Sick of It

I can’t wait for the stupid hearing for my unemployment benefits to be over.  It’s Monday morning.  Right now all I keep thinking is that if I committed suicide right now, this would all be over and the evil security company would be out of my life.

I want the evil security company out of my life.  It keeps barging in, taking over, and hurting me.  It keeps invading my mind reminding me how powerless and nonexistant I am to them.  They just want to squash me like the tiny bug I am.  They want me gone from the face of the earth, eradicated from all existence.  That’s what it feels like.  That’s how horrible it was working for them those last few months.

And now they want to continue that abuse.  And they’re using the courts to do it, to take away my employment benefits.  They believe they have to win in everything, especially when they are the ones who are in the wrong because they are the ones who bully and harass and torture.  The people in this company have no ethics, no morals, no values.  They only care about money.  And they will make money at the expense of peoples’ lives.  If someone dies, even better because they don’t have to pay that person anymore and they can lure another unsuspecting person into their trap whom they will use and abuse for money.  Till that person dies and the whole process continues.

All of this depresses me and I’m seriously convinced that I will lose this hearing.  I keep praying and did some prep work but I’m going against a company that wins at any cost.  I can’t afford to lose my benefits, not yet.  Yes, I may have a job lined up but I haven’t heard anything since Wed. 

I just want this over with and I want to win.  I’m not sure I’m going to sue evil security company anymore.  I just want to move on with my life.  It’s not unlike getting out of an abusive relationship and the abuser and your family keep trying to push you back into it.  You’ve left, moved away, and have absolutely nothing to do with the abuser but nobody believes you about the abuse so they keep talking about the abuser and keep in contact with the abuser and even tell the abuser where you are so that the abuser finds you and you end up hurt all over again.  You try to leave, again, but nobody believed you before, so you’re forced back and the abuser wins.  You know you need to leave but you can’t trust anyone because they all support the abuser and believe you to be a liar.  You’re not even sure you can believe yourself because you’re the only one who identified and acknowledged the abuse.

So you stay till you can work up the courage to leave again and this time you don’t tell anyone.  You still doubt but you’re safe.  The abuser and your family and their family can’t find you, at least not for a while. 

Then you’re found.  Maybe by one of your family who this time finally believes you.  Or maybe doesn’t you but doesn’t care much for the abuser either so doesn’t tell.  Or doesn’t believe you and tells but this time you have real support because you found others like you who went through the same things you did, the same disbelief, the same support for the abuser, the same legal issues.  So as much as you don’t want to, you fight.  You fight because you are tired of it all.  All the running, all the lies, all the abuser’s manipulative tactics, all the hurt, all the pain, all of it.  You just want it to end, to have everything done and over with.  You’re just so tired.

So tired that suicide seems like a good option.  You’ve wouldn’t have to deal with all the garbage, lies, pain,abuse anymore.  You would be free.  Free of it all.  People would be happy that you’re gone.  Your family because all they ever saw you as was a complete and total failure that should have died at birth so that you didn’t inflict your miserable, useless, deplorable, idiotic, stupid self on their lives.  You’re better off dead to them.  They don’t love you.  Never have, never will.  Friends,.what friends?  You’re just too pathetic to be somebody’s friend.  No one in their right mind would ever want to be friends with you.  God?  If he’s anything like your parents, he’ll probably be happy you’re gone, too, if you show up on his radar at all.

Does this make me suicidal?  I’ve certainly had those thoughts.   But I’m not going to commit suicide.  Nobody good wins. At this point, I just have to suffer.  And I’m crying so hard right now.  I just want this to be over.  At least by Monday afternoon, the hearing will be but it will still be two weeks before I get the decision.

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