Unfortunately, I’m not talking about Greek or Latin or old movies or literature with zombies or some of my favorite composers. I’m talking about my reactions when talking about my own past and the way my mother abused me.
My mother called me Sunday, which was totally out of the blue and I was expecting bad news because why else would she call? But no, it was a social call. At least I know how to handle those. No emotional involvement and don’t talk about anything really important or controversial. Of course that also leaves me out of the loop in regards to family but I’d rather be out of the loop than suffering panic attacks and anxiety for days.
I went out to lunch today with a friend and then went to look at a few things for her and were talking about her granddaughter and the way she is being raised. I brought up how I wasn’t allowed boundaries for myself and were always violated especially by my mother though I had to respect other peoples’ boundaries. I’m driving and I’m in years telling my friend that my mother spanked and yelled, raged at me because I was her favorite target. I also told my friend how my mother told me I ruined her life and that bad girls like me go to he’ll. I was crying and I’m driving and it sucked because if you mentioned.any of this to my mother she would sent it completely and say you were making it up.
As I was explaining to my friend that while my mother was possibly continuing a cycle she may have grown up with, she still made choices to hurt me. My mother still thinks she is incapable of doing wrong and that she never was wrong or abusive to me when growing up.