Archive for July, 2013

A Slightly Better Week

This week has been slightly better, though not much better than the last few weeks.

I decided to lower the dosage of my antidepressant because I noticed it wasn’t having that much of an effect anymore plus I missed a dose and I didn’t notice a change. So I cut my current dose in half and have been on that dosage for a few days.  Plus, my medication will last longer since I don’t know when I’ll have health insurance again though it looks like I might still be able to get it through the pharmacy I used with the health insurance.  But I haven’t tried and with this new dosage my meds will last twice as long.

I also haven’t been taking anything to help me sleep and that also seems to help a lot as well.  Sleep meds end up causing me to sleep twelve hours whereas if I don’t take anything I get between 6-9 which is much much better and I don’t feel so out of it.

I did make it out of my apartment twice this week which is good.  I’ve done a few major things that I had been planning to do even if I did do them at 3am. I went through books I had that I need to go down to the used bookshop that’s close to me and see if they’ll buy any.  I also went through the stuff on my desk and dusted the thing.  It was filthy.  I’m terrible about dusting, what can I say. I

have plans for baking and I really really need to go to Confession.  That’s the plan for tomorrow (Saturday) and Mass on Sunday, considering I didn’t go last Sunday. It’s been over a year since I missed Mass due to my depression.  I know the depression impacts my ability to do things but it’s been so long since it has that severe of an impact on me. 

Working was and is a great coping mechanism, if you will, for me in dealing with my depression.  Granted, the last several months at my last job made the depression worse not better but it was issues with management and stupid company policy rather than the work itself that was the problem. I know I’m still dealing with the fallout from being in that environment and the massive amount of stress and harassment I had to deal with.  It was not a healthy place to work and yet I still subjected myself to it for sometime even with this all going on, the harassment, the favoritism, the sexually innapropriate workplace relationships because I knew or at least convinced myself that even if my managers didn’t want me there that at least most of my coworkers and many of the contractors did want me because I was really good at my job and I was professional and helpful in dealing with people.  But I no longer work there and I’m grateful to be out of there. I’m slowly letting go but it takes time because I was hurt and in much the same ways my mother abused me so it’s cycling and bringing up the past which ends up in my dreams.  But I need to leave all that garbage in the past otherwise that evil place keeps winning and I’m all for flipping them the bird while I walk away to work at a better job where I am treated with respect and dignity.

Now I just need minions. 🙂  I wonder if those little yellow guys are for hire.  They are so cute.

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I have a minion!

Okay, it’s just a toy but I love these guys

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Just celebrating one of my better days.

Changes

This is a post from several months ago detailing where I was emotionally and mentally though if you had seen me in person you could get the full picture.  I just remember everything was spiralling and now am very glad that I was fired.  The environment was horrible and was really hurting me and several people saw it and told me I needed to get out for my own health and safety. I am now out and glad that is behind me.

I would have updated sooner but life has been rather lousy lately.  My biggest issue has been work amd a certain individual.  It’s been so bad that the last two days I’ve been in tears.  I’m fed up, so much so that I’m ready to quit even though I can’t afford to nor do I have another job lined up.  I don’t want to quit because then this asshole wins but my mental health and safety are important, more important than that idiot.

I talked to my one supervisor about how I feel but nothing will really be done.  I also talked to a couple of coworkers and told them how I feel that I can’t report stuff because nothing happens or it explodes back on me.  Why bother when company policy is to keep people even when they make dangerous and unsafe mistakes.  I kid you not.  This job isn’t worth it anymore.  Not with how I’m treated or how I feel.

So searching for a new job is definitely in my future.

Finally

My unemployment claim was finally put through and I can now start collecting benefits.  After dealing with the ajudicator last Wed I wasn’t sure but they believed me and approved my claim.  So I will have some support now versus what I had.  Now I just need to find a new job if only so that I have something to do instead of sleeping so much.  That’s been the worst part after the miney: sleeping so much but it is part of the depression.

I Just Can’t

I can’t.  I’d rather sleep than do anything else.  Sleep untill I have a new job.  I’m too numb and I just don’t want to care.  I’m too messed up right now.  All I want to do is hide.  Sleep and hide.  See noone because they’ll shatter my numbness and create shards of pain.  My numbness is safe. 

With my sleep all messed up, I didn’t go to Mass this morning.  I decided then I would go to the Spanish Mass at 5:30.  It’s nearly that time now and I’m not going.  I feel like I’m clinging with all my strength and I’m being violently shaken off.  That I’m told to cling on and hold on but in reality that God doesn’t want me and is doing His best to get rid of me.  I know that doesn’t make sense but I’m in a bad place when I feel like that.  I feel like depression is one of the unforgivable things that God hates and until I’m rid of it He won’t have amything to do with me.

Like I said I just can’t.  I know this is a bad place to be but I’m not suicidal.  I’d just rather run away or hide and sleep all day.


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