It’s Been Awhile

Sorry, I’m working on a longer, serious post but it’s taking longer because of emotional issues attached.

Weather wise, it is definitely fall/winter here.  Though we haven’t had as much rain as we usually do.  We might actually be behind in rainfall because typically it’s raining everyday and I can only recall three days out of the last two weeks where it rained.  So yeah, things are out of whack.  However, it has been cold enough that I turned the heat on in my apartment Sunday evening. 

I’ve been trying to hold back on using heat because I still don’t have a job and I really don’t want to ask my parents again for money.  I’m doing what I can to reduce expenses but honestly, short of stop eating, there isn’t much more I can do.

As it is, I’m not currently paying my student loans or the credit card bill, which are the biggest bills outside of rent that I have to pay.  And I know not paying them is ruining my financial credit but it happened before and honestly I don’t care.  I’ll probably never be able to afford to buy a house which is the only thing I would care about having good credit for. 

Yes, I’ve applied to jobs but haven’t heard a thing back.  I have a few more to apply for but honestly I might as well apply for holiday retail.  That’s probably all I’m good for anyways.  Two college degrees and I’m doing minimum wage work.  I don’t know why I bother trying to find something better because I can’t seem to qualify for something better.  I may be educated but mostly I’m just stupid.  I could go back for another useless degree (and it would be useless) and go even more in debt or resign myself to the fact that I’m only good for minimum wage work no matter my education or work history.  Well, more like because of my work history.

No matter how much I want a full-time office job with salary and benefits they aren’t for me.  I’m barely just good enough for minimum wage work, which is what my last two jobs were.  And while the evil security company did pay slightly better than minimum wage, they really didn’t, and then they fire you so they don’t have to pay you and it’s cheaper to hire someone new.

I don’t know why I got an education.  It hadn’t helped me any.  I know it was expected of me to go to college but only because I was expected to get my MRS degree.  Well, I didn’t so I failed my parents.  Though I failed them just by being born.  I had dreams to work in law enforcement but those I has to let die pretty quickly because no one is going to take a loser like me with my anxiety and depression and clothing issues.  And after applying several times to the FBI and rejected, why bother applying since if they wouldn’t take then no other federal, state, or local agencies would.

I know nobody wants to read depressing, negative shit like what I’m writing but it’s what’s going through my head.  Sometimes, even though I don’t want to admit it: my mother was right and I haven’t amounted to anything.  I’m definitely not successful.  I’m unemployed.  I have no real skills or talents that make me stand out in anyway. 

So I’m pretty much mediocre.  Nobody wants mediocre.  They want amazing, fantastic, out of this world, terrific, wonderful.  Things I’m definitely not.

Sorry, this was supposed to be posted last night but it wasn’t.



Type this later, if I remember.

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