Cleaning Up

While it mostly involved my living room, (I made my sofa clean and comfy so I will sit in it again; don’t ask, it’s a thing) I also want to cover the last part of Lent.

It’s Holy Week.  While there is much to be said about Holy Week, like how I have a small collection of palms (yes, I have many and added another Sunday), I want to review my Lenten resolutions.  It is interesting that I have started hearing them referred to as resolutions because it implies more than a passing fancy.  Not unlike New Years resolutions.  Though people tend to be better at keeping Lenten resolutions, go fig.

Anyways, out of the things I did on my list, which to review are:

Give up meat
Give up pizza
Post here about Catholic topics
Go to Confession
Search for a job

I have followed through without issue on items 1 and 2. 

I went to Confession, twice even (love my priests because they are so caring and loving and you can feel it and see it). 

Posting here about Catholic topics not so much though I did try to post helpful things.  Though posting here about how I no longer visit a certain blog anymore due to it’s members’ and owners’ behavior was important to me, largely in regards to exposing myself to material and ideas that are harmful to me.  I would end up angry and hurting, mostly at myself, trying to convince myself these hurtful, even heretical ideas were things I needed to do and believe.  They weren’t.

I had to eventually ban myself from Catholic Answers Forum  years ago because of all the garbage I was picking up (personal ideas that people were spouting off as if it were divinely revealed dogma that came straight from Jesus’s mouth).  I had to the same with this Christian blog because there was no difference in the behavior they supposedly condemned from their own behavior.  And I thought they were just a couple of people who thought blogging was a good idea to stop behavior they found appalling and then got in over their heads. Or just don’t care how they write and what they write has an impact on people because they feel entitled to write what they want, how they want, consequences be damned.

Well, enough about that.

The one thing I really didn’t do this Lent was look for a job.  Up until last Saturday, I had only looked once, maybe twice and I definitely hasn’t applied to any.  And probably the only reason I am doing so now is because I’m low on food, the credit card company and student loan company keep calling, and I’m not sure where I stand with a friend, though that last is more me.  What hasn’t helped is having my depression flare up.  Last week was not a good week though Thursday and Friday were in that I was up before noon.  That’s huge for me.  My sleep is again messed up.  I feel lousy.  And empty. 

My friend saw me a week ago and was saying I should get on the state health plan so I could go on meds again.  And I’m thinking that all I need to do is find a job because I don’t think the depression could be affecting me that much.  No way.  Heck, I can still read books and I blog.  So I’m still functional just not as much as I would like or had been in the past.  But then I started thinking about it.  I suppose I could be more affected by the depression than I thought but would I really know.  How could I tell?  I don’t know.  But I’m functional enough I guess.  I just haven’t got a job.  Or, much food.  Or money.  Oh well.

I don’t know.  I just don’t know.

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