That’s largely what I feel right now, numb. I believe that’s a,little bit from being back on my medication again. It will pass but the numbness existed before I went back on my meds. I’m back on them, at least the small supply I have, to get through the next couple months. Plus, I was having too many serious crying jags and suicidal thinking.
While the meds only help a little, they help in the most important ways. It’s only been a week and I’m much calmer, which is what I remember from the first time I was on them. My emotions aren’t all over the place.
However, I have less energy than I did before but I think it’s just an adjustment my body is making. That means I don’t get out of bed before 5 p.m. and haven’t been out of my apartment since Wednesday.
I didn’t make it to Mass this morning and then decided not to go to Spanish Mass this evening. That has been something that I have been struggling with/questioning/having doubts/etc. about: my faith. I think a lot of this right now comes from being unemployed so not working, so not busy. I believe and I understand what I believe but there isn’t much of an emotional connection, I would say. I definitely have religious habits (oh boy, what a pun) but they don’t make faith. I question if I even have faith. Like I said, I believe but belief and faith are two different things.
Now, honestly, I could never be anything but Catholic. I was raised Catholic and have therefore been Catholic all my life. Nothing else makes sense. And yet, I still feel like I’m missing something, that I don’t understand, that I don’t fit.
Granted, I honestly don’t fit in in just about all Catholic circles because I’m a 31 year old single woman with no family (in the area), no intention of getting married, and largely lower middle class (I’ll never be rich, hell, I may never be able to retire). I’m a nobody with no prospects so therefore I’m unimportant and very much ignored.
I don’t know. I just want something more. I know I want to be more than some minimum wage schlub. I know I want to be important. I know I want to be wanted and needed. I know I want to feel something when I get a hug. And I know those are all selfish things.
That I should be happy and extremely gratefully to have a dead end, minimum wage job. That I should be thankful that nobody wants me or needs me because being unimportant is more “Christ-like” than being important or wanted or needed. That I should be grateful that I have so little that if I were to, lose it all then it would be easy to replace, that I’m easy to replace. That faith is not based on feeling so not feeling something is a God thing.
And yet, that’s all bunk, too. I just don’t know. Add anxiety and depression and the abuse by my mother and being told all I need to do is pray and I’ll be cured immediately doesn’t help either.
This isn’t making much sense. I think I’ll stop now. Maybe write it longhand.