Archive for September, 2013

Bonus Post

So going through the stuff to take to Goodwill I found a few things  I could use.  I also went through the kitchen a bit more and found more things to take to Goodwill.

So this is what needs to go to Goodwill:

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Yes, it’s quite a lot.  I had almost three pages of items listed, most of that was clothes.

Things I found to keep: a teapot, a rolling pin which I so need for baking, a bowl and plate I had forgotten I had.  I’m so glad that whatever energy I’ve managed to find today was put to good use.  And I’m glad my stuff gets to go to a good cause.

My Quirks

I have quite a few.  One is that I hate cupboards and for years.refused to put my food away in them.  I honestly could not stand them.  However, today for some reason, I decided to start using one again to store some of my dry and canned goods.  I also cleaned the counter under it real well and removed the coffee maker that I didn’t use.  I still can’t close the cupboard doors, however.  That might be a while.

I have other weird quirks but this one I’ve had almost since I moved into this apartment.

Got the electric kettle set up as well and boiled water in it to get rid of that just out of the box smell.  So my kitchen got a little TLC today.

I also have a huge stack of stuff that needs to go to Goodwill.  Lots of clothes, some kitchen stuff, maybe some of the huge stack of books that’s sitting in a bag in my bedroom, a couple pairs of shoes.I don’t wear or can’t wear.

Well, since I’m on a roll, I’m going to through the stuff that needs to go to Goodwill and list it for my records (tax write-off, baby).  And do some more cleaning.

Cool Deals and Still Trying Not To Obsess

My original reason I went out was for push pins.  I did get those but I found a good pair of boots that look like cowboy boots for under $20 at Ross and an electric kettle at Wal-mart for under $13.  The kettle I  had actually been looking for.  I saw one at Target I had liked and was under $20 but this one was basically the same thing but cheaper.  Early Christmas present for myself.

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I unfortunately keep thinking about my hearing.  I honestly believe at this point that I lost and will now have to pay all my benefits back.  I won’t hear anything until next week but I believe I already lost.  I stuck to the facts, that I had been wearing the uniform even though I’m allergic but I wished I brought up things like I was targeted (big fat liar would have said I was lying if I had mentioned it) and that big fat liar said the undergarments had to made of polyester (hello, that’s what I’m allergic to).  I told the truth and stuck to the facts and I know I sounded professional and yet evil security company pulls the garbage they did to me all the time and gets away with it or worse, has it validated by the courts.  I know I should sue but I so want to be done with them.  I don’t want my life to revolve around them.

In other news, I haven’t taken my anti-depressant in four days.  I don’t think it would matter much if the weather and daylight hours were more like summer than fall. I realized when I got him this evening that I have a hard time with fall and winter because it’s so dark most of the time.  And that definitely affects my depression.  I’ve always had a hard time during thus part of the year especially living in Oregon.  I know when I originally went on my medication it seemed to help me that first fall and winter I was on it.  Now I think that what I’m going to do is do what I did when I was originally prescribed it: do a half dose for everyday and then go back to the full dose.  It’s a titration dose though the timing will be a little different this time.

While I haven’t been diagnosed with Seasonal Affect Disorder (my depression is more a symptom of my anxiety), I probably have it.  I know getting a light box would help (and also help with my insomnia)  I just don’t have the funds for one right now. 

And working would also help.  A lot. It has in the past.  So I really want that job to come through.

Trying Not to Obsess

I have a bad habit of obsessing over things I’ve said or done, especially if they feel like they might be embarrassing.  I’m trying to not think about my hearing. 

I don’t want to be thinking about how evil H.R. Birch lies.  About how I should have worded things better.  How I should have objected to the info that the evil security company.  About how even though I told the truth that nobody believes me.  About how I was being targeted and that as saying so to HR would definitely have gotten me fired.

I always think I’m an idiot and that anything that comes out of my mouth is so stupid and everyone remembers precisely what stupid things I’ve said and done just so they can humiliate me late.

I’m trying not to obsess, not to think about the hearing and what I said, to keep myself distracted but it isn’t easy.  When you’ve grown up hearing repeatedly how everything is your fault and are constantly reminded of your failures, obsessing becomes ingrained.  I learned to look for ways to punish myself thinking that if I just did things a specific way or say specific things or act.in a specific way then things would be okay.  That if I punished myself first then my mother wouldn’t have to punish me.  That if I punished myself God would love me.  That things would be better.  That I wasn’t a horrible, worthless, useless person.  That it was okay for me to exist.

My mother loves to harp on things therefore I learned to harp on myself.  I learned to abuse myself.  I harp and obsess and I get stuck and stressed out thinking of all the ways I could have been, said, do better.  It’s a spiral and ramps up the depression and anxiety.

Thankfully, at this point in my life I’m aware I do this and that it doesn’t help me in anyway.  And I distracted myself by going through my closer to see what I could give to Goodwill.  A few things, especially since I’ve gained weight or it’s something I’m not going to wear at all.

I just need to keep distracting myself for a while and that should help.

It’s Done

My stupid hearing is done.  Now I just have to wait for the decision.

I’m just glad I didn’t freak out or anything.  I believe I explained myself well. Now I just need the judge to believe me and decide into my favor.

But Geez, an hour on the phone.  Still hate evil security company but am glad I no longer have to deal with them.  I’m free.

Sick of It

I can’t wait for the stupid hearing for my unemployment benefits to be over.  It’s Monday morning.  Right now all I keep thinking is that if I committed suicide right now, this would all be over and the evil security company would be out of my life.

I want the evil security company out of my life.  It keeps barging in, taking over, and hurting me.  It keeps invading my mind reminding me how powerless and nonexistant I am to them.  They just want to squash me like the tiny bug I am.  They want me gone from the face of the earth, eradicated from all existence.  That’s what it feels like.  That’s how horrible it was working for them those last few months.

And now they want to continue that abuse.  And they’re using the courts to do it, to take away my employment benefits.  They believe they have to win in everything, especially when they are the ones who are in the wrong because they are the ones who bully and harass and torture.  The people in this company have no ethics, no morals, no values.  They only care about money.  And they will make money at the expense of peoples’ lives.  If someone dies, even better because they don’t have to pay that person anymore and they can lure another unsuspecting person into their trap whom they will use and abuse for money.  Till that person dies and the whole process continues.

All of this depresses me and I’m seriously convinced that I will lose this hearing.  I keep praying and did some prep work but I’m going against a company that wins at any cost.  I can’t afford to lose my benefits, not yet.  Yes, I may have a job lined up but I haven’t heard anything since Wed. 

I just want this over with and I want to win.  I’m not sure I’m going to sue evil security company anymore.  I just want to move on with my life.  It’s not unlike getting out of an abusive relationship and the abuser and your family keep trying to push you back into it.  You’ve left, moved away, and have absolutely nothing to do with the abuser but nobody believes you about the abuse so they keep talking about the abuser and keep in contact with the abuser and even tell the abuser where you are so that the abuser finds you and you end up hurt all over again.  You try to leave, again, but nobody believed you before, so you’re forced back and the abuser wins.  You know you need to leave but you can’t trust anyone because they all support the abuser and believe you to be a liar.  You’re not even sure you can believe yourself because you’re the only one who identified and acknowledged the abuse.

So you stay till you can work up the courage to leave again and this time you don’t tell anyone.  You still doubt but you’re safe.  The abuser and your family and their family can’t find you, at least not for a while. 

Then you’re found.  Maybe by one of your family who this time finally believes you.  Or maybe doesn’t you but doesn’t care much for the abuser either so doesn’t tell.  Or doesn’t believe you and tells but this time you have real support because you found others like you who went through the same things you did, the same disbelief, the same support for the abuser, the same legal issues.  So as much as you don’t want to, you fight.  You fight because you are tired of it all.  All the running, all the lies, all the abuser’s manipulative tactics, all the hurt, all the pain, all of it.  You just want it to end, to have everything done and over with.  You’re just so tired.

So tired that suicide seems like a good option.  You’ve wouldn’t have to deal with all the garbage, lies, pain,abuse anymore.  You would be free.  Free of it all.  People would be happy that you’re gone.  Your family because all they ever saw you as was a complete and total failure that should have died at birth so that you didn’t inflict your miserable, useless, deplorable, idiotic, stupid self on their lives.  You’re better off dead to them.  They don’t love you.  Never have, never will.  Friends,.what friends?  You’re just too pathetic to be somebody’s friend.  No one in their right mind would ever want to be friends with you.  God?  If he’s anything like your parents, he’ll probably be happy you’re gone, too, if you show up on his radar at all.

Does this make me suicidal?  I’ve certainly had those thoughts.   But I’m not going to commit suicide.  Nobody good wins. At this point, I just have to suffer.  And I’m crying so hard right now.  I just want this to be over.  At least by Monday afternoon, the hearing will be but it will still be two weeks before I get the decision.

Good News

So that job lead I had from Monster?  I applied Monday.  Got a call yesterday and talked to the gentleman today.  He said I was definitely qualified and would start me out at a better pay rate.  He’s going to pass my resume on to the company.  So things are looking up.

Now I just need to get through the hearing next Monday and win that.  Then things will be pretty good. And, oh, get the job.


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