This week has been slightly better, though not much better than the last few weeks.
I decided to lower the dosage of my antidepressant because I noticed it wasn’t having that much of an effect anymore plus I missed a dose and I didn’t notice a change. So I cut my current dose in half and have been on that dosage for a few days. Plus, my medication will last longer since I don’t know when I’ll have health insurance again though it looks like I might still be able to get it through the pharmacy I used with the health insurance. But I haven’t tried and with this new dosage my meds will last twice as long.
I also haven’t been taking anything to help me sleep and that also seems to help a lot as well. Sleep meds end up causing me to sleep twelve hours whereas if I don’t take anything I get between 6-9 which is much much better and I don’t feel so out of it.
I did make it out of my apartment twice this week which is good. I’ve done a few major things that I had been planning to do even if I did do them at 3am. I went through books I had that I need to go down to the used bookshop that’s close to me and see if they’ll buy any. I also went through the stuff on my desk and dusted the thing. It was filthy. I’m terrible about dusting, what can I say. I
have plans for baking and I really really need to go to Confession. That’s the plan for tomorrow (Saturday) and Mass on Sunday, considering I didn’t go last Sunday. It’s been over a year since I missed Mass due to my depression. I know the depression impacts my ability to do things but it’s been so long since it has that severe of an impact on me.
Working was and is a great coping mechanism, if you will, for me in dealing with my depression. Granted, the last several months at my last job made the depression worse not better but it was issues with management and stupid company policy rather than the work itself that was the problem. I know I’m still dealing with the fallout from being in that environment and the massive amount of stress and harassment I had to deal with. It was not a healthy place to work and yet I still subjected myself to it for sometime even with this all going on, the harassment, the favoritism, the sexually innapropriate workplace relationships because I knew or at least convinced myself that even if my managers didn’t want me there that at least most of my coworkers and many of the contractors did want me because I was really good at my job and I was professional and helpful in dealing with people. But I no longer work there and I’m grateful to be out of there. I’m slowly letting go but it takes time because I was hurt and in much the same ways my mother abused me so it’s cycling and bringing up the past which ends up in my dreams. But I need to leave all that garbage in the past otherwise that evil place keeps winning and I’m all for flipping them the bird while I walk away to work at a better job where I am treated with respect and dignity.
Now I just need minions. 🙂 I wonder if those little yellow guys are for hire. They are so cute.