Isn’t that the emotional message we always hear when we see or hear someone crying or about someone crying? That crying is only for weak little things that don’t know any better until they do.
That as adults, we aren’t supposed to cry, especially not men and women who are seen crying are considered babies and not to be taken seriously let alone consider them as adults.
We treat our emotions and feelings as bad, undesirable things to be done away with or ignored or even excised out, not just suppressed. We are not allowed to be human with feelings and emotions and relationships. We are to be thrill seeking robots who seek only pleasure, sex, and money. We are not individuals with wants or needs. We are to use each other without fear of any consequences to ourselves or to those we hurt.
So I’ve been crying a lot lately. I’m also off my medication but that’s more due to running out than a real choice. And no job means no health insurance means no medication. But what I’ve posted above is also true.
Feeling our feelings and even expressing them is seen as backwards, uncivilized, UN-feminine, UN-masculine (blame Autocorrect for the stupid capitalization), inhuman, destructive, detrimental to the continuation of the human race, just plain out useless. We live in a utilitarian world where our value is measured in money and what physical services we provide. Products to consume are more important than people. If you aren’t working and making money, you are useless and don’t deserve to live. Emotions and feelings are trivial and get in the way of producing goods and making the company money.
We are also told not feel anything.when relating past abuses and traumas. Crying is just for babies who don’t know how to talk. Once a person can talk, crying is to forgotten, ignored, and beaten out of a person. Feelings and emotions are irrational. Words are rational. Words used to describe feelings are vulgar and should never be used. Plus, abuse and trauma are in the past and so therefore there is no need to talk about and there is definitely nothing to feel. Only weak, useless things feel. Real people are strong and never cry and know how to work hard and deal with worthless things appropriately. Real people are never sad or upset or angry. They are happy and content and resolved. They are evolved and enlightened, not superstitious and ignorant.
Crying is for babies. Babies are weak and have to rely on others. Adults and children are not babies so therefore have no need to cry. They just need to continue on. Move on and with no thinking about the past. There is only the future and how you will dominate and succeed in it.
Adults who cry have just demonstrated that they are not to be taken seriously and are definitely not to be considered adults. Adults do not let things get to them. They have no emotions to “get”. They just have problems to resolve and can do so without any emotional involvement. Emotions are weaknesses. Deadly weaknesses. Things that can get you killed. And should if you are so stupid to feel let alone express them.
Isn’t that the message the world forces us hear and swallow? Isn’t that the lies people who find out about our abuse and traumas force down our throat because they don’t want to hear about it or deny it ever happened or are glad it happened to you? Aren’t we screwed up enough with all the garbage we hear everyday that we don’t need more topped on?
The abuse I suffered hurt me. It hurt me in ways I’m still figuring out, still learning. Crying is going to be part of that. So is anger. I wasn’t allowed to feel or express my emotions growing up. I had to hide and suppress them because I never knew what was going to set my mother off. What idea or belief she now held that was extreme and fringe and dangerous.
When my mother spanked me, I wasn’t allowed to even be aware of the anger, the rage I felt at being hit all because my mother felt the need to rage on somebody and I was the easy target. I was too afraid to do anything but let myself be hit. The truth didn’t matter. My mother held herself up as God and that was that. Going to dad wouldn’t help. He didn’t want to or believe it. He preferred sticking his fingers in his ears and playing on his computer. He refused to get involved. If he want involved or didn’t acknowledge it, then it didn’t happen. If it didn’t happen,.then there was nothing wrong. If there was nothing wrong, then everything was okay.
As I was growing up, I thought this was all normal. That all families spanked and screamed and lies and raged. I believed all families did this because I had never seen anything else. I never knew you could touch without hitting. I never knew that you could get angry and not scream and yell. I never knew that living in fear of so many things was wrong. I never knew a family didn’t have to hate each other and lie about each other behind their backs. I never knew.
And seeing it now is so hard sometimes. I’m still expecting things with my friends to end up just like my own family. The way I grew up is the only way I know. Its lies are more true to me than the truth.