enough, that wanting to feel something about my faith is evil and sinful, that I don’t exist to Jesus unless I do everything right.
I feel like if I go I’ll be reminded how lost and unlovable I really am and everyone will know about it, that I’ll be kicked out of church and told to never come back.
For writing so much about how I feel I really don’t feel anything about my Catholic faith. I hear all the time that you shouldn’t feel anything about your faith and if you do feel anything that you might as well be the devil. You have to be stoic and somber and serious and have no feelings to be a good Catholic and never enjoy anything and don’t have a personality at all. Maybe I’m not meant to be Catholic if this is what being a Catholic involves.
Certainly this is what traditionalists think. They just want automatons that spout off their rhetoric about Latin Masses, modernism, feminism, and how the Church went to hell in a handbasket because of Vatican II.
Depression doesn’t help but it isn’t the cause of this either. It’s just a symptom in this case.
Jesus died for me and I don’t want to deal with. That hurts because I’m not lovable like that. None should love me like that. I’m not worthy like that. I don’t do anything even close enough to be worthy of that. I have to do things to be worthy of love. That’s what I’ve always be told and taught. And I’ve never been worthy of love. I’ve never done enough to be worhy of anybody’s love, not my parents, not anybody. I’ve always been a loser and a failure and a disgrace and I’ve never amounted to anything. I shouldn’t be loved at all. I’ve never felt loved only hated. So why would would someone go and do something like that even before I was born?
I don’t get it and I don’t really want to deal with it.