Not So Good

Spending time with my one friend left me emotionally off kilter last night and a so far most of today.  Her eldest child is getting married next month and the bridal shower is tomorrow.  Being currently unemployed, I have no money to buy a gift but I am already working on the wedding present (which won’t be ready for the wedding but I plan on giving it as a Christmas present since I knew I needed time to put it together).

I could have come up with a present for tomorrow on my own.  Actually, I already did.  But my friend decided to buy a gift for me to give.  Even planned on how it should look and what I should do and how to do it.  Didn’t ask me for my impute at all, except in paints.  I honestly thought it was a gift my friend was giving and just wanted my help.  No, it was supposed to be a gift from me.

To me, buying a gift for me to give to another adult is rude and tasteless and disrespectful to me and the person I’m giving the gift to.  It tells me I can’t be trusted to make a choice on my own so I have to be watched and have my hand held so I don’t go making decisions and choices my friend doesn’t agree with.

It’s like dealing with my mother all over again.  The lack of control.

Granted, I let my friend do this to me because I’ve learned it’s just easier to let others have their way than to stand up for myself.  So I was crying last night and have been in tears on and off today.  I also haven’t done anything on my to do list for today because I just needed time to myself and let myself have a day off.  I may still go for my walk but I may not.  I haven’t quite decided.

Hell, I even considered, seriously considered not going to the bridal shower.  The bride’s friend emailed me back (finally) and at least I don’t have to deal with my friend very much at the shower if I don’t want to.  Still have to figure out when I’m going to Mass since I can’t go at my usual time.

If nothing else, I’ll be baking cookies later.  And cookies are always good.

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