You crash in
Carrying the ocean of your emotions as if a hurricane has sucked them all up. You release them not caring about the consequences, the blown down trees, the ripped roofs, the shattered windows, the complete destruction of a town. For you it’s all about
about you sharing
when nobody wants you to. The winds keep howling but you don’t hear them. You’ve moved on while I drowned.
I couldn’t breathe under that deluge. It may not have lasted forty days but it certainly felt Biblical.
Then you were back again, that ocean,
winds and rain and destruction. I still have water in my lungs from the first drowning. I can’t survive a second but that doesn’t matter to you.
It’s the same stories, all centered on you
When you aren’t sharing secrets that shouldn’t be told
You violate people, talking about them out of turn, saying things they’ve said in secret that you blare out for a wink and a smile.
Your own flesh and blood and you cut it mindlessly
because it serves to promote your superiority.
At least you don’t drown them in hurricanes,
just monsoon rains.
They’re used to it:
The second class civilization
The making it all about you
They’re living their own lives which you abhor. So you seek out others to control
You do to them what you did to your own flesh. Cuts and lies and gossip. But the hurricane as well.
I drown every time we meet. You love seeing me fade out of life. Your love is for you alone. There is nothing for me.
You drown me and take from me at the same time. I’m just food to you, a mindless snack that you’ll complain about later. But you’ll do it all again and again and again.
Drowning because you pull out the fear and the snake. Then it’s old time religion and snakebites and demanding me not to tell but only to protect you. But I keep drowning.
You keep the hurricanes moving but stationary. The floods amuse you. Watching me drown is your favorite show.
I know how to swim but you keep pushing
Water in lungs
Water, water everywhere
But it ain’t to drink
I see your face through the surface ripples. You’re smiling in glee. I’m drowning and it makes
This is religion for you. Hurricanes and drowning.
I’m not talking about the sun or the oven or a kitchen after a mad round of baking.
It’s the anger. The anger you engender in me. It burns through my veins, leaving me incapacitated
Not able to act or react
Cracking my teeth
Leaving me in pain, my jaw hurting and I can’t figure out why
I am stopped in my tracks, unable to move except to punish myself. Because I am not allowed anger nor rage
Those are YOUR emotions
My feelings are not to exist
You hit and scream and yell
And all I can do is take it
Thinking silently that one day I will get to do that to my own kids
Today I know that’s wrong but then it was comfort
Adults could hurt kids with impunity
Kids had to take it
Abuse only happened in other homes
So I took the screams that hurt my ears, the names the scored my skin, the violation of my boundaries just so you could rule your little dark kingdom
Waiting to grow up so I could finally hit back
Hit someone who couldn’t hit back themself
Someone weaker than me
That’s why I took my nails to my sister’s arm over a fight about dinner
Not that she was weaker She was more loved than I, well
She was loved and I wasn’t and I knew it
So striking Mother’s favorite was a way of striking back at Mother (not that I knew that then; all it got me was more screaming and pain while Favorite got her way, again)
But the anger and rage are still there
But now I can’t take them out on anybody
Well except myself which is what everybody wants
I am to be punished
I am told my anger and rage are unimportant
That they are made up
That they don’t exist
That if I act on them I’m only making things worse for myself
That if I feel them or acknowledge them in any way then I am an offense to God
I don’t exist except at their pleasure
Feelings only matter if you are a select group of people
Otherwise you are supposed to buy the lies and obey their demands
Feelings are BAD
Bad things will only happen to you if you feel them. Well happiness and pleasure in limits are okay but anger and rage and frustration and disappointment are illegal except for those in command
And you always bring them out in them
Maybe if you weren’t so useless
Maybe if I could actually hit back
Forget stupid convention
I just want to hit
To be in control
To not be the victim
To not be the unloved and unwanted child
To not be the ugly woman
To not be the subject of shame
To just not be
But that will never happen
I Said It
I hate you
I said it
You think I’m lying
You won’t take me seriously
But I tell the truth
I hate you
I hate your voice and the stupid way you dress (hello not a teenager any more so grow up)
I hate your favoritism and how you made sure you knew I knew that you wished I didn’t exist
I hate your double standards that only applied to me
I hate your stupid rules that were only about control
I hate how I’m not even a person to you
I hate how you praise and promote irresponsibility and immorality and put down self-control and respectability
I hate the put downs and name calling and just plain shaming because I didn’t fit your plans and didn’t make you the center of my life
I hate the screaming verbal abuse that made sure all I knew was fear and to be permanently jumpy at loud noises. Or even just hearing my name. My own name. Cringing and flinching which I have to hide. Remember, according to you and everyone else, I wasn’t abused. I was just a bad girl going to Hell
And I’m not talking about Hell, Michigan
I just wasn’t good enough
I hate how all you thought me going to college for was to get an MRS degree
Which I didn’t
I got a real bachelors with real weight
Then I got a second
So maybe I’m in debt that I currently can’t pay but I have real degrees,
traveled in foreign countries on my own,
worked in a male dominated industry,
gained respect from people who didn’t give it freely,
learned to do without and be happy,
can deal with emergencies without panicking,
can jumpstart a car and diagnose many car issues,
am willing to learn about fields and subjects outside my comfort zone,
can work with a disparate group of people,
have been sought out by my coworkers due to my abilities especially in problem solving and dealing with cranky individuals,
have been recognized for my abilities to do my job above and beyond and to take initiative,
am recognized as being a good listener and not taking sides in a dispute between two people,
am willing to take time to learn not just something new but also how to do something better,
Well you don’t care but I’ve done more without you than with you.
I still hate you
But I’m learning to love me
Actually, you don’t exist to me. You’re not worthy of my hate.