This is a continuation of my earlier post. I’m more settled now emotionally though the thoughts about it still keep popping up.
This has been a tough week overall and I’m not sure why. I know stuff at work is coming to a head and I really need to be someplace else. Three panic attacks in four days is not good, not healthy. Something is going to give, something is going to break and I’m pretty sure it’s going to be me.
What is worse is that I had to tell BFL something personal about me, about the abuse my mother inflicted on me. I was choked as a child, well my body tells me as such. I don’t have a concious memory of it but my neck remembers because I can’t tolerate anything touching my neck at all. I have never been able to. Yet people may not believe me because I don’t have a real memory of it. Though I do know a friend who has the same problem and I know she wasn’t abused so it’s not just me. But the way things are and the way people are my telling something so personal is dangerous. While being fired wouldn’t be bad, I don’t want to be fired because of my past or something personal.
This company is notorious for keeping bad eggs and firing good people who make one simple mistake that eveyone makes. That’s happened before. I certainly feel like they are trying to push me out and I’m not certain it’s worth the trouble to keep fighting. I know that’s what they want, me to give up, to quit because fighting them only hurts me. But if I quit they win. But does that really matter in the long run when I’m working in a hostile environment that is full of harassment, bullying, verbal abuse, and illegal behavior?