Archive for September, 2014

Spanking Allows Adults to Achieve Revenge Against Children

Spanking is the adult desire to retaliate against the child’s humiliation and embarassment of him/her.  The decision to spank is always done in anger.  Always.  The actual physical spanking may be done without acknowledged anger but anger completely colors the process from the beginning.

Spanking is used not as a means of true discipline but rather as a means of punitive mindless retaliation.  Revenge.  The adult feels humiliated by a child’s behavior and/or words and because the adult is so focused on how other people see them, perceive their parenting abilities, the adult spanks the child to cover up the embarassment and humiliation and to retaliate and seek revenge in response to that humiliation that is in a  disproportionate response to the child’s behavior or words. 

The child does something the adult doesn’t like, the adult becomes angry because they feel humiliated, and so they spank to alleviate those feelings of humiliation.  Spanking becomes about revenge.  In this, the child.”controls” the adult because the adult reacts to the child when a child doesn’t know any better or is still learning or it’s entirely on the adult’s whom.  So the adult spanks to wrest that “control” back and set the supposed balance of power back in order.  Which only lasts until the next time the child does something the adult thinks is wrong or angers the adult and spanking happens again.  It becomes cyclical.  Both lose.

Sp anking is about control.  Not obedience.  Just fear filled compliance.  Not only that but adults spank children because they lack control in their own lives as any control they can have, they take. Even ascribing power to a child who has none so that they can take that power.  Spanking a child is something the adult can control with the child in the driver’s seat “controlling” when they get spanked.  Spanking as control makes the adult feel as if they are in control. 

Spanking is also about power and having power over those that don’t have power and cannot have power.  Spanking is a form of “power” that can be meted out whenever the adult feels like it  and believes that children control the when it is meted out.  In the end, spanking is about assauging the anger and humiliation of the adult through retaliation and revenge on a child that has no power or control or choice or even humanity.

Not The Day I was Hoping For

After having to deal with a cantankerous digestive system at 4 am, I decided that I was still going to 11:30 Mass.  My alarm went off, my digestive system was still grumpy and put off going to Mass to 5:30.  All of this was prejudiced on the state of my digestive system (d.s.) which has been crankier than normal lately.  Got up around 3 and pretty much decided I wasn’t going to Mass.  D.S. was still a bit grumpy but I didn’t want to be rushing for the bathroom that wasn’t at home if I didn’t have to.

So I feel bad about missing Mass.  Could I still have gone even with my cranky d.s.?  Probably, but I didn’t.  Especially in light of the Gospel reading for the day: two songs who said one thing and did another.  I feel like I was the second son who said I was going to Mass but then didn’t go.  In the past, I’ve gone to Mass feeling far worse and even very sick.  I understand it’s okay  to miss if you’re sick but where’s the line?  Upset stomach and digestive system issues don’t seem like a good reason to miss. 

At this point, I don’t think it was a good enough reason to miss.  Like I said, I’ve gone to Mass sicker and even to work in much worse conditions.  Our society sees sickness as a character weakness that just needs to be gotten over or even outright ignored unless it’s very certain conditions.   Many Catholics think and believe the same way, especially if it involves others.

Since I’m going to Confession next weekend anyway, I’ll just confess it.  Better to consider it a sin than find a lame excuse.  Mercy is for other people anyways, not for me.

(And I now know what caused the upset.  Two different issues that just ended up colliding at the same time.)

Blast From The Past: Music

I had started this post after another post but stepped away. This post is about musicians/singers/groups from my childhood, junior high, and high school years.

John Denver

Yes, I like John Denver.  My mother would put on one of his records and clean in the first house we lived in.  My mother may be a jerk but I loved listening to John Denver.

Peter, Paul, and Mary

Yes, they might have been hippies but they were awesome.  I point my finger at my dad for turning me on to them.  “Puff the Magic Dragon” is still one of my favorites no matter if too many idiots think it’s a song about drugs.

Celine Dion

Yes, I like Celine.  Junior high and high school years held many of her hits.  I could sing along with her on the radio and hit all the same notes.

Michael Bolton

Last I heard of him was a song for Disney’s “Hercules” soundtrack but he was big for me as a kid and in junior high.

Bryan Adams

Big in the 90s but haven’t heard him since.  I learned to waltz to one of his songs.  Weird, I know but it was German Night.  I was in college, minoring in German, and you had to attend so many German Nights during the semester as part of the class requirements.  One happened to involve learning to waltz.  Strudel night was tastier.  And I still have the recipe for it.

Billy Joel

I used his song “River of Dreams” for a talk on a retreat.  Liked that song, don’t remember much of his other music.

Phil Collins

I love his song “In the Air Tonight”.That’s my favorite of his.  I love other songs of his but that one is still awesome even though it’s the same age as my youngest sister.

Jewel

She was big when I was in high school.  I liked her lyrics.

Alanis Morrisette, Natalie Merchant, Paula Cole

I loved many of their songs in junior high and high school.  A lot of them hit home for me, lyric wise.  Again, a lot of their music, the lyrics were very meaningful to me.

Shawn Colvin
Meredith Brooks
Natalie Imbruglia

Two one hit wonders for me.

Jewel, Alanis, Natalie, Paula, Natalie, Shawn, and Meredith were all major and powerful singers/songwriters for me growing up, especially since they were woman.  Their music was empowering to me especially since a lot of what I heard was some pathetic girl chasing after some man.  These woman didn’t really write songs like that.  They were different.

Matchbox 20

Catchy music, excellent lyrics.  Even Rob going solo for a while didn’t lessen my favor.

Blessed Union of Souls

A one or two hits back in the 90s.  One of my first CDs.  Some Christian group did a cover of their song “I Believe” and changed the lyrics and added words.  That was wrong.

Sting

Kind of in the same category as Phil Collins though different songs.  Just loved his music as a kid.

Signs It’s Fall in Oregon

1.  It’s raining.

2.  The geese that are heading south for the winter are flying overhead.  Some stay here.

3.  It’s raining.

4.  It’s dark by 7.

5.  There are leaves everywhere.

6.  People are wearing jackets.  But it’s still flip flip weather for a while longer.

7.  Did I mention the rain?

Abuse By Any Other Name

Is still abuse.  Calling it discipline, correction, spanking, etc. is still the hitting of a child.  Adults say they are doing it out of love and they think they are but in the end the adult gets to hit a child without consequence and the child suffers.  The adult says he’s spanking little Jimmy for hitting little Johnny but the adult is hitting Jimmy because Jimmy can’t hit back.

Little Jimmy can’t hit back.

Read that again.

Little Jimmy can’t hit back.  Dad or Mom can hit Jimmy all they want and Jimmy can’t defend.himself.  He’s a child.  He’s not a person, not an adult.  Hitting an adult might mean Mom or Dad getting hit back. They might get caught and charged with a crime.

A child just has to take it. 

Apparently, it’s wrong to hit a woman; it’s okay to hit a child as long as you don’t leave marks or get caught.  This is a stupid fucking double standard.

Too many Christians think hitting a child is acceptable as long as it’s called “spanking” or “discipline” and it’s done out of love.  And back it up with Old Testament verses.  But it’s still hitting a child, just now done in the name of Jesus. 

When will people learn hitting a child, even hitting a child in the name of Jesus, is wrong.  Parents are to protect their children, not hurt them so as to make the parents feel better.

Too many parents believe that they have free reign to terrorize, harass, threaten, coerce, manipulate, hit their own children as long as they don’t get caught and that everyone else is doing it. 

When did become acceptable to hit children and to not hit adults?

When did it become acceptable to use Jesus and the Bible as your pathetic excuse to abuse your children?

When did it become acceptable to say it’s okay to hit your kids but not okay to rape them?

When did it become acceptable to say that the abuse you suffered at the hands of your parents was acceptable and that you even deserved it?

When did it become acceptable to support abusers as long as they are celebrities or have money or know the right people?

When did it become acceptable to think of children as worthy of abuse and unworthy of respect?

When did it become acceptable to consider children as not real people?

When did become acceptable to blame victims instead of the abuser’s?

When did it become acceptable to throw away children in the name of money?

Things I Shouldn’t Do

1.  Read news articles about health especially anything doing with weight.  I find out I’m considered morbidly obese for my height and weight even though if you look at me you won’t see.  And a friend found out and fat shamed me even though this person is morbidly obese and refuses to do anything about it.  My mother fat shamed me for most of,my life.  I’m still learning to like my body. Besides, I’m actually pretty health, just need to lose a few pounds which will happen eventually.

2.  Not go for my walk for three days.  I’m a little more sore than normal but overall I should be walling as much as possible.  I need the exercise.

3.  Tell myself not to do something and end up doing it anyway.  So I was not to think about the friend I’m having issues with.  What do I do?  Daydream where she’s absolutely horrible to me.  Yeah, very dumb and all I do is end up more angry.

4.  Read stupid blogs especially certain Christian and Catholic ones because they just make me angry.  They keep spouting off garbage that is NOT Church teaching and best people over the head for not conforming to their demands.

5.  Engage in negative self talk.  I’m pretty good at putting myself down.  I’ve had years of practice.  And I still end up with people in my life who continue to put me down and shame me.

6.  Not let myself be touched or hugged when I don’t want to be touched or hugged.  Body language doesn’t seem to work with my friend and telling her won’t do any good if she refuses to read body language.

Book Review: Mother, Mother

Major trigger warning for the book if you have ever been abused by a narcissist, been verbally, mentally, emotionally, and/or spiritually abused.   I would advise not reading this book if any of that applied to.

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This book was triggering for me because the way Josephine talked and behaved towards Violet and Will was so reminiscent of my mother and the friend I’m having issues with.

The book starts off with Violet being admitted to a psychiatric hospital after allegedly attacking her brother Will with a knife.  The story flips between her and Will’s point of view.  There is also Douglas, the alcoholic father, whom Will and Josephine thinks is having an affair (he’s not; it’s his AA sponsor), that he’s abusive (he’s the one being abused by Josephine though he honestly doesn’t have any sort of backbone). 

There is also Rose, the oldest daughter, who ran away from home.  But may have come back to hurt the family.  You learn about her abortion that her mother manipulated her into and then tortures her afterward for getting the abortion.  But she ran away over a year ago. And yet, did she really run away?

Will is his mother’s champion as pretty much sides with her in everything.  The autism diagnosis, the epilepsy, the homeschooling are all used to isolate him.  Add in Josephine’s picking out his clothes, dressing him for bed, using him as a confidant and confessor, using him as a full in for Douglas her husband, and you can see how twisted and evil and abusive Josephine really is.  She punishes him by putting a sticker on the back of her office door, makes put his nose to it and stand there while she reads the Bible to him.  Will is messed up but he is too ensnared, enmeshed in his mother’s grasp to notice.

This is one twisted, fucked up family.  I was pretty  sympathetic to Violet since I knew what it was like to have my words and actions manipulated.  Not to the extreme she did but it was family.  So was the isolation of siblings from each other.  My mother did that too.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to read this book after only being 30-40 pages in and being triggered.  I’m not sure I’m glad I finished it but it was interesting to see I was right about a few things.

A recommend, see warning at top of post


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