Brain Wars

This whole situation with my former employer and unemployment has been dragging me down and screwing me up mentally.  Did I mention that not only do I have depression I also have anxiety? 

So now with all this I feel so overwhelmed, feel like the company is going to drag me back to work for them and I’ll have to suffer the harassment, bullying,stress, panic attacks all over again and I’ll be trapped unable to get out.  I am so worried that the decision will be that I will not only have to pay the unemployment back but that I will have to back and work with those people that hurt me.  I won’t have any say in it and that’s because the judge says so and the company wants it that way so it will happen.

Now I understand that intellectually that I won’t and can’t be forced to work for that security company again but the company is so big and has people that are so used to getting their way that no matter what the judge decides, I’ll end up back where I was earlier in the year where I was so stressed out that I was having panic attacks and absolutely dreaded going to work.  Not dreaded, loathed.  It was that bad.  I was not like that when I first started there but the last year I was there it just went down hill so bad and so fast that a lot of good people besides myself were hurt.

My brain just keeps going back to the fear and anxiety  I felt like I was still there, working there those last few months.  And now, with worrying about the hearing and finding out what is involved, I’m worried that the company will do the same things as before and lie and harass and bully me to force me into taking their side.  I feel so overwhelmed.

I feel like the company is going to win no matter what I say.  That they are going to do everything in their power no matter if it’s legal or not to wear me down and tear me down and lie about me that the judge will rule in their favor.  Actually, I’m worried that the judge has already decided to side with the company and that nothing I say will matter.  I feel like I’ve already lost so that I shouldn’t even bother defending myself.

I’m always feeling like I’m losing or have lost no matter what the issue is.  I’m so used to giving in because why bother fighting when I’m just going to lose anyways.  If it involves me, everyone will always take the opposite side because they know they will win.  I’m not good enough or smart enough or valuable enough to win.  I lose.  That’s just the way the world works and nothing’s going to change that.  I’ve tried standing up for myself but that’s always blown up in my face and I end up more humiliated than I was before. And more hurt.  And more convinced that I’m a failure.

I know, it sounds like I’m whining.  Probably the reason why nobody listens to me besides the fact that nothing intelligent comes out of my mouth.

I’m overwhelmed. I’ve already lost and I sound like a brat.  What use am I? 

I’m in such a lousy headspace.  Intellectually, I understand I’m not that bad off.  Emotionally, I just want to hide from the world and not have to deal with any of this or the company.

Some days, I feel that killing myself would be the best option.  Sometimes, I feel that’s what people really want me to do.  They don’t want me around so killing myself would be beneficial to them.  They don’t want to deal with such a loser.  They don’t want to deal with someone who is inferior to them. They want a world full of perfect people and I’m not one of them.  They want winners not losers.  Would I be better off dead? I have no real idea but I don’t think so.

I’m not suicidal.  I do have suicidal thoughts but I don’t and won’t act on them. 

I just feel so overwhelmed and that everything is going backwards instead of forwards, so far backwards that I’ll be stuck where I was and I’ll never be able to leave.  I feel like other people are controlling my life and I get no say whatsoever in what happens to me.  I’m not supposed to think.  I’m just supposed to be enacted upon.  I’m not an individual just a toy, no, not even a toy, a tool to be used and discarded whenever someone wants.  I’m to be used and abused and a I’m supposed to like it, love it even.  I’m lost and will never find my way out.

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