Numb

That’s largely what I feel right now, numb.  I believe that’s a,little bit from being back on my medication again.  It will pass but the numbness existed before I went back on my meds.  I’m back on them, at least the small supply I have, to get through the next couple months.  Plus, I was having too many serious crying jags and suicidal thinking.

While the meds only help a little, they help in the most important ways.  It’s only been a week and I’m much calmer, which is what I remember from the first time I was on them.  My emotions aren’t all over the place.

However, I have less energy than I did before but I think it’s just an adjustment my body is making.  That means I don’t get out of bed before 5 p.m. and haven’t been out of my apartment since Wednesday. 

I didn’t make it to Mass this morning and then decided not to go to Spanish Mass this evening.  That has been something that I have been struggling with/questioning/having doubts/etc. about: my faith.  I think a lot of this right now comes from being unemployed so not working, so not busy.  I believe and I understand what I believe but there isn’t much of an emotional connection, I would say.  I definitely have religious habits (oh boy, what a pun) but they don’t make faith.  I question if I even have faith.  Like I said, I believe but belief and faith are two different things.

Now, honestly, I could never be anything but Catholic. I was raised Catholic and have therefore been Catholic all my life.  Nothing else makes sense.  And yet, I still feel like I’m missing something, that I don’t understand, that I don’t fit. 

Granted, I honestly don’t fit in in just about all Catholic circles because I’m a 31 year old single woman with no family (in the area), no intention of getting married, and largely lower middle class (I’ll never be rich, hell, I may never be able to retire).  I’m a nobody with no prospects so therefore I’m unimportant and very much ignored. 

I don’t know.  I just want something more.  I know I want to be more than some minimum wage schlub.  I know I want to be important.  I know I want to be wanted and needed.  I know I want to feel something when I get a hug.  And I know those are all selfish things. 

That I should be happy and extremely gratefully to have a dead end, minimum wage job.  That I should be thankful that nobody wants me or needs me because being unimportant is more “Christ-like” than being important or wanted or needed.  That I should be grateful that I have so little that if I were to, lose it all then it would be easy to replace, that I’m easy to replace. That faith is not based on feeling so not feeling something is a God thing.

And yet, that’s all bunk, too.  I just don’t know.  Add anxiety and depression and the abuse by my mother and being told all I need to do is pray and I’ll be cured immediately doesn’t help either. 

This isn’t making much sense.  I think I’ll stop now.  Maybe write it longhand.

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