Archive for November, 2013

It’s Official

I’m insane.

Yep.  I am.  I went for my run/walk this morning though not till after 9:30 thinking yeah, it’s going to be very chilly but with the quick run and then fast walking I would be fine.

It’s sunny out.  There’s a stiff breeze but it’s not bad.  Checked temps on the phone and it was just above freezing. 

Thing is, it wasn’t above freezing.  It was below.  27 degrees instead of 34 like I thought.  And yet, it wasn’t that cold.  That’s where I’m insane because 27 degrees is bloody freezing.

Now, granted I’ve worked out in temps that were in the low teens before with proper attire but willingly choosing to exercise in said weather makes me insane.

It’s official: I’m an Oregonian.

Things I’ve Learned

As of this morning:

1. I am really out of shape.

2. I am not a runner.

3. My running shoes are really old and hurt the upper part of my right heel.

4. I’ve lived on Oregon so long that I consider 48 degrees with drizzle good weather to go running in.

5. I may be insane or maybe I’m just an Oregonian.

So I stupidly, okay, insanely decided to go for a run this morning.  Yeah, that worked out so well.  I lasted a block and maybe a quarter before I had to switch to walking.  I just know I needed out this morning and a run seemed like a really good idea. 

Except, as I said, I’m really out of shape and was never much of a runner.  I’m still coughing but my heart rate has finally calmed down.  I’ll stick to walking for awhile.  Till summer. 

At least my knee isn’t threatening to kill me. 

Yet.

Numb

That’s largely what I feel right now, numb.  I believe that’s a,little bit from being back on my medication again.  It will pass but the numbness existed before I went back on my meds.  I’m back on them, at least the small supply I have, to get through the next couple months.  Plus, I was having too many serious crying jags and suicidal thinking.

While the meds only help a little, they help in the most important ways.  It’s only been a week and I’m much calmer, which is what I remember from the first time I was on them.  My emotions aren’t all over the place.

However, I have less energy than I did before but I think it’s just an adjustment my body is making.  That means I don’t get out of bed before 5 p.m. and haven’t been out of my apartment since Wednesday. 

I didn’t make it to Mass this morning and then decided not to go to Spanish Mass this evening.  That has been something that I have been struggling with/questioning/having doubts/etc. about: my faith.  I think a lot of this right now comes from being unemployed so not working, so not busy.  I believe and I understand what I believe but there isn’t much of an emotional connection, I would say.  I definitely have religious habits (oh boy, what a pun) but they don’t make faith.  I question if I even have faith.  Like I said, I believe but belief and faith are two different things.

Now, honestly, I could never be anything but Catholic. I was raised Catholic and have therefore been Catholic all my life.  Nothing else makes sense.  And yet, I still feel like I’m missing something, that I don’t understand, that I don’t fit. 

Granted, I honestly don’t fit in in just about all Catholic circles because I’m a 31 year old single woman with no family (in the area), no intention of getting married, and largely lower middle class (I’ll never be rich, hell, I may never be able to retire).  I’m a nobody with no prospects so therefore I’m unimportant and very much ignored. 

I don’t know.  I just want something more.  I know I want to be more than some minimum wage schlub.  I know I want to be important.  I know I want to be wanted and needed.  I know I want to feel something when I get a hug.  And I know those are all selfish things. 

That I should be happy and extremely gratefully to have a dead end, minimum wage job.  That I should be thankful that nobody wants me or needs me because being unimportant is more “Christ-like” than being important or wanted or needed.  That I should be grateful that I have so little that if I were to, lose it all then it would be easy to replace, that I’m easy to replace. That faith is not based on feeling so not feeling something is a God thing.

And yet, that’s all bunk, too.  I just don’t know.  Add anxiety and depression and the abuse by my mother and being told all I need to do is pray and I’ll be cured immediately doesn’t help either. 

This isn’t making much sense.  I think I’ll stop now.  Maybe write it longhand.

It’s Been Awhile

Sorry, I’m working on a longer, serious post but it’s taking longer because of emotional issues attached.

Weather wise, it is definitely fall/winter here.  Though we haven’t had as much rain as we usually do.  We might actually be behind in rainfall because typically it’s raining everyday and I can only recall three days out of the last two weeks where it rained.  So yeah, things are out of whack.  However, it has been cold enough that I turned the heat on in my apartment Sunday evening. 

I’ve been trying to hold back on using heat because I still don’t have a job and I really don’t want to ask my parents again for money.  I’m doing what I can to reduce expenses but honestly, short of stop eating, there isn’t much more I can do.

As it is, I’m not currently paying my student loans or the credit card bill, which are the biggest bills outside of rent that I have to pay.  And I know not paying them is ruining my financial credit but it happened before and honestly I don’t care.  I’ll probably never be able to afford to buy a house which is the only thing I would care about having good credit for. 

Yes, I’ve applied to jobs but haven’t heard a thing back.  I have a few more to apply for but honestly I might as well apply for holiday retail.  That’s probably all I’m good for anyways.  Two college degrees and I’m doing minimum wage work.  I don’t know why I bother trying to find something better because I can’t seem to qualify for something better.  I may be educated but mostly I’m just stupid.  I could go back for another useless degree (and it would be useless) and go even more in debt or resign myself to the fact that I’m only good for minimum wage work no matter my education or work history.  Well, more like because of my work history.

No matter how much I want a full-time office job with salary and benefits they aren’t for me.  I’m barely just good enough for minimum wage work, which is what my last two jobs were.  And while the evil security company did pay slightly better than minimum wage, they really didn’t, and then they fire you so they don’t have to pay you and it’s cheaper to hire someone new.

I don’t know why I got an education.  It hadn’t helped me any.  I know it was expected of me to go to college but only because I was expected to get my MRS degree.  Well, I didn’t so I failed my parents.  Though I failed them just by being born.  I had dreams to work in law enforcement but those I has to let die pretty quickly because no one is going to take a loser like me with my anxiety and depression and clothing issues.  And after applying several times to the FBI and rejected, why bother applying since if they wouldn’t take then no other federal, state, or local agencies would.

I know nobody wants to read depressing, negative shit like what I’m writing but it’s what’s going through my head.  Sometimes, even though I don’t want to admit it: my mother was right and I haven’t amounted to anything.  I’m definitely not successful.  I’m unemployed.  I have no real skills or talents that make me stand out in anyway. 

So I’m pretty much mediocre.  Nobody wants mediocre.  They want amazing, fantastic, out of this world, terrific, wonderful.  Things I’m definitely not.

Sorry, this was supposed to be posted last night but it wasn’t.

A Letter To…

Dear Idiot Who Touched the Dryer My Clothes Were In,

It must be nice to have money to burn.  I don’t.  So don’t go opening dryers that don’t have your stuff in them.  If you do, then make sure they’re running you know as in hit the button if it has stopped running.  I can’t afford to spend ridiculous amounts of money on laundry even if you can.  I paid for my time.  You did not.  Don’t go touching dryers that are not yours.

You’re a jerk,

Me

So I’m doing laundry and had one of my neighbors be real nice and let me have the last ten minutes of his load in the dryer.  Perfect since the dryer is already hot and I washed two loads so I could dry them together since the other dryer was still being used by someone.  That other someone opened the dryer door on the dryer.I was using so I lost 50 minutes and over $2.00 in quarters just to dry.  I hate rude people. 

I may have to go back to using the laundromat again.  A little more expensive and time consuming but at least I’ll be the only one touching the machines I use.  And I won’t have to worry about clothes being stolen.  Some people don’t seem to understand apartment living.


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