I Just Can’t

I can’t.  I’d rather sleep than do anything else.  Sleep untill I have a new job.  I’m too numb and I just don’t want to care.  I’m too messed up right now.  All I want to do is hide.  Sleep and hide.  See noone because they’ll shatter my numbness and create shards of pain.  My numbness is safe. 

With my sleep all messed up, I didn’t go to Mass this morning.  I decided then I would go to the Spanish Mass at 5:30.  It’s nearly that time now and I’m not going.  I feel like I’m clinging with all my strength and I’m being violently shaken off.  That I’m told to cling on and hold on but in reality that God doesn’t want me and is doing His best to get rid of me.  I know that doesn’t make sense but I’m in a bad place when I feel like that.  I feel like depression is one of the unforgivable things that God hates and until I’m rid of it He won’t have amything to do with me.

Like I said I just can’t.  I know this is a bad place to be but I’m not suicidal.  I’d just rather run away or hide and sleep all day.


3 Responses to “I Just Can’t”

  1. 1 Joseph Richardson 7 July 2013 at 9:10 PM

    I have found so often that reading the Psalms gives me hope in the midst of my darkness. David was someone who knew darkness and depression. And yet even when he was on the bottom, he clung to hope and to God — and even though David screwed up, because he clung to God, God never let him go.

  2. 2 Relax... 7 July 2013 at 7:59 PM

    Yes, you can. You’re only 31 (and trust me, everyone gets fired at least once). Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. Prove everyone wrong, especially yourself. Pull together a resume and a CV and walk it into a temp employment place and choose to interview only where you think you’d like it for now. Meanwhile, you can get food at the food pantries/churches, etc. You can ask city welfare to cover a month’s rent. They may also cover utility bills. There’s also county aid. The troubles are temporary and fixable. If you have to, pretend to yourself that you’re doing all the above for someone else! I’ll be praying for you.

    • 3 pacbox 8 July 2013 at 12:58 PM

      Thanks. It’s just the depression acting up. I think the medication I’m on is just not cutting it any more though I can’t do anything until I get a job and new health insurance. Work was a good way to fight my depression and kept the worst of it at bay. I currently don’t have a job so the depression is at the forefront. It’s just a matter of getting through it.

      As for the rest, I’m okay food wise for now (some friends helped me out) and my rent and electric bill and all have been paid (unfortunately had to ask parents). Like I said, it’s just everything at once and a lot I haven’t mentioned and I was spiralling. Not fun.

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