I’m not talking about being cut off from reality or or unaware of reality. I’m talking about the fact that what and who I am right now is not what everyone wants me to be. Who I want me to be.
I hate having depression but I have it. I can’t cure it, only treat and cope with it. People think all I have to do is think happy thoughts and everything will be perfect or they don’t think there’s anything wrong at all, that’s it’s all made up. I have learned to deal with most of this, to ignore the ignorant idiots that say garbage about having depression.
But worse is the constant bombardment about how I look and my weight. Yes, I’m overweight and for the most part it usually doesn’t bother me too much. I also know I’m not pretty. I never have and never will be. If I lose weight, I’ll still be unpretty and won’t be even remotely attractive to men. I never have been and I never will be. And if I lose weight, I will still be ugly. Right now my weight protects me. I lose weight and I’m still ugly, still unattractive then I know I really am unlovable. Right now I can kind of lie to myself and say my weight keeps men away but if I lose the weight and men still are mot interested then it proves that I really am the failure my mother has always said I was and made me to be. That I really am ugly, that no one will ever love me. I don’t want to lose weight and end up hurting myself further, making myself even more worthless than I am now.
But if I don’t lose the weight, I could potentially have health problems. And I’d still be ugly. I hate this.