Mondays and I don’t get along very well. I didn’t fall asleep until after five this morning and so decided to sleep until after six this evening. I didn’t help that I had started my period but I still made the choice to sleep most of the day.
So of course the one major phone call I needed to make I didn’t. Will a day make a difference? Probably not. At least last night, I found a couple of job leads that I will apply for. And seasonal retail work is starting so there is always that to look for.
Is any of this I want to be doing? No but I need a job and this is what’s available. Hell, I’m even seriously thinking of signing up with the union to join one of the trades. I may have two college degrees but they are pretty useless at this point. I know I will never get my dream job. I learned to get rid of any dreams I had and live in reality. And my parents messed me up too but at this point this is all on me. I have to find a job on my own merits. I’ve done it before.
The thing is I’m great at dreaming not so great at follow through. I learned or at least convinced myself why bother when all I’m going to do is fail. I still expect failure even when I succeed. I think.I did something wrong, messed up somewhere since everything is supposed to fail for me. Bad logic I know and I can largely ignore it but when important, major decisions come up, it still rears its ugly head.
I guess at this point I’m going to operate as if my benefits no longer exist. That sucks but I can deal with it. I will unfortunately have to borrow money from my parents to pay rent and cell phone (I didn’t tell them about the hearing) and I don’t like borrowing from them because a guilt trip is involved and pressure to move to Kansas and live with them. Which I definitely don’t want to do. At all. Never.
Now I’m working on NOT focusing on negative stuff but on the stuff I can do. And think Autocorrect is very unhelpful at times.
Well, I have carrots and potatoes with thyme and Rosemary roasting in the oven which I am now starting to smell and chicken to cool soon. So I’m going to focus on dinner and work on reading a few books and then try to get my sleep schedule back on track.