Poems

Tears Again

Definite tears
This time it’s because you are so low on food that you are hungry but you probably won’t have money for another week, you feel ashamed and judged by the charity people who probably aren’t judging you but you are judging yourself so it doesn’t matter, and a friend that seems more interested in seeing you fail than helping you

Rice is not very satisfying

You feel like the worlds biggest idiot for being hungry, for even wanting food in the first place.  There are kids starving in Africa who are worse off than you.  You should be ashamed of yourself.  You should be grateful that you are hungry and have no money.  You have wealth beyond imagining.  Besides, you could stand to lose some weight anyways.  Nobody likes an ugly fat woman.  Soon you’ll just be an ugly woman.  Maybe dead which would make a lot of people happy.

The choice is a about a half a cup of rice (uncooked) or two scrambled eggs.

Not together.  You don’t want to waste food.  Those are separate meals.  Reducing the eggs to just one would make things last longer.

There’s also a stick of butter but that’s for baking.  Not that there’s any of that happening.  Baking should only happen when you have lots of money and food and a Real job.

That’s what it
Come down
To

A
Real
Job

With Real Money

Because being fired Was All
My
Fault
And therefore should have had another job
Just as soon as I was fired
Forget that I was severely harassed and bullied
Forget I was targeted
It was
All My Fault
Therefore I should be
Over It

Those people didn’t want me eating either. Women with real bodies are
Not Allowed.

Help is only for those they do not have to touch
Or see
Or deal with as actual human beings
Just throw garbage at them and if they aren’t grateful for it, refuse to ever help them again
They aren’t worth it
They are only there to make you look like you care, which you don’t but you plaster on the fake smile and dole out the fake caring to hide your disdain and disgust

The tears have stopped for now.

Still hungry but it’s rice or eggs and I don’t want either
Something with substance would be nice but again, no money
I hate this

_+_+_+_+_+_+

All About You

You take over the conversation
As usual
I am only there to listen
You don’t want to hear me speak
It’s all about you

You make plans then break them
My being inconvenienced doesn’t matter
It’s all about you

You repeat stories
Even when I say I’ve heard them before
You’re always the hero
Like I said
It’s all about you

You complain about finances
Then spend money on impulsive purchases
While I go hungry
Trying to keep a roof over my head
But you only see your want
It’s all about you

You make promises you’ll never keep
Say words I’ll never  believe
Give empty hugs
Close doors behind me as if I didn’t exist
It’s all about you

I shed tears while you glare at
Me
Strong emotions rattle you
You only want smiles and praise
It’s all about you

I’ve come to the point
It’s time
You make think it’s all about you
But I have to think about me

This isn’t a friendship
It’s a dictatorship
And I’m the victim
So I’m leaving

Not that you’ll notice
It’s still all about you

(((So I’ve been on a poetry kick lately.  Which is kind of nice since it’s been awhile since I’ve written poetry.  The first is about my emotional state with regards to the fact that I really am down to just eggs and rice to eat and an not sure about when I’ll next have money to buy food.  The second is about past friends and the way they’ve treated me so it’s a bit of a composite of people and maybe a little of my own past behavior.  I know I’ve done things, looking back even decades later, that I’m not proud of. I just hope I’ve changed enough that I don’t do them anymore.)))

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