Not Quite Letting Go

While the original title was the title of a song, I changed it because this reflects better about a decision I’ve come to after reflection.

I can’t really go into what all was behind this decision, at least the stuff that doesn’t directly involve me and my behavior and thoughts,  but upon reflecting upon interactions I’ve had in the last several weeks, things I’ve read, and just plain spending time in my head, I’ve realized a few things.

One, I’m in a much better place mentally than I was a year ago.  Granted, a year ago I was dealing with being fired from evil security company and all the garbage they had put me through.   I still have anxiety and depression (and.a very uncooperative phone keyboard) but I can manage and cope even being off meds.

Two, the way I look at things matters.   I don’t have to buy into another person’s worldview.  I don’t have to compare myself to others.  The way I see myself is okay.  I am not a failure or a problem or a loser or worthless (watch it, I’ll probably post a post where I’m in bad headspace and believe that garbage again).

Three, just because some shares the same faith and beliefs as me doesn’t make them more knowledgeable or wider or more spiritual.  I’ve come to the point where I just have to deal with faith issues and what not on my own.  I know part of that is from the fact that I’m an introvert and I end up around fellow Catholics that are major extroverts. I just can’t be something I’m not.

Forth, I seem to attract people as friends who aren’t really, hmm, capable of being friends to me.  I can’t go into this here because I’m not sure if certain people read this blog or not but certain behaviors stand out in my mind and made me think about friendship.  Mainly about my ability to make friends but also my ability to piss people off and offend them without really knowing why.  There are also issues about my own  behavior and how  I act.

Fifth, I am okay with being single.  Yes, there are times when I’d like a companion but I’m certain I’d screw up marriage and kids.  Granted, I didn’t have any real models of a good marriage growing up.  Also, I have anger and rage issues from my abuse and worry I would inflict those on any kids I had.  I honestly worry about being abusive.  I know being abusive is largely a choice but still there is that fear. 

Sixth, I heard good advice about dealing with the past from a neighbor.  It was Mother’s Day and we were talking but I didn’t want to try to explain my mother.  My neighbor pointed out that if anything I survived and  I’m alive and focus on that and be grateful.  I thought that was actually pretty good advice.  Considering I get the impression from some people and from certain circles that what I experienced wasn’t abuse, that I made things up and was lying, and that I just need to become best friends with my mother and everything will be perfect. 

My mother was a bitch.  Plain and simple.  She was mean, manipulative, narcissistic, judgmental, belittling, two faced, played favorites, put me down, insulting, mentally unstable, played mind games, lied, hypochondriac, and just down right cruel.  She made sure I was afraid of her so that I lived in fear.  Of her, of being hit, of being sent to jail, of going to Hell and not the one in Michigan (yes there is a Hell, Michigan; look it up), of failing.  She was not a good mother.  There are days I wonder how I survived but I’m here.

I have a phone relationship with her but that’s all I can have with her.  She’s just too damaging to have directly in my life.  I’m better off without a mother.  Though I keep wanting one that will love me for me (and the next fruitcake that brings up the Blessed Virgin Mary as a substitute mother can go scrub floors with a toothbrush) (I don’t wasn’t to get into it).

I know, looking back, that I’ve made friends with a couple women hoping they would be the mother I wanted, I needed but that always blew up in my gave because many have ended up having some of the same terrible qualities as my mother.  I have to remind myself.I don’t have a mom.  I have a biological mother but not a mom, which is different.  And I never will. 
One of those things I have to let go. 

I’ll also probably never have a good best friend that I can share everything with.  I’ll have friends but never a best friend. 

Another thing to let go.

Also dreams and major success, not I really want “major success.”

And at this point the problems with the keyboard have pushed me to the edge so I’m stopping here.

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