Monday, Monday

Mondays and I don’t get along very well.  I didn’t fall asleep until after five this morning and so decided to sleep until after six this evening.  I didn’t help that I had started my period but I still made the choice to sleep most of the day.

So of course the one major phone call I needed to make I didn’t.  Will a day make a difference?  Probably not.  At least last night, I found a couple of job leads that I will apply for.  And seasonal retail work is starting so there is always that to look for. 

Is any of this I want to be doing?  No but I need a job and this is what’s available.  Hell, I’m even seriously thinking of signing up with the union to join one of the trades.  I may have two college degrees but they are pretty useless at this point.  I know I will never get my dream job.  I learned to get rid of any dreams I had and live in reality.  And my parents messed me up too but at this point this is all on me.  I have to find a job on my own merits.  I’ve done it before.

The thing is I’m great at dreaming not so great at follow through.  I learned or at least convinced myself why bother when all I’m going to do is fail.  I still expect failure even when I succeed.  I think.I did something wrong, messed up somewhere since everything is supposed to fail for me.  Bad logic I know and I can largely ignore it but when important, major decisions come up, it still rears its ugly head.

I guess at this point I’m going to operate as if my benefits no longer exist.  That sucks but I can deal with it.  I will unfortunately have to borrow money from my parents to pay rent and cell phone (I didn’t tell them about the hearing) and I don’t like borrowing from them because a guilt trip is involved and pressure to move to Kansas and live with them.  Which I definitely don’t want to do.  At all.  Never.

Now I’m working on NOT focusing on negative stuff but on the stuff I can do.  And think Autocorrect is very unhelpful at times.

Well, I have carrots and potatoes with thyme and Rosemary roasting in the oven which I am now starting to smell and chicken to cool soon.  So I’m going to focus on dinner and work on reading a few books and then try to get my sleep schedule back on track.

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