Yes, I mean real kissing. I got my first kiss last Saturday, at nearly 31 years old. And yet all I can think of is how much I really don’t care about kissing. I could totally leave it. I like the fact I was kissed and that someone thought me worthy of kissing but the actual kissing left me cold. Actually, with no emotional or physical interest at all except that he has big lips. Now I didn’t tell this to the guy that kissed me but I find it relevant to me. That, and I kiss with my eyes open.
I don’t know where the hormones come in but at least doing this now means I know how to deal with my hormones and ignore them when they tell me to do something. I am able to step back and figure out what I’m feeling and why and not just go with the feeling.
I know that I have to be able to process things before I can accept them. I need time to think, to process, to understand. Relationships like this one are so totally new to me and throw me for a loop. I freak out and have second thoughts and have to remind myself it’s okay to feel but not have to give in and let my feelings rule me or my actions.
Now if I could just get the stupid women haters out of my head…