Archive for March, 2013

Chocolate, Wine, and a Day Off

I took tomorrow off. I needed it, mentally and emotionally.  The chocolate and the wine are just to relax.

After talking to my friend, she agreed that with the panic attacks I am so stressed that I should be in the hospital.  I knew that it was so bad that I was considering the hospital.  Since I really can’t do that right now, taking a day off work is the next best thing.  Plus finding a new job.  The actual job isn’t hard, just the personnel issues and HR.  It’s a hostile environment that’s horrible for just about everyone except the people causing the hostile environment.

There is good news. It was a lovely sunny and warm day which is really rare for Easter especially here in Oregon.  I made sure to spend some time out in it.  Now just watch and we’ll get a freak snowstorm in April.  But it’s SPRING!  We’re all enjoying it while it lasts.

I will deal with the work crap on Tuesday.  Now to work on the wine. I’ve already eaten the chocolate cake and ice cream.


Following on From Lies

This is a continuation of my earlier post.  I’m more settled now emotionally though the thoughts about it still keep popping up.

This has been a tough week overall and I’m not sure why.  I know stuff at work is coming to a head and I really need to be someplace else.  Three panic attacks in four days is not good, not healthy.  Something is going to give, something is going to break and I’m pretty sure it’s going to be me. 

What is worse is that I had to tell BFL something personal about me, about the abuse my mother inflicted on me.  I was choked as a child, well my body tells me as such.  I don’t have a concious memory of it but my neck remembers because I can’t tolerate anything touching my neck at all.  I have never been able to.  Yet people may not believe me because I don’t have a real memory of it.  Though I do know a friend who has the same problem and I know she wasn’t abused so it’s not just me.  But the way things are and the way people are my telling something so personal is dangerous.  While being fired wouldn’t be bad, I don’t want to be fired because of my past or something personal. 

This company is notorious for keeping bad eggs and firing good people who make one simple mistake that eveyone makes.  That’s happened before.  I certainly feel like they are trying to push me out and I’m not certain it’s worth the trouble to keep fighting.  I know that’s what they want, me to give up, to quit because fighting them only hurts me.  But if I quit they win.  But does that really matter in the long run when I’m working in a hostile environment that is full of harassment, bullying, verbal abuse, and illegal behavior? 

Our Lies are the Truth

A few minutes I got off the phone with HR Big Fat Liar and I’m in tears and trying not to have my third panic attack of week.  All caused by work and the whole stupid and idiot mess that are supervisors and managers and HR fruitcakes.  BFL is telling me that is nothing can be done in regards to my allergy to the uniform and that no one can be allergic because the fabric is just ao perfect because it’s polyester made in China.  Doctor’s notes don’t matter, talking to the actual doctor doesn’t matter just the damn uniform and me wearing it no matter what.

I would quit if I could but I don’t have another job lined up. And I want them to fire me so I can collect unemployement just to stick it to them and maybe sue them.

Harassers R Us

That’s work.  Actually it’s more like bullies are us or you are just a fuckin’ woman so you have to do our bidding because we’re perfectly awesome men with long fucking penises which you should be in awe of and want to bow down and worship and suck because we are gods.  Yes I am really fucking pissed at the garbage I have to deal with at work.  Between the massive amount of work they dump on me, the severe disrespect, and the sheer idiocy of supervisors and management I am suprised any shit gets done around here.  Well, I am the one doing it all and the boys are getting all the credit while I’m told I’m a bitch because that’s how I act and talk.

Just because I refuse to flirt let alone engage in any inapropriate relationship with my married male supervisors does not make me a bitch.  It makes me a feminist and moral and ethical.  They don’t want that.  They want little wimmin who will bend over and let themselves be fucked over.  That’s not me.  I am here to do a job not be a sexual object to use and then discard.

I am a person worthy of respect and honor not an object to be bought and sold.

New job here I come.

I Don’t Play Well With Others

Yes, that’s what my latest work eval said.  Now, yes I did have problems with two of my coworkers (I’m not the only one) but to say that I don’t act like a team member is a lie.  I’m turning from the goody-goody two shoes into the kid that’s sent to the principle’s office all because I am not a chirpy bimbo.  I can’t be happy happy joy joy all the time.  But that’s what they want me to be.  I do my job but they want extreme above and beyond which will only kill me.  Besides I get all with pretty much everyone else so two out of over a hundred is not bad.  But the whole turning into the bad kid amuses me. It’s either that or cry.

And I found out that one of the managers doesn’t like me because I’m a woman. Misogyny in 2013. And it’s practically institutionalized.  I know I work in a male dominated field but this fruitcake wants a Stepford wife and I’m no fucking June Cleaver.  I am a real person with real feelings who does her job real well but because I’m a woman that means I’m not good enough.  And yes, I’ve heard that. I need to find a new job.


Type this later, if I remember.

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