Archive for October, 2013

Woohoo!!!

Red Sox won!!!  While they’ll never be my Cubies, I will root for Boston when they are in the playoffs or World Series. (Or any team that beats the evil empire, those evil Yankees)  And they won!! So some good news for me.

And yes, I did make it to the library and got most of the process completed for the one job.  I’ll go back tomorrow to finish it and apply for more.  I feel like I accomplished something today.

Something to note: I found physically writing out the anger as letters to the people who hurt me helps me a lot.  I likely won’t post any of them due to the content and because of who they are written to but the process really helps.  Especially with the garbage that was the whole hearing, my former employer, and all that went on while I was still there. Plus, there’s only so much negativity people will put up with from a blogger and I’ll put up from myself.  So more of my angry and depressing stuff will be relegated to paper journals.

Now back to working on reading books from the library. And rejoicing in the Red Sox World Series win.  That’s very important. 😀

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I Made the Phone Call

And, yes, I lost my benefits.  I can appeal the decision though it probably won’t make a difference.  I knew this would happen even though I wanted to keep my benefits but evil security company always gets what they want.

Now I really have to find a job, any job soon.  I did it to myself.  This was all my fault.  I hate myself right now.  I don’t want to have to borrow money from my parents.

Three hours later

Yes, I had to take a break from writing this since I was in tears, crying, and a bad head space.

I am appealing the decision.  It may not do any good but it is my right to appeal and so I’m going to appeal.  I believe at this point that I don’t have to pay the benefits I have received back but won’t know for sure until I receive something telling me otherwise.

While I had decided not to sue, I’m entertaining the idea right now.  Will it do any good?  Probably not but I won’t know until I talk to a lawyer.  I still may not sue and talking to a lawyer doesn’t cost anything.  But it’s something to think about. I just need to talk to someone about all this who want involved in anyway in all this garbage.  I need a third party perspective.

I are the leftovers from Sunday.  Not very good as leftovers.  At least they’re out of the fridge.  Cleaned a few others things out as well.

Tomorrow, I intend to go to the library and apply for those jobs I found.  Probably try a few retail places as well.  I need something.  If I have to work multiple jobs, I will. I’m not worrying about the while stupid health insurance right now.  I can live without for now.

I should also walk more.  If I call it exercise, I won’t do it but a walk and especially since there are still trees with their leaves I can look at is much easier.  It’s all in the names you use.

Monday, Monday

Mondays and I don’t get along very well.  I didn’t fall asleep until after five this morning and so decided to sleep until after six this evening.  I didn’t help that I had started my period but I still made the choice to sleep most of the day.

So of course the one major phone call I needed to make I didn’t.  Will a day make a difference?  Probably not.  At least last night, I found a couple of job leads that I will apply for.  And seasonal retail work is starting so there is always that to look for. 

Is any of this I want to be doing?  No but I need a job and this is what’s available.  Hell, I’m even seriously thinking of signing up with the union to join one of the trades.  I may have two college degrees but they are pretty useless at this point.  I know I will never get my dream job.  I learned to get rid of any dreams I had and live in reality.  And my parents messed me up too but at this point this is all on me.  I have to find a job on my own merits.  I’ve done it before.

The thing is I’m great at dreaming not so great at follow through.  I learned or at least convinced myself why bother when all I’m going to do is fail.  I still expect failure even when I succeed.  I think.I did something wrong, messed up somewhere since everything is supposed to fail for me.  Bad logic I know and I can largely ignore it but when important, major decisions come up, it still rears its ugly head.

I guess at this point I’m going to operate as if my benefits no longer exist.  That sucks but I can deal with it.  I will unfortunately have to borrow money from my parents to pay rent and cell phone (I didn’t tell them about the hearing) and I don’t like borrowing from them because a guilt trip is involved and pressure to move to Kansas and live with them.  Which I definitely don’t want to do.  At all.  Never.

Now I’m working on NOT focusing on negative stuff but on the stuff I can do.  And think Autocorrect is very unhelpful at times.

Well, I have carrots and potatoes with thyme and Rosemary roasting in the oven which I am now starting to smell and chicken to cool soon.  So I’m going to focus on dinner and work on reading a few books and then try to get my sleep schedule back on track.

Food and Fun

So first off update: I finally got the hearing decisions, there are two, back.  One says I can keep my benefits.  The other says I can’t.  So I’m not sure what the final result is.  So I intend to call tomorrow for clarification.  I’m also working on NOT thinking about or dwelling on this whole garbage again.  I don’t need that mess.

On to food and fun.  My parish had it’s annual fall festival though this year it was international with an Italian café, German, Filipino, Latino, American, and Indian dinners.  Plus a car show, lots of wind, goats to pet, kid stuff, and a huge raffle.  I got to spend time with my friend and her family.  We were there for several hours.  I’m so sore and tired now.

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Bad pic of car show but good pic of sheriff departments new Chevy.

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One of the roses on the multitude of rose bushes around the parish grounds.

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The latino dinner I had, well, the leftovers, anyway.

And the rain came back but only for the day.

Now I just really need to find a job and soon. Especially if I have lost my benefits.

Writing A Bad Day

I had to write this out with paper and own because I was in such a bad headspace earlier.  I write this in just over an hour with several crying jags and moments of extreme anger that resulted with me hitting myself.  Like I said, not a good headspace.

Today is one of my bad days.  One of my really bad days.  So bad for a moment I was so suicidal I nearly had the knife to my wrist.  Didn’t do it of course but I was that close.

Right now I am so sulk of anger anger at myself.  I keep hitting myself.  I was reading Nice Girl Syndrome and all I can think, all that’s going through my head is anger, how useless, how worthless I an, how I need to punish myself that learning to stand up for myself  bitchy, narcissistic thing to do.  I just need to be a nice, obedient, silent, submissive girl and then things will work out alright, Good will finally love me.  Then I go to Catholic.Answers Forums where all the talk is about Pope Francis and his desire for a deeper theology of women.  Just about everyone in the Trad forum think that means every American Catholic woman wants ordination because they haven’t been properly catechized to understand they should only be submissive wives and mothers and that should be the only thing they want.  Everything else is a blasphemy and damns people to hell.

There are several women posters who advocate this, even demonizing women who don’t agree with them or their views.  They want women to be submissive doormats men need bigger roles in the Church since more women work in the parishes then men.  Well, yeah, because who v else will work for little while slaving away to carry on the faith.  There’s no real money in parish work and women are willing to do the work while men work in the secular world where they get paid more.  Of course, posters refuse to acknowledge thus; they think if they get rid of the women then the men would come back and take over everything.   Yeah, that’s not going to happen.  Add in the abuse scandals, societal and religious perceptions and expectations of women, plus the pay level, men are not going to do much parish work.  Now that.doesn’t mean they’re absent.  They still do things like Knights of Colombus,  fundraisers, Boy Scouts, physical labor but they aren’t going to become secretaries, assistants, catechists, DREs.  It’s not because they can’t but they know women are better at relationships since they.are trained to be so from birth and men recognize on some level that the ability to foster and.maintain a relationship is important especially in teaching.  Doesn’t mean men are leaving the faith or are absent but understanding how to effectively use the resources and talents you have for the benefit of the whole parish instead of just one person highlights that we are a community of  believers, not just a slapdash group of individuals thrown together.

I find it fascinating and appalling that it’s largely WOMEN who complain about women volunteering and working in parishes.  It’s largely WOMEN who enforce destructive ideas of modesty, sexuality, marriage, abusive relationships. 

It’s WOMEN who slut shame other women for wearing pants, swimsuits at the pool, dressing so that they look attractive, for not being in a burqa.  They are also the ones who fat shame women who don’t fit an ad agency’s idea of the female figure of a supermodel. 

It’s WOMEN who slut shame women for recognizing that they are sexual beings, for enjoying sex within marriage, for not fulfilling their impossible beliefs about Catholic/Christian motherhood/wifehood that had many children with extreme purity where bodies are ashamed just for existing, for even liking guys, for being human, for recognizing that women have bodies, for not following their extreme ideas about purity.

It’s WOMEN who abuse shame women to enter into abusive relationships that are considered “godly” and “biblical” because the man lords it over the girl (girls never become an adult in this world) and abuses her I’m god’s name a decreed by the pastor.

It’s WOMEN who beat women into believing that it is their fault if a boy lusts after a girl, if a husband cheats on his wife, if a woman is raped, if someone in their life comes out gay.  It’s a woman’s fault that men rape, hit, are gay and if only women dressed in burqas, stayed under the power of their fathers/husband, first time obedient, never.question, never educated, then men would be perfect and God might like women but only through men because women are so despicable that they can’t be loved or liked by God, only by Man.

I’m just so angry and taught the only person I could be angry with is myself so I learned to turn that anger on myself and turn it inward. I still think punishing myself would make things better, would make my abusive narcissistic love me, make God love me.  If I just kept the rules fundies/traddies had then maybe God would finally notice me and maybe, very small maybe, love me.  If I just dress modestly, married a man who beat me and raped me, was a stay at home mother who didn’t actually homeschool because the boys would all become priests and go to a boy school (since I can’t have any authority over men and boys are just young men)while I taught the girls how to keep house since that’s all they need to know, always praying the Rosary but keeping silent otherwise, and spanking the children since beating kids is biblical.

If I did all this, then maybe I would be good Catholic woman and God would love me.  Because, right now, by not doing any if this I’m going straight to hell and God is gleefully running his hands together in anticipation of my burning for eternity.

According to Catholic fundies/traddies.

Hey, rules work, don’t they?  Drivers over traffic laws, students obey school policies.  Therefore, rules work.  Do arbitrary abusive rules work? No, but we keep them anyway and enforce them thinking that if we only get them right this time everything would be okay.  Bad things won’t happen, God will finally love me.

And God have us rules, right?  And if we just keep them then we get to go to Heaven.  Right? Yes, there are the Ten Commandments and the Jews have 613 commandments but even they recognize that they can’t keep them perfectly.

I’m still angry, raging.  All 
I can do right now when thought of women just need, I just need to remember that I am damned, that I shouldn’t have the right to vote, should not have an education or a career, that women just need to learn their place a inferior worthless brings good for only being wives and mothers and women should be punished for their being anything but a wife and mother.  I keep wanting to post on CAF  on how women should learn their place, that rape and abuse should be made legal, that women who get any kind of education needs to be beaten, that disobedient wives, need to be spanked, that  women are property and we need to remember this has always been the teaching and we need to go back to this teaching otherwise the world.and Church will suffer.

Remember, all the evoking the world is the result of women.  All I can do is hit myself because I have a need to punish myself because if I punish myself then things would be alright.  I deserved.to be punished,.to be beaten, to be spanked.  I have so much anger maybe if it was beaten out of me then I wouldn’t have it anymore.  I deserve hell.  God cannot possibly love something so utterly evil as me.  I hate myself.  I just wish God did too because it would make it all easier.  I know I’m not lovable.  Why doesn’t He? Why can’t he let me die? I’m so worthless, so evil, so angry.  If He would just punish me, I would finally understand my place with Him.  This loving and forgiveness thing isn’t working out for me.  I can’t be loved.  My mother doesn’t love me.  My dad doesn’t love me.  I don’t love me.  I just can’t get away from it, from me.  I can’t suffer in peace.  I deserve to due and go to.hell.  That’s what everyone keeps telling me.  That’s what I tell me.

I hate this headspace. At least there is an answer to the fundies/traddies: THAT IS NOT CHURCH TEACHING.  Fundies/traddies are a bunch of liars and have gotten in my head.  I want them gone.

To the Fundies/Traddies in my head:

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD YOU LYING, THIEVING, CHEATING HYPOCRITES.

YOU DO NOT SPEAK FOR GOD OR THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.

YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN FUNDAMENTALIST ISLAMISTS.  NOBODY LIKES YOU.  YOU JUST MAKE YOURSELF SOUND STUPID.  YOU ARE STUPID IDIOTS THAT ARE MORE OBSESSED WITH TEMPORAL THINGS INSTEAD OF THE ETERNAL ONE.

WE DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT.

WE WANT LOVE, GRACE, FORGIVENESS NOT JUDGEMENT, CONDEMNATION, ABUSE. 

YOU DO NOT SERVE GOD.  YOU SEEN TO SERVE YOURSELF.  SO SHUT UP.  GOD, JESUS, POPE FRANCIS, AND THE CHURCH CAN SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES AND THEY AREN’T SAYING THE GARBAGE YOU ARE.  SO SHUT THE FUCK UP.

ANGER IS OKAY.  USING IT AS AN EXCUSE IS NOT.

HAVING RULES IS OKAY.  ARBITRARY ABUSIVE RULES ARE NOT.

A WELL FORMED CONSCIENCE IS NECESSARY. SHAMING IS NOT.

SUFFERING THE CONSEQUENCES IS NECESSARY.  BEATING, SPANKING, AND PUNISHMENT ARE NOT.

BOUNDARIES ARE NECESSARY AND VERY HEALTHY. VIOLATING THEM IS NOT.

BUILDING PEOPLE UP IS GOOD.  TEARING THEM DOWN US NOT.

LOVE NOT HATE IS THE WAY OF JESUS CHRIST.

Seven pages of handwriting.  That was my headspace several hours ago and has been my headspace too many times.  I hate it.  I don’t want to go there again.

The Leaves of Mail

Yes, I’m making a really bad pun with the title.  I did finally get mail but it was my medical records and not the hearing decision.  It’s been almost a month and at this point I don’t care.  I still get my benefits which is what matters.

I took a wall this evening after checking the mail.  Fall is in full swing even if we aren’t expected to get rain for a while.  I love the color some trees turn.  I have pictures of the ones that look bright red and yellow but I would have to go several blocks to get the really gorgeous orange ones.  So onto pictures.

Red leaves

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Leaves up close

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Street view, of a sort.  It probably would be better if I had taken these pics during daylight instead of at disk.

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Yellow leaves

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Now I should probably be off to make dinner (lasagna) before I eat all the cookies instead.

Pizza and Cookies

I meant to take a picture of the pizza I had but forgot.  Pineapple, pepperoni, and green peppers.  Delicious.  It really is.  I also went to Wal-mart and got more cookies.  So I’m good on that front for a few days.

I also want to say thanks for everyone who follows my blog.  There are over 50 of you following me now.  I’m surprised that anyone finds what I write important enough or fascinating enough to want to read and to even get notices that I have written.  So thank you. 

At least point, I just write for me, largely because I’m the only one to read it and my writing helps me.  Don’t worry, this isn’t some push to get more people to follow more or to comment or anything.  I know I’m terrible about commenting and responding, which I’m working on.  I just thought I’d make it clear why I write or maybe reiterate why if I’ve posted why before.

So today was slightly better but still weird dreams.  I’ll probably always have weird dreams.  At least last night’s, well really this morning’s, the worst part was the math class with equations that didn’t make sense.  I don’t remember how that led to being on an island where the Navy was running training drills with “fake” missiles (they were metal dummies, like I said weird) that they shot but didn’t do any real damage except make a lot of noise and there was only one death but that was a murder possibly (or by reading to many murder mysteries).  At least the weather in my dream was nice.

Which leads to the fact that it is the middle of October in Oregon and it’s Not Raining.  It was so nice that I wore my flip flops and a short sleeve shirt.  Where’s the rain?  I know just wait and it will happen. This Is Oregon.

I wonder what kind of winter we’re in for this year.  We’re due for some serious snow, I think.  I’m just glad that I won’t have to work out in it like I did the last two years.


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