Lent, that it. I still have many other posts I should finish and post but part of my Lenten observerance this year involves updates and posts here.
This year for Lent I am:
Going meatless (I do this every year)
No pizza (something I’ve done the last few years)
Apply or at least look for a job every day during Lent (well I need a job and I wasn’t putting in the effort or work I needed to to find one)
Weekly posts to this blog, on Wednesdays, on a Catholic topic
Go to Confession (okay, that’s been on my to do list for a while and just needs to be done)
So all in all not doing a lot but I shouldn’t do a lot. I have problems, which I may or may not have explained before, where I think, even believe, that I need to do more and do it perfectly. Actually, I believe I just need to be punished and everything will finally be all right.
I’ve always believed, had it in my head, whatever, that Lent is not a fun season. Not only that, it was a time where you had to absolutely miserable and suffering. I needed to not only give up sweets and meat and not eat all day on Fridays but give up more and add heaping penances on myself. If I gave up sweets, I couldn’t have even jelly or jam on toast. I could not have anything that was remotely sweet in anyway or I would be sinning. I had to go above and beyond and yet that still wasn’t enough. I had to suffer. I had to be punished.
Being punished was all I was and am good for. If I was punished, things would go back to normal. Would be the way they were supposed to be, not what reality was. I had it my mind that if I punished myself then my mother would finally love me.
It doesn’t work that way. Just replace mother with God and you’ll understand how messed up my thinking is. I didn’t figure out that I wanted to punish myself to make things right until about two years ago. But I still think it and believe it, to an extent.
I understand that I can’t make my mother love me. She never has and never will. She’s not really capable of loving someone beside herself. She’s just too self-centered for that. And I can’t make God love me but then I don’t believe he loves me either.
You can tell me until you’re blue in the face that God and Jesus loves me and that the Bible even says it but I don’t believe it. I don’t get it either. If you grow up not being loved or at least not loved very much or loved very conditionally, being told you are loved and by a person you can’t really see or hear,or touch is unbelievable.
To me, I’m not loveable and cannot be loved. I need this to be true which would then explain how my parents treated me and how others saw and see. How can I be loved if I’m not loveable? I’m not loveable, therefore I am not loved.
Love is conditional. I can only be loved if I meet certain conditions. I don’t meet those conditions therefore I am not loved. I have never been able to meet those conditions so I have never been loved. I am exceptionally good at doing things wrong and terrible at doing things good.
Just look at where I am now: unemployed, broke, in major debt. Nobody liked or loves people who are those things. They are people to be pitied, looked down up, cast aside, and ignored. You must be successful to be loved. Nobody loves a loser. Losers are pathetic and deserve condescension, not help.
Not everybody deserves love, hence conditions. Everybody has conditions to be met before they will love someone, even parents for their children, even when they deny it parents still only love their children conditionally. Love is too precious to just give out unconditionally. There has to be conditions and they have to be properly met before love can be given out and even then it must be in small doses. Can’t go overboard otherwise they might get the stupid idea they deserve to be loved and they can expect that love whenever they want. And without conditions. That cannot be allowed, not at all.
I don’t know the conditions or at least the ones I’ve know I haven’t met therefore I can’t be loved. I was never able to make my mother happy or do what she wanted. And she was always changing the rules, which didn’t help, but then she was allowed to change the rules since she made them up in the first place. And as she repeatedly told me, I was going to Hell. And since Hell was full of people God didn’t therefore God didn’t love me.
I have no problem with God loving other people. That makes sense. Other people have always has it easier, had fewer conditions, if any, to meet. Me, like I said, am not lovable. I’m used to that, in a way, though probably not as much as I should be. I don’t believe it fully but I do believe it. And in my head I believe I need to fully and completely accept that 100% for everything to be alright. For everything to be as it should be.
I’m under a different set of rules and conditions and I know that. I’ve always been under a different set of rules, a different set of standards.
I’ve always had to go to extremes. Normal, average wasn’t good enough. I wasn’t good enough. I had and still don’t have anything that sets me apart, makes me unique. I could die tomorrow and nobody would notice. Or care. That’s how worthless I am. And unloveable. Too many says I deserve going to Hell. Too many days I’ve thought my mother was right and deserves to go to Hell. Too many days I’ve thought of suicide. Too many days I’ve thought if I just accepted fully and completely that I am not loved, that I am useless and worthless then things would finally work out. Too many days I’ve thought punishing myself would make things better. Too many days I’ve thought killing myself would finally make everyone happy. Just too many days.
I just don’t believe God loves me. And I’ve told Him to punish me and He isn’t doing that either. Therefore, I’m probably not even on God’s radar, which is probably a good thing or a bad thing. I don’t know.
I’m not sure what to believe anymore. There are many says when I want to walk away from the Church. I don’t know why I haven’t. There’s no real reason for me to stay though I suppose there’s no reason for me to go.