Archive for August, 2013

Early yet 10 More

I called the phone number on the notice about the notice for a hearing.  It takes 10 weeks before the hearing notice goes out!  At least I still have seven more weeks at this point and I can find a job by then.  And I still need to call the lawyer.

I did get up before 1 this afternoon surprisingly but still had to take a nap.  I also ended up with possible food poisoning but it also could have been my lactose intolerance acting up.  Oh well.

Right now I’m waiting on parts of my dinner to defrost: salmon with potato and onion pierogies. 

I do know that when I go back to school to get my masters that I want to focus on gender and perceived gender roles in fundamentalist Christianity along with rape and purity culture largely because all of those have become so pervasive in our American culture today.  You can’t talk about women or being a woman without bringing gender roles, perceived value of those roles, sexuality, and physical bodies into the discussion.  Plus God and His supposed rules (usually defined by abusive human males and enforced by human males and females as works that “please” God as they define Him).

Unfortunately, too many women have been falsely manipulated into believing and buying into a bill of goods that denies them a voice in the discussion.  Their voices need to be heard not silenced.  My voice needs to be heard.  I don’t have to shout or do outrageous things to be heard and seen.  I have to be me and keep speaking persistently even when I’m being told to shut up. 

I understand a lot of women find this intimidating and frightening.  I know I do because of my abuse but I also know that that fear is hurting me and others.  I can speak out here and can do so in a way that is respectful and beneficial to not just me but to others as well. 

But the culture and the society around us be it secular or Christian or Catholic all bombard women with so many expectations and rules and judgments that we get confused or hurt or oppressed and abused or just drop out all together.  We all want to be individual women without having to concern ourselves with other peoples’ opinions.  How each of us do that is going to be unique to each individual woman. Other peoples opinions do not define us.


I Feel Productive

Even though I only mixed up a match of cookies.


Oatmeal chocolate chip mini M&M.  I think they need a little more oatmeal but that’s the worst of it.

Now if I could only wake up at a reasonable hour so I can get important things done like call the lawyer after working up the guts to do so.  It’s a bit anxiety inducing to have to call a lawyer and explain all that I went through, the unemployment conversation, and my desire to sue.

I’ve also been spending my time playing Dots.  I downloaded early Tuesday and play it whenever I can.  It’s so addicting.

Another Day

Another day I didn’t get up early but then I didn’t go to bed until after 4 a.m. which is totally not conducive to getting anything done at a reasonable hour.

At least calling the lawyer was something I had decided to put off until tomorrow.  I still have yet to hear when the hearing is supposed to be so that is still looming.  And now I’m pretty much going to file a lawsuit against my former employer for what they did to me.  Add to that I’m having dreams where I’m getting called into my former place of employment and working even though they fired me.  I bring up that in the dream and nobody has an answer.  I just wish this was all over and done with.  I’m getting sick of the dreams about work that I no longer do and don’t want to do. 

I want to be working since that will help with the anxiety and the depression but looking for something that will pay decent enough and treat me well is definitely not easy.  And it doesn’t help that my sleep schedule is all messed up.  It just seems like there is no point.  I just wish I had something.  I feel so stuck and useless.  Things that normally distract don’t and other things feel out of reach.

I just don’t know. It’s all just getting worse.

A Nice Rainy Day


I love rain,  which makes me weird especially since I live in Oregon.  Whatever. 

I thought with going to bed at 1:30 this morning that I would wake up before noon.  Didn’t happen.  I didn’t get out of bed before 5 p.m. and only because I needed to go to the library.  Oh well.

But I’m loving the weather.  Just wait till December when that rain is freezing cold.  And I’ve worked out in it.  As long as I have the right gear, I’m good.


A Letter to …

Dear Fellow Oregonians,

While I do realize that it has been some time since it last rained, it does not mean you freak out when driving and go 25 under the speed limit .  You know how to drive in rain.  Come October you will be driving in it until May.  Please quit acting as if you have the memory of a goldfish.

Thank you,


PS.  Rain will not eat you or turn you into a hideous monster.  However, it will make you wet and the grass grow.  So please remember to wear a jacket with a hood or use an umbrella.

A Letter to …

Dear Brain,

Please stop with the guilt and shame. I know I’m unworthy and worthless and useless and unlovable and a terrible Catholic. I don’t need you harping on it.  I get that enough from my mother, society, ill mannered Catholics, and my own conscience.  So please stop.

Thank you,


PS. Someday I won’t ever have to deal with the useless guilt and shame you inflict on me because I will have truly learned and accepted that Jesus loves me.  ‘Til then shut up.

A Letter to Traddies

(If you have no interest it knowledge of Catholicism or the traditionalist movement in Catholicism, then this post is not for you.  If you are interested or just curious, go ahead and read.)

Dear Traditionalists,

You suck!  You’re superiority complex in regards to Latin and tradition is appalling and a huge turn off to those interested in the history of the Catholic Church.  Also, your over-the-top favoritism of the 1950s Cleavers society is not a Catholic Golden Age as you make it out to be.

People do not want to go back to a time with incipent sexism, racism, society approved abuse of women and children, and shunning of those who are just a little bit different as worse than slime on a snake’s belly.  Women especially do not want to go back to being beaten and raped and told by everyone that it is their fault unless it involves a black man and a white woman then we all know it’s because of the color of his skin so therefore he is totally guilty.

The Golden Age of Catholicism never existed, as you purport.  It didn’t happen in the 1950s and it didn’t happen any other time in America because America has almost always been a Protestant nation if it was any kind of Christian nation.  Which it hasn’t.  Quit buying into fundamentalist ideology about the US.  It makes you look stupid.

Traditionalists, when you advocate private, personal devotions as Divine Revelation that must be followed or else and that means Satan has taken over, you make yourself sound stupid.  And again, you sound like you’re parroting fundamentalists but with a Catholic wash.  Also, hyping on pants on women, women covering their heads, women are only to be wives and mothers having 20 kids who all become priests (if boys) and get married and have more kids (if girls), required homeschooling because institutional schools are godless bastions of homosexuality, strict umbilical gender roles, advocating corporal punishments from twisted interpretation of Scripture, and all the other extrabiblical rules that fundamentalists use and enforce makes you look like misogynist and hater whose God is all about punishing and rules instead of love.

Some of us are so turned off by your words and behavior that we are convinced we should only attend a EF Mass if we believe and act in the same vitriolic manner as you.  We come to this conclusion because the only Traditionalists we come in contact with are the rude, misogynistic, violent, vitriol spewing ones who seen to have no love for anyone.

At one point in my life, I may have been open to attending an EF.  NOT anymore.  All of that is due to you behavior and attitude that God loves you more, even more than the Pope because you attend an EF and hold to tradition.

Well, guess what.  I hold to Catholic Tradition too.  Tradition that is defined and allowed by Holy Mother Church.  Not to your personal, narrow definition.  You may say I’m not a Catholic because I don’t attend the EF or veil or think that because I’m a woman that the only thing I’m good for is giving birth to babies to be spanked.  But I Am Catholic.  Holy Mother Church says so and her opinion matter much more than yours ever will.

Yes, I attend the OF.  That doesn’t make me a heretic.
Yes, I believe and accept what Holy Mother Church teaches.
Yes, I wear pants to Mass. 
Yes, I don’t veil because that is my choice and I don’t have a problem if women veil as long as it is THEIR CHOICE and are not manipulated into it. 
Yes, I don’t pray the Rosary everyday though I do pray and can usually manage a decade of the Rosary most days. 
Yes, I have two college degrees and work. 
Yes, I do not plan on getting married or having kids.
Yes, I am a faithful Catholic that does her best, attends Mass, goes to Confession when necessary, and works on loving my neighbor and God.

I get that to a Traditionalist I’m going directly to Hell, do not pass Go, do not collect $200 but that’s your problem because it is your belief not mine or Holy Mother Church’s. 

So to Traddies: Go Procreate with yourself.  The rest of us are going to love God and neighbor because God loves us.

Thank you,


( Sorry, bit of a rant after visiting CAF and reading some of the threads there, especially some of the ones in the Traditional Catholicism section and the superiority complex some, thankfully not all, have on that particular sub-forum.  Some seen hellbent on alienating and excluding people to tradition and even are own history in the name of Tradition.  Like I said, it’s a huge turnoff and a large option of it is done by people who are younger than me and I’m 31.  There are a few in their teens and very early twenties that talk down to and even ridicule their elders on that forums.  Even I was taught to respect people I don’t agree with regardless of their age.  Manners.get jettisoned all for the sake of God, Catholicism, and tradition.)


Type this later, if I remember.

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