Writing A Bad Day

I had to write this out with paper and own because I was in such a bad headspace earlier.  I write this in just over an hour with several crying jags and moments of extreme anger that resulted with me hitting myself.  Like I said, not a good headspace.

Today is one of my bad days.  One of my really bad days.  So bad for a moment I was so suicidal I nearly had the knife to my wrist.  Didn’t do it of course but I was that close.

Right now I am so sulk of anger anger at myself.  I keep hitting myself.  I was reading Nice Girl Syndrome and all I can think, all that’s going through my head is anger, how useless, how worthless I an, how I need to punish myself that learning to stand up for myself  bitchy, narcissistic thing to do.  I just need to be a nice, obedient, silent, submissive girl and then things will work out alright, Good will finally love me.  Then I go to Catholic.Answers Forums where all the talk is about Pope Francis and his desire for a deeper theology of women.  Just about everyone in the Trad forum think that means every American Catholic woman wants ordination because they haven’t been properly catechized to understand they should only be submissive wives and mothers and that should be the only thing they want.  Everything else is a blasphemy and damns people to hell.

There are several women posters who advocate this, even demonizing women who don’t agree with them or their views.  They want women to be submissive doormats men need bigger roles in the Church since more women work in the parishes then men.  Well, yeah, because who v else will work for little while slaving away to carry on the faith.  There’s no real money in parish work and women are willing to do the work while men work in the secular world where they get paid more.  Of course, posters refuse to acknowledge thus; they think if they get rid of the women then the men would come back and take over everything.   Yeah, that’s not going to happen.  Add in the abuse scandals, societal and religious perceptions and expectations of women, plus the pay level, men are not going to do much parish work.  Now that.doesn’t mean they’re absent.  They still do things like Knights of Colombus,  fundraisers, Boy Scouts, physical labor but they aren’t going to become secretaries, assistants, catechists, DREs.  It’s not because they can’t but they know women are better at relationships since they.are trained to be so from birth and men recognize on some level that the ability to foster and.maintain a relationship is important especially in teaching.  Doesn’t mean men are leaving the faith or are absent but understanding how to effectively use the resources and talents you have for the benefit of the whole parish instead of just one person highlights that we are a community of  believers, not just a slapdash group of individuals thrown together.

I find it fascinating and appalling that it’s largely WOMEN who complain about women volunteering and working in parishes.  It’s largely WOMEN who enforce destructive ideas of modesty, sexuality, marriage, abusive relationships. 

It’s WOMEN who slut shame other women for wearing pants, swimsuits at the pool, dressing so that they look attractive, for not being in a burqa.  They are also the ones who fat shame women who don’t fit an ad agency’s idea of the female figure of a supermodel. 

It’s WOMEN who slut shame women for recognizing that they are sexual beings, for enjoying sex within marriage, for not fulfilling their impossible beliefs about Catholic/Christian motherhood/wifehood that had many children with extreme purity where bodies are ashamed just for existing, for even liking guys, for being human, for recognizing that women have bodies, for not following their extreme ideas about purity.

It’s WOMEN who abuse shame women to enter into abusive relationships that are considered “godly” and “biblical” because the man lords it over the girl (girls never become an adult in this world) and abuses her I’m god’s name a decreed by the pastor.

It’s WOMEN who beat women into believing that it is their fault if a boy lusts after a girl, if a husband cheats on his wife, if a woman is raped, if someone in their life comes out gay.  It’s a woman’s fault that men rape, hit, are gay and if only women dressed in burqas, stayed under the power of their fathers/husband, first time obedient, never.question, never educated, then men would be perfect and God might like women but only through men because women are so despicable that they can’t be loved or liked by God, only by Man.

I’m just so angry and taught the only person I could be angry with is myself so I learned to turn that anger on myself and turn it inward. I still think punishing myself would make things better, would make my abusive narcissistic love me, make God love me.  If I just kept the rules fundies/traddies had then maybe God would finally notice me and maybe, very small maybe, love me.  If I just dress modestly, married a man who beat me and raped me, was a stay at home mother who didn’t actually homeschool because the boys would all become priests and go to a boy school (since I can’t have any authority over men and boys are just young men)while I taught the girls how to keep house since that’s all they need to know, always praying the Rosary but keeping silent otherwise, and spanking the children since beating kids is biblical.

If I did all this, then maybe I would be good Catholic woman and God would love me.  Because, right now, by not doing any if this I’m going straight to hell and God is gleefully running his hands together in anticipation of my burning for eternity.

According to Catholic fundies/traddies.

Hey, rules work, don’t they?  Drivers over traffic laws, students obey school policies.  Therefore, rules work.  Do arbitrary abusive rules work? No, but we keep them anyway and enforce them thinking that if we only get them right this time everything would be okay.  Bad things won’t happen, God will finally love me.

And God have us rules, right?  And if we just keep them then we get to go to Heaven.  Right? Yes, there are the Ten Commandments and the Jews have 613 commandments but even they recognize that they can’t keep them perfectly.

I’m still angry, raging.  All 
I can do right now when thought of women just need, I just need to remember that I am damned, that I shouldn’t have the right to vote, should not have an education or a career, that women just need to learn their place a inferior worthless brings good for only being wives and mothers and women should be punished for their being anything but a wife and mother.  I keep wanting to post on CAF  on how women should learn their place, that rape and abuse should be made legal, that women who get any kind of education needs to be beaten, that disobedient wives, need to be spanked, that  women are property and we need to remember this has always been the teaching and we need to go back to this teaching otherwise the world.and Church will suffer.

Remember, all the evoking the world is the result of women.  All I can do is hit myself because I have a need to punish myself because if I punish myself then things would be alright.  I deserved.to be punished,.to be beaten, to be spanked.  I have so much anger maybe if it was beaten out of me then I wouldn’t have it anymore.  I deserve hell.  God cannot possibly love something so utterly evil as me.  I hate myself.  I just wish God did too because it would make it all easier.  I know I’m not lovable.  Why doesn’t He? Why can’t he let me die? I’m so worthless, so evil, so angry.  If He would just punish me, I would finally understand my place with Him.  This loving and forgiveness thing isn’t working out for me.  I can’t be loved.  My mother doesn’t love me.  My dad doesn’t love me.  I don’t love me.  I just can’t get away from it, from me.  I can’t suffer in peace.  I deserve to due and go to.hell.  That’s what everyone keeps telling me.  That’s what I tell me.

I hate this headspace. At least there is an answer to the fundies/traddies: THAT IS NOT CHURCH TEACHING.  Fundies/traddies are a bunch of liars and have gotten in my head.  I want them gone.

To the Fundies/Traddies in my head:

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD YOU LYING, THIEVING, CHEATING HYPOCRITES.

YOU DO NOT SPEAK FOR GOD OR THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.

YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN FUNDAMENTALIST ISLAMISTS.  NOBODY LIKES YOU.  YOU JUST MAKE YOURSELF SOUND STUPID.  YOU ARE STUPID IDIOTS THAT ARE MORE OBSESSED WITH TEMPORAL THINGS INSTEAD OF THE ETERNAL ONE.

WE DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT.

WE WANT LOVE, GRACE, FORGIVENESS NOT JUDGEMENT, CONDEMNATION, ABUSE. 

YOU DO NOT SERVE GOD.  YOU SEEN TO SERVE YOURSELF.  SO SHUT UP.  GOD, JESUS, POPE FRANCIS, AND THE CHURCH CAN SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES AND THEY AREN’T SAYING THE GARBAGE YOU ARE.  SO SHUT THE FUCK UP.

ANGER IS OKAY.  USING IT AS AN EXCUSE IS NOT.

HAVING RULES IS OKAY.  ARBITRARY ABUSIVE RULES ARE NOT.

A WELL FORMED CONSCIENCE IS NECESSARY. SHAMING IS NOT.

SUFFERING THE CONSEQUENCES IS NECESSARY.  BEATING, SPANKING, AND PUNISHMENT ARE NOT.

BOUNDARIES ARE NECESSARY AND VERY HEALTHY. VIOLATING THEM IS NOT.

BUILDING PEOPLE UP IS GOOD.  TEARING THEM DOWN US NOT.

LOVE NOT HATE IS THE WAY OF JESUS CHRIST.

Seven pages of handwriting.  That was my headspace several hours ago and has been my headspace too many times.  I hate it.  I don’t want to go there again.

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