I have a bad habit of obsessing over things I’ve said or done, especially if they feel like they might be embarrassing. I’m trying to not think about my hearing.
I don’t want to be thinking about how evil H.R. Birch lies. About how I should have worded things better. How I should have objected to the info that the evil security company. About how even though I told the truth that nobody believes me. About how I was being targeted and that as saying so to HR would definitely have gotten me fired.
I always think I’m an idiot and that anything that comes out of my mouth is so stupid and everyone remembers precisely what stupid things I’ve said and done just so they can humiliate me late.
I’m trying not to obsess, not to think about the hearing and what I said, to keep myself distracted but it isn’t easy. When you’ve grown up hearing repeatedly how everything is your fault and are constantly reminded of your failures, obsessing becomes ingrained. I learned to look for ways to punish myself thinking that if I just did things a specific way or say specific things or act.in a specific way then things would be okay. That if I punished myself first then my mother wouldn’t have to punish me. That if I punished myself God would love me. That things would be better. That I wasn’t a horrible, worthless, useless person. That it was okay for me to exist.
My mother loves to harp on things therefore I learned to harp on myself. I learned to abuse myself. I harp and obsess and I get stuck and stressed out thinking of all the ways I could have been, said, do better. It’s a spiral and ramps up the depression and anxiety.
Thankfully, at this point in my life I’m aware I do this and that it doesn’t help me in anyway. And I distracted myself by going through my closer to see what I could give to Goodwill. A few things, especially since I’ve gained weight or it’s something I’m not going to wear at all.
I just need to keep distracting myself for a while and that should help.