So It Goes

I haven’t heard anything about my unemployment benefits yet.  Who knows?

Doing laundry.  Major laundry.  I don’t do laundry every week largely because it would get too expensive.  And I didn’t have any quarters until Sunday.  Though with the apartment upping the price for a wash load I may just go back to doing laundry at the laundromat.  I did that when I first moved in because the washers.and dryers they had were crap.

I finally took all that stuff sitting in my living room to Goodwill Monday.  I still have to go through stuff but not as much as before. 

I’ve been getting up earlier and trying to go to bed about the same time each night.  It’s been helping a little.  Though now I’m awake more I need more stuff to do.  I so wish I was working.

I went to lunch with a friend yesterday and we got to talking about our depression and my anxiety.  I brought up that I think the depression is mostly a symptom of my anxiety and that I can cycle high and low.  I wonder if I’m not a bit bipolar.  I need a better assessment but since I don’t have medical insurance right now, I’ll have to wait.

I have been off my medication for two weeks now and haven’t seen a difference.  At this point, I’m not going to go back on it unless I really have to. 

As for the bipolar, there are times, rare but still times, when I’m so full of energy that I can be bouncing off the walls.  And then the next few days I’m so exhausted and depressed that I can’t get out of bed.  I don’t know where I would be on the bipolar scale but I know I’m not bipolar I.  I just don’t do the extreme things that characterize it though I wonder how much of that is a result of my upbringing and the fear I felt for every choice I made worrying that I would be punished severely.  I wonder if that’s kept me from, no, I know that’s kept me from doing certain things.  Fear.

Like I’ve written before, I grew up in a house full of fear.  My mother loved to control and to make others miserable.  She was miserable and unhappy but refused to recognize it or do anything about it.  She preferred to take her anger and frustrations out on me.  Just easier to blame me then take responsibility for her own life and happiness.  She wanted people to do everything for her. She believed she deserved to be treated like a queen all the time, waited on hand and foot, slaves to come running at her beck and call to fulfill every little whom and desire.  The reality was she was a stay at home mother who was miserable and refused to have a social life outside the house.  The few friends she have she alienated them through her narcissistic behavior and attitude.

She had no use for personal boundaries and loved to violate mine.  I would be in the shower, with the door supposedly locked, and she’d barge right in and use the toilet.  We had two other bathrooms in the house but she always had to use the one I was in, especially if I was showering or undressed.  And the door locks didn’t really work all that well.  So I didn’t have any real privacy.

And she was always going through my things, through my clothes, my underwear, my backpack and homework, books I borrowed from the library.  Even when I was in high school she would do that.  Not to my sisters, at least not to the extent she violated my boundaries and privacy.  She would ask them first but I had no such courtesy extended to me.

Then there was the constant.comparisons to my younger sisters.  Remember, I’m the oldest.child.  I went to high school first and was in honor classes all four years yet my sisters who were in junior high and elementary school had better grades.  No, they didn’t.  I was in a sophomore honors math class my freshman year in high school and yet I was being compared to my sister in pre-algebra eighth grade math.  Tell me how she is supposed to be smarter than me.  I went all the way through Calculus AP in high school and none of my sisters got past geometry and pre-trigonometry but I’m the idiot.  (Okay, math was definitely not my strong suit but I passed all honors classes. Yes, I got a C in math but still did honors.)  But so many comparisons.  Never a “you did great” or “I’m proud of you.”

Hell, I’m the only one that graduated from college and have two degrees.  But I’m not married, letting my mother run my life so I’m a failure with a capital Epic.

I guess I’m just rambling.  I know I want to write a post about how my mother’s implementation of spanking affected me.  Hell, when you are the one by and large the only one getting spanked and for any reason my mother wanted, it will definitely impact a person.

But I better stop before this gets too long.  Laundry is done though just need to remake my bed.  Made done more sugar scrub since I was about out.  Searched for and wrote down some different sugar scrub recipes since that’s what I’m making for Christmas gifts this year.  Still need to clean the bathroom.  And finish reading books.since they have to go back on Monday.

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