Archive for September, 2012

It Really is A Man’s World

As work has been demonstrating lately.  Actually, more like smashing my face in it.  I reported an incident of bullying at work but the meeting this morning just further proved that what happens to me or what I say is of little consequence.  Basically, it got thrown back at me and lies were spread as fact.  I was the one accused of doing all the wrongdoing when it was this individual who wasn’t doing anything and then harassing me for doing the work of two people and lying about me spreading gossip about him.  I talked to one person about this person who told me I shouldn’t be talking about him and I got the message and never said anything after that.

The Bully confronted me a week later and lied that I was going around to everyone talking about him.  I wasn’t but he’s a liar so this is nothing new.  The confrontation resulted in me having a panic attack and going to another officer to get help in calming down.  But she never saw or heard what happened and kept everything to herself.  I reported tne incident to the supervisor who had me write a statement.  They also got a statement from the Bully who brought up stuff that never happened or was extremely exagerated.  We had a meeting about this this morning and nothing was said about his bullying, only about me falsely gossiping and all the other male managers going along with him and putting all the blame on me.  Tne Bully is tne one not doing his job and lying but because he is a a man he’s believed and I’m not though I’m the one tnat actually does her job above and beyond.

I learned my lesson.  Don’t report anything because it will just blow up in my face.  Being harassed, even sexually, doesn’t matter because I’m a woman.  My words don’t mean anything.  I will be blamed and the guilty party will get a pat on the back. 

I’m keeping my mouth shut from now on. 

Sometimes it totallt sucks being woman.


The Problem of Reality

I’m not talking about being cut off from reality or or unaware of reality.  I’m talking about the fact that what and who I am right now is not what everyone wants me to be.  Who I want me to be.

I hate having depression but I have it.  I can’t cure it, only treat and cope with it.  People think all I have to do is think happy thoughts and everything will be perfect or they don’t think there’s anything wrong at all, that’s it’s all made up.   I have learned to deal with most of this, to ignore the ignorant idiots that say garbage about having depression.

But worse is the constant bombardment about how I look and my weight.  Yes, I’m overweight and for the most part it usually doesn’t bother me too much.  I also know I’m not pretty.  I never have and never will be.  If I lose weight, I’ll still be unpretty and won’t be even remotely attractive to men.  I never have been and I never will be.  And if I lose weight, I will still be ugly.  Right now my weight protects me.  I lose weight and I’m still ugly, still unattractive then I know I really am unlovable.  Right now I can kind of lie to myself and say my weight keeps men away but if I lose the weight and men still are mot interested then it proves that I really am the failure my mother has always said I was and made me to be.  That I really am ugly, that no one will ever love me.  I don’t want to lose weight and end up hurting myself further, making myself even more worthless than I am now.

But if I don’t lose the weight, I could potentially have health problems.  And I’d still be ugly.  I hate this.


Type this later, if I remember.

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