Archive for December, 2014

Foggy Bottom

This is good curl up with a book weather.  And apple beef stew weather.

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Awesome

Largely what my day was.

1. I was up before noon. Huge deal though now I’m tired.

2. I saw a double rainbow.  However, there is no gold at the end, only Lucky Charms cereal (the leprechauns like the marshmallows).

3. I got to see two friends I hasn’t seen in over a year and a half.  They got pumpkin bread from me.

4. As part of visiting my friends, I had to drive onto the campus where I used to work for evil security company.  I had been so afraid of going there but the physical place isn’t so much the problem as it was certain people.  Thankfully I didn’t have to deal with those idiots because I timed my visit so that they would be gone for the day.

5.  Today was just a good day emotionally.  It really felt like a good day.

6. Chocolate.  Need I say more?

7. Fill in the black: It’s not ________, it’s ________.

Stepping Out

I finally went for a walk, again.  I hadn’t walked since the end of September.  But today after looking outside and then opening my front door to see if anything was taped to it, it felt nice so I decided to go for a walk.  Twenty minute walk which was good.  But I needed it and am glad I went.

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Yes, tomatoes.

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I got these lovely tomatoes yesterday at the store.  I just picked up this bunch, checked to see if they were squishy(they weren’t) and now lovely tomatoes in my fridge. 

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Yes my fridge is really that empty.  But the tomatoes totally spice the place up.  I also love the way they smell.  Yes, I am gushing over tomatoes.

Important

I am safe.

I am okay.

My boundaries are good for me.

Shit belongs down the toilet and only down the toilet.

No is a full and complete sentence.

My world does not and will not revolve around you.

Respect is not a four letter word.

I am entitled to make my own decisions.

God is not a hammer.

Hammer and nails are only to be used to build houses, not tear down people.

My appearance does not dictate how you get to treat me.

Shaming me only demonstrates how pathetic and miserable you really are.

Friends are not cardboard to be manipulated at your convenience.

I do not tolerate liars.

Why Yes…

I am fat.

There.  I said it.  I’ve admitted what everyone else has seen. What everyone else has said is the worst thing about me.  About how ugly and stupid I am for being fat.  How everyone has judged me and found me worthless.

Why am I fat?  I am not a pig.  I don’t gorge myself.  I don’t eat that much sugar.  I don’t drink soda at all.  I like certain veggies and I eat protein.  I don’t eat cereal or pasta or prepackaged foods.  I can’t stamd potato chips. I rarely eat candy. 

But I’m fat.

So of course I’m doing something wrong.  It must be too much sugar or eating portions that are too big or too many calories.  Remember, being fat is a moral failing.

But I’m fat.

I’m fat because I really am ugly.
I’m fat because I really am stupid.
I’m fat because I don’t want to be thin.
I’m fat because I was abused.
I am fat because food never made me feel ashamed of myself.
I’m fat because food is constantly being used as a weapon.
I’m fat because I’m unlovable.
I’m fat because I was not loved.
I am fat because I was bullied in school.
I’m fat because I never fit in.
I’m fat because I want born a girl and not a boy.
I’m fat because I’m surrounded by fat people who hate me because they hate themselves.
I’m fat because my mother constantly told me I was fat growing up.

I am fat.

Do I need a reason?

Remember, being fat is a moral failing so of course I need a reason, need to explain myself.

But do I hate my body? 

It isn’t perfect but I’m used to it. 

I think pretty is overrated.  I refuse to wear makeup to cater to a sexist agenda of beauty and youth. What you see is what you get. 

I think the BMI is useless and worthless and way too judgmental. 

I think fashion designers and celebrities get it wrong. 

So yeah, I’m probably only good enough to be the evil and ugly step-sister and even then I’m too ugly.

Guys aren’t interested in me. 
Women ignore me or hate me. 
People don’t want me around.

But food doesn’t care.  It has no vested interest in anything.  So it’s easy to go to for soothing.  No judgments, no shaming, no name calling.  It he’s no agenda, no politics, no meaning.  Food just exists.  It’s just there. 

In the end, I’m still fat.

Blue

A color.  The color of depression for some.  I tend toward black or no color at all.

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I spent last week in the worst depression yet.  I was so numb, so lifeless that I could barely eat.  It’s never been that bad for me.  This past week was until Saturday night/Sunday morning when I could not sleep at all so was up nearly thirty hours.  Nearly did it again Monday, Tuesday but caught a nap which sort of helped but also made things worse. I had a pretty decent day up till I went shopping.  I thought my week was getting better. Nope.

Apparently shopping yesterday (I really needed a new pair of jeans), was just too much.  I was only an hour or a little more than but I was drained and overwhelmed.  I had to sit in my car, in the quiet, for twenty minutes.  A quick to trip to the grocery store and I was out maybe two hours.  But those were two overwhelming and exhausting hours.  So bad that I slept fourteen hours today and didn’t get up until after 4. 

At least I didn’t have plans but I didn’t realize that yesterday was going to be so much.  I’ve always disliked shopping but now it’s pretty close to hate. It was just too much.  It’s not so bad when I know what I need and can get it quickly.  I can be in and out.  And I only go shopping when I absolutely have to.  So I will never be someone who shops for pleasure.  It’s just too much and I’m overwhelmed.


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