I can’t. I’d rather sleep than do anything else. Sleep untill I have a new job. I’m too numb and I just don’t want to care. I’m too messed up right now. All I want to do is hide. Sleep and hide. See noone because they’ll shatter my numbness and create shards of pain. My numbness is safe.
With my sleep all messed up, I didn’t go to Mass this morning. I decided then I would go to the Spanish Mass at 5:30. It’s nearly that time now and I’m not going. I feel like I’m clinging with all my strength and I’m being violently shaken off. That I’m told to cling on and hold on but in reality that God doesn’t want me and is doing His best to get rid of me. I know that doesn’t make sense but I’m in a bad place when I feel like that. I feel like depression is one of the unforgivable things that God hates and until I’m rid of it He won’t have amything to do with me.
Like I said I just can’t. I know this is a bad place to be but I’m not suicidal. I’d just rather run away or hide and sleep all day.