I Get It

I get it, okay?

I get that I am a failure. 

I get that you’re disappointed in me.

I get that you hate helping me.

I get it that you wish I was dead.

I wish I was dead.

I get it that it was my fault that I was fired.

I get it that it’s my fault that I’m still unemployed.

I get it that people are embarrassed by me.

I get it that there must be something fundamentally wrong with me.

I get it that I should never have been born.

I get it that I’m just a mistake.

I gett it that if I had just shut up and put up I would still have a job and you wouldn’t have to give me money.

I get it that I should forget standing up for myself and just let people walk all over me.

I get it that I should work on pleasing others and never worry about what I want.

I get that I am a bad girl going to hell.

I get it that I’m unlovable.

I get it that I’m stupid even with two college degrees.

I get it that my only purpose is to get married and have kids and obey my husband in everything even though I’m not married.

I get it that I’m ugly and fat.

I get it that I should hate me. And I do.

I get it okay.  I’m keeping my mouth shut and letting you run my life so you’ll be happy and I’ll be miserable which is what you always wanted. 

If I could just break my arms or slit my wrists, everything would be better. 

I keep applying to jobs but I haven’t heard back from any.  So still a failure.  I know my parents hate helping me and are going to cut me off soon.  My mother has always considered me a failure and a loser and hates helping me in any way and tells me constantly how much a disappointment I am and how I’ve failed her my entire life.  She also reminds me how stupid I am and how my younger sisters are so much smarter and much better off financially and how much prettier they are and how many friends they have and how useless I’ve always been compared to them and how they were perfect children while I was always needing to be punished.  She doesn’t need to use words now to tell me these things.  She just has to call me and I already know the conversation.

I keen doing what everybody wants but nothing gets better.  I do what I want and everything gets a hundred times worse.  Some days I really want to die. The pain is so bad and nothing I do makes it better.  What’s the point?

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7 Responses to “I Get It”


  1. 1 hbhatnagar 27 February 2015 at 11:28 PM

    The point? That’s what keeps us going for some reason. Will it be worth it, living long enough to find the answer to that question? I don’t know. I just hope it is worth something to you when you reach that point.

    • 2 pacbox 28 February 2015 at 12:27 AM

      Do you ever have one of those shitty weeks that you didn’t know was a shitty week until Friday? And then everything just hit? That’s my week and why I wrote this post. I was actually going to delete it when I got your comment. All that I wrote has been going through my head. And while I’ll never commit suicide, the thoughts are still there. I think the biggest thing is that it’s been almost two years now that I’ve been unemployed and I still don’t have a job. Other people I know who were unemployed got jobs quickly but here I am still jobless and even though I’m applying to jobs nothing seems to change. I just feel more worthless and useless.

      • 3 hbhatnagar 28 February 2015 at 2:44 AM

        I don’t even realize when the week goes by, it’s been like this for 3 years. I can imagine how scary joblessness can be. Why you didn’t find a job till now, well, it’s a shitty unfair world and we try to deal with it as we can. Don’t be ashamed of your thoughts about suicide, they’re a sign of the turmoil you’re going through. I don’t talk about hope much, but keeping at it is all we have, such as it is. Keep posting, there are much better pep talkers than me out here. I know, I’ve been helped in some ways by many.

  2. 4 lunafay18 28 February 2015 at 4:02 AM

    You are are not worthless or a failure. You are human. Don’t give up and don’t let the negative talk in your head bring you down. I know it’s easier said than done. Take care and I wish you the best.

  3. 5 lynettedavis 28 February 2015 at 7:10 PM

    Lies. All lies. Don’t believe the lies. The lies are meant to destroy you. Don’t believe any of them. You are NOT worthless.

  4. 6 Anna Waldherr 22 March 2015 at 11:00 AM

    If you have survived your pain, you are not a failure. It is not your purpose in life to meet the expectations of others, certainly not those of family members incapable of loving you.

    Life is always better than death. Choose life… if nothing else to spite your detractors (small joke).

    It may have been your fault that you were fired. Then again, maybe not. Sexual harassment is against the law. Maybe what you need is the advice of a lawyer, not the advice of a family member.

    If you are the sole individual responsible for this recession, corporate downsizing nationwide, and the outsourcing of millions of jobs, I have a bone to pick with you. If not, you’re one of millions impacted.

    Unemployed (adjective): available to work, but currently without a paying job. NOT embarrassing. NOT fundamentally wrong. NOT a mistake.
    With two college degrees, you’re obviously not stupid. Make sure you seek validation from someone actually capable of giving it to you. Some people are simply blind. Others may find it easier to focus on your supposed defects, rather than theirs.

    Anyone saying you should limit yourself – rather than use the gifts God gave you – may be worried about their own limitations right about now. May have been worried about them all along.

    Self-blame is a paralyzing form of abuse. Don’t engage in it. If you’ve made mistakes, learn from them. That’s how life works for all of us. Criticism that convinces you that you can do nothing right will result in your doing nothing at all.

    Best Wishes,

    A.

  5. 7 Kent Jones 29 March 2015 at 10:30 AM

    Wow, do we have the same parents? Impossible, mine are protestant, yet..the same abusive behavior comes from both parents AND in-laws. In the 1930’s our parents were taught Facism in school(check- this is TRUE) because of a wide held belief at the time that capitolism was ending, or failing. My relatives and in-laws all believe in conditional love and especially scapegoating to the extreme. Do their will or suffer the consequences of being left out. I could go on. You can delete this part if you want: In my own desparation to start my own business, after being out of work over a decade, I set up a writing contest in hopes of starting a business that helps those in our exact position. My solution involves websites(in development) that will allow people to start any business at no cost, or very low cost( a Gyp free zone). Basically an actual fair home business with unlimited expandibility. For now, I am trying to gather customers with a writers contest(See ArtDaisy.com and ezine.artdaisy.com) and a $250 prize that WILL be awarded to the best writer. It ends May 10, but I only have 12-15 registered and ONE article – a poem. IF YOU want to enter, any of your material already written here on this blog looks good to me, you could just cut and paste any of this blog and you will qualify. A sort of parallel universe to mine! I would also welcome more people like us to start a dialog. Sorry so long, this is not sales spam, I am reading this because I like it.
    – Kent


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