It’s All Screwed Up

Quite true.

I was fired from my job and have been unemployed for about a month now. Fired because I can’t wear the stupid uniform due to my allergy.  But hey, rules are more important than people, right? Being put on suspension hurt more than the actual firing. I knew it was coming and was logistically prepared, just not financially.  Though honestly, things started going bad about a year ago, around the time I was first written up. It just went downhill from there. I truly believe that management had been looking for any reason to fire me and the uniform was the easiest.  If not that, then they would have invented something.  Like I said, that place has gone downhill.

So of course I haven’t been in a good place mentally though not as bad as the last time I wasn’t working. I’m still worried about money and about food though I won’t ho hungry anytime soon. But food is a big issue with me. Last night was bad because I kept thinking that if I didn’t eat then I wouldn’t have to use any food and I was lose weight and even if I still didn’t have money for a long time I would still have food.  I guess if I still had food to look at then I could convince myself that things were really okay and that all the bad hadn’t happened and I wasn’t going to lose my apartment and be homeless and hungry.  I’ve been both and I never want to be either again. I guess I’m just so scared that even though I can find a new job that I won’t get a new job and I’ll just be worthless and useless. That I’m not good enough for anything but dead end, mind numbing, minimum wage jobs even though I have two degrees. I mean, that’s the only kind of work I’ve ever really had.  I just know I can’t have good. It has to be bad and awful amd worthless and pointless and degrading and keep me in fear because success is bad. I can only fail. I cannot succeed.  Succeeding is bad. It means I’m something I’m not.

What I am is a failure.  At 31, I am a complete and utter failure. The only thing I’m good at is reading books.  I really don’t have any other skills beyond that.  I’m stupid and worthless and it took two degrees to finally drive it home that my mother was right in saying that I would never amount to anything and she’s right.  I tried to prove her wrong and completely failed.  I proved her right.  I have nothing to be pround, no accomplishments, nothing to be noted for, no skills or talents that are sought after.  I have absolutelt nothing.  I am absolutely nothing.

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