Mental Head Space

It’s been weird lately.  I’ve had several dreams lately where I’ve been allowed to go back to work for evil security company.  Okay, that’s not quite right.  The dreams usually entail me showing up for work (even though I’ve been fired) because I’m back on the schedule for some unknown reason.  I know I’m fired but nobody else seems to know or care.  Then I show up but then there is the problem that I’m not supposed to be working that shift or I’m only working one more shift or I was suspended but now I’m back but somebody else has been hired to do my job. Some variation of that.  Last night it was I fired but everyone thought I had been suspended, shown up for work (though the place was completely different), but a new guy had been hired and was working my job. 

I know that dreams are a means of the subconscious mind trying to work things out.  I don’t want to back to work for evil security.company or do uniformed security again.  I still haven’t heard about a decision with regards to the hearing and I should have by now.  So I think a lot of it is the hearing, all the abuse and harassment I suffered while working for evil security company, still not working, and unfortunately, considering do uniformed security even though I don’t want to.  It’s all of this and none of this.

Like I’ve said before, bad head space.  This not working is driving me bonkers.  I need to work.  I need to be doing something that doesn’t keep me cooped up in my apartment.  I feel like I’m going nowhere, that I’ve failed, that my pathetic existence is the highlight of my life and the only way is down.  I will never go up again.  I’ve never had a major success and I never will.

I guess my mother.  I haven’t amounted to anything.

I’m so lost right now and not lost at all.  It’s all so black and yet all I have to do is ride it all out.  I hate this time of year especially the holidays even though they haven’t.started yet.  And the crying doesn’t help though I’m on the edge of tears or in tears a lot more often.

I feel purposeless, directionless.  I need to be doing something, to be working.  I won’t have benefits for very much longer and it doesn’t seen like I’ll have a job anytime soon.  I need to be doing something, to make money somehow, someway.

This is getting ridiculous.  I should have heard something about the hearing and the job.  I shouldn’t be worrying about evil security company (even though I wish they would apologize for what they did to me and how I was treated) and having to work for them anymore. I wish I didn’t have to worry about money or about which bills to pay or not to pay.  I wish the idea of suicide wouldn’t come up because sometimes it feels like it would stop the money problems and the.pain but it really wouldn’t.  None of my regular distractions are helping.  I know I just have to ride it out but when I’m like this even knowing that this will past doesn’t help.

Hell, I’m thinking of doing some laundry to distract myself. I don’t know if it would really help but it would be something to do.  Thing is, since doing laundry costs quarters, I don’t do laundry unless I have a lot so as to make it worthwhile.  Now I probably have enough for a good size load, more,if I  washed some of my pillows, but I’d rather wait.

At least I’m calmer now.  I still want another pepperoni, pineapple, and  (green) pepper pizza.  I got one yesterday from Little Caesar’s and it was so good I ate all but one slice yesterday.  Geez, not all in one sitting.  It was really, really good.  And I want some more Pepperidge Farm cookies.  Don’t ask me why but those were really good as well.  Yes, I’m probably not eating very healthy but at least I’m eating and that’s what matters.

Okay, I’ve probably rambled enough over the last few hours and should probably quit while I’m behind.

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