The Problem of Reality

I’m not talking about being cut off from reality or or unaware of reality.  I’m talking about the fact that what and who I am right now is not what everyone wants me to be.  Who I want me to be.

I hate having depression but I have it.  I can’t cure it, only treat and cope with it.  People think all I have to do is think happy thoughts and everything will be perfect or they don’t think there’s anything wrong at all, that’s it’s all made up.   I have learned to deal with most of this, to ignore the ignorant idiots that say garbage about having depression.

But worse is the constant bombardment about how I look and my weight.  Yes, I’m overweight and for the most part it usually doesn’t bother me too much.  I also know I’m not pretty.  I never have and never will be.  If I lose weight, I’ll still be unpretty and won’t be even remotely attractive to men.  I never have been and I never will be.  And if I lose weight, I will still be ugly.  Right now my weight protects me.  I lose weight and I’m still ugly, still unattractive then I know I really am unlovable.  Right now I can kind of lie to myself and say my weight keeps men away but if I lose the weight and men still are mot interested then it proves that I really am the failure my mother has always said I was and made me to be.  That I really am ugly, that no one will ever love me.  I don’t want to lose weight and end up hurting myself further, making myself even more worthless than I am now.

But if I don’t lose the weight, I could potentially have health problems.  And I’d still be ugly.  I hate this.


2 Responses to “The Problem of Reality”

  1. 1 Miss Anonymous 15 April 2013 at 11:44 PM

    I did a search for depression and it led me to your blog. Everything you are saying, I can relate to, I’m sorry you are feeling the way you do, but I am also glad to know there are people like me in the world.

  2. 2 Michael Robert Brown 13 September 2012 at 6:58 PM

    I’ve been surfing online more than 3 hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours. It is pretty worth enough for me. In my opinion, if all website owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the net will be much more useful than ever before.

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