Money, Tears, and Suicide

I am not in a good place right now.  I can’t even eat because my stomach is so tied up that I’d end up puking my guts out.

I got the notice for the hearing for the conversation of my unemployment benefits.  It’s the 23rd of this month.  I definitely have to call the lawyer now.  In it, I saw what my former employer said in regards to my being fired and all I can think of and see is that I’m going to lose and have to pay all my unemployment benefits back plus evil security company will want some kind of monetary compensation, hell they probably want back all the wages they paid me.  I know the first part us possible but the second is my fatalistic, end of the world thinking.  All part of my anxiety.

I had just gotten my benefits for the week, top.  But the only thing going through my mind is that if I commit suicide then the evil security company wouldn’t win.  That all my issues with money would be solved.  Money issues have pretty much always made me suicidal.  Especially in the last few years.

I’m still in tears writing this.  Money has and probably always will be a huge hang-up for me.  It is something that will always cause me anxiety especially when I don’t have it and I don’t have anything to eat (I’ve been hungry before) or don’t have a place to live (I’ve been homeless before as well). 

I’ll probably always worry about money and not having enough even to eat.  It wasn’t that long ago that I had to make $5 last more than a week.  And it was only two months ago that I had to limit severely what I ate because I didn’t have money for food at all.

So I worry.  I know finding a job would solve a lot of my problems but I feel like I’m a failure at that as well because all I find are dead end jobs even though I have two degrees.  I only know how to fail because that’s all my mother wanted me to learn.  That’s my default setting, permanently: failure. 

So finding a job is necessary.  I just have to get over my ability to fail at nearly everything.

I just need this stupid hearing to go my way.  And for evil security company to miss the damn hearing or to have some inept underling in the hearing who ends up supporting me or at least is so inept they end making my case for me. 

Well, at least now my stomach is calmer.  I’m still not going to eat for a while even though I have yet to eat anything today, strawberry slush from Sonic notwithstanding.


2 Responses to “Money, Tears, and Suicide”

  1. 1 lisamarieprysock 13 September 2013 at 5:32 PM

    Praying that everything goes well at your hearing, and the you receive some support soon. I had to go to court regarding possible eviction and just recently had my car repossessed. Please know that these are materials things, and your life is more important. I know it’s hard, but please muster up enough faith to get through this.

  2. 2 Joseph Richardson 13 September 2013 at 11:15 AM

    You hang in there, sister. You are in my prayers.

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