Anger That Lingers From the Voices in My Head

This whole stupid mess of having to deal with my former employer, the evil security company, the hearing, and possibly suing them with the help of a lawyer has the voices I thought I had gotten away from are now invading my head.  I hate it because it ramps up my anxiety and I end up dwelling on all the shit and harassment and stress I had to ensure while I was there.

I was thinking back to when I think the ramped up harassment and bullying started.  I thought it may have been when I reported a certain make colleague who refused to step up and do his share of the work.  I  didn’t blame him, even found excuses to explain his behavior.  I told this to a manager because he asked and I think he went and told this officer because this officer confronted me and screamed at me that I ended up with a major panic attack.  I remember writing about that here before.  But I can trace the harassment and bullying back further to when I transferred to dayshift and I ended up dealing with an extremely self-defense and arrogant individual who thought he was god’s gift to security and women.  He also didn’t practice personal hygiene and was a nasty chain smoker.  He’s lie about to one supervisor and I’d report his damaging the vehicle with spills (new patrol vehicle so nothing was allowed in the vehicle, not even water.  He’s make up more lies after I reported.him for other damages or bad behavior.  Then the boss got involved and I still had to deal with bullying and harassment because thus other officer was male.  Did I also mention this other officer was extremely morbidly obese and refused to do anything about it?  And I know he wanted in my pants.  He still grosses me out, just thinking about him.  Thankfully, he moved to another post but caused me so much trouble.  And the supervisors refused to do anything about him.  And there were things he really should have been fired for.  To my knowledge, he’s still working there.  But after he switched posts, at least I didn’t have to deal with him anymore.  Thank God.

Things calmed down for awhile.  Then they desired to change a very big procedure and my work load increased significantly.  And this officer, who should never have gone back to vehicle patrol, refused to help.  He was lazy before and he never changed.  Any way he could avoid work or helping a fellow officer in anyway, he avoided it.  Everyone knew he couldn’t be relied on.  Did the supervisors do anything? No. 

Then I had the meeting with the manager.  With two of the other managers and Supervisor.  I reported this officer and another officer who was borderline sexually harassed me.  I honestly thought he was going to do something constructive about the matter.  No.  I ended up with that said officer in my face and a panic attack.  I reported it to the supervisor.  Then I waited.  Again, I thought they would take me seriously.  No, again.  I got written up for gossiping even though I hadn’t gossiped and the line from the handbook about inappropriate and dangerous conversations didn’t apply.  But hey, truth doesn’t matter.  Just protecting the boys from those evil women.  I learned they weren’t going to take anything I said seriously except for a very few things.

The first incidents happened between November 2011 and March 2012. That second incidents took place in the summer of 2012. 

Then construction on campus changed and many officers were let go but at this point it doesn’t make much difference because there are still well over 175 officers on staff for the campus.  Eleven supervisors including those of the control room  and construction and five managers.  To compare: when I started in Sept. 2009 there were 75 officers, eight supervisors, and only two managers.  Big difference.

There were also some big changes in personnel: lobbies were upgraded and those officers had to reapply for their jobs.  They also got different uniforms and a pay raise.  But they were still doing the same job as before.  A job I had done when I first started there.

Then the account manager for the evil security company was on campus more and considered the lobby officers to be the epitome of security officers and have them whatever they wanted.  And whatever the client wanted because he refused to stand up for his employers.  So if that meant paying more for health insurance out of pocket (which we were already doing ) or not caring about the fact that certain posts required officers to work in terrible working conditions with terrible clothing options as long as they were never seen by higher ups, he didn’t care.as long as he could continue to brown-nose the client company and say we provided security to so-and-so.  It was all about image.  Always about His image.

Then Here Bully decided to tell vehicle patrol and only vehicle patrol that they couldn’t wear the parkas (which at least afforded some warmth.and protection from the cold and rain) because they had a hood.  Doesn’t matter if it’s pouring down rain you better not be wearing that good or any protection on your head?  Why? Because it was a safety hazard.  Because being drenched with freezing rain and catching pneumonia doesn’t matter.  Safety, or perceived safety, is more important than your health.

So can’t wear the parks or the bomber jacket because a particular supervisor called it a personal jacket and told me she wrote me up for wearing it.  So I wear my own jacket, which is mostly waterproof, over the uniform with the safety vest over the jacket. As vehicle patrol, we were given a little leeway with the jackets.  I could still wear my own as long as it only came to the waist and was solid black.  So I switched jackets, since I had one I could wear.  There was another vehicle patrol officer who also wore his own jacket and no one made a fuss.  This also when my allergy to polyester really started to flair badly. 

Then Herr Bully decided to ramp up conformity and declared vehicle patrol had to wear uniform clothing and jackets only.  Still no parks allowed though many wore it because it was better than the pathetic bomber jacket.  Neither kept you dry but the parks at least kept you warm.  So the supervisors went after vehicle patrol.  Now we were not the only ones wearing personal jackets.  I know of at learn one if not two lobby officers who wore personal jackets while on post in the lobby.   ON. POST.  So tell me why you go after only one group and not everyone.  Of course it’s favoritism.

Then in March of this year, I finally get my eval that was due in December.  That’s where the whole garbage that I don’t play with others came from.  I think most of that eval came from the times between Jan. and March of this year because of things that were mentioned and heavyweight how negative the eval was, even though I was told otherwise.

I had gotten a doctors note in Feb.  but hadn’t heard anything by the time of the eval.  Then I got a call from HR from Big Far Liar saying I needed another doctors’ note.  So I told her what the problem was and have her permission to call the doctor and discuss with him.  I signed and ROI or release of information form so he could talk to her.  Otherwise, I would have had to make another appointment which would have been months out.  So Big Far Liar called the doctor.  I think she harassed him in some way and she came down with me needing to wear the uniform with NO undershirt underneath.  So I end up wearing my clothes (black cargo pants and undershirt and jacket) under the uniform.

I’m obeying the rules.  I’m wearing the uniform even though I’m in pain from shrinking my body away from the uniform fabric and have a permanent rash over the top half of my body.  I’m obeying even though it hurts me to. 

Then, because they’ve been watching for any reason to fire me, they catch me with my clothes on under the uniform and suspend and then fire me.

This all makes me angry.  I haven’t put in half the stuff that was said and done to me.  Or about how my anxiety was so bad I was having panic attacks and suicidal thoughts.  I get so angry whenever I think about that place, about how horribly I was treated, about how In was targeted, about how I went along and let myself be bullied because I was so terrified of losing my job and of being hurt.  I honestly thought if I had been raped on the job that the evil security company would blame me, saying it was all my fault then fire me and maybe even sue me. 

After a while, I didn’t go to work because I had to.  I went because, even though I dreaded going and having to deal with the terrible supervisors and managers, I had certain people relying on me and I did my job really well.  I had to be there not only for many of my coworkers but also many of the construction workers as well.  These people respected me and the job I did and they didn’t care about stupid uniform rules or customer service.  If they needed something unlocked or secured or whatever, that’s what I did.  I did my job.  I followed the rules even when they hurt me.  I lost mandatory, law required breaks because of fellow coworkers needs or because make employers took precedent over a women.  I helped out the control room, fellow employers  and construction workers without thanks many times but didn’t mind because I was helping someone and I really like helping people whenever I can.

In the end, though, it was all about money.  And in the end, that is why they will lose.  You don’t throw away good just to temporarily make a few dollars.  Eventually, all you will have is bad and then where will you be?  Well, it’s not my problem.  Not anymore.

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