Archive for June, 2015

Walking On Eggshells


I spent most of my life after my sisters were born walking on eggshells around my mother.  I never knew what was going to set her off.  Though most of the time it didn’t involve me doing anything. 

I was always afraid.  Afraid of the explosion.  Going from quiet monster to raging bull running down Spanish streets.  And I was always in the way no matter where I hid. Rage, rage.  Screaming and yelling.  I could always hear her, no matter what.  The venom dripping.  The insults, the put downs, the damning me to hell.  Nothing calmed this beast because she loved to rage in her power.

So I was always afraid.  Terrified of setting her off.  Never knowing the trigger or location of the trap.  My sisters never had to worry about the raging bull.  She might raise her voice at them but apologize and then point the finger at me and then the bombardment would begin.  They only had to deal with upset that would soon calm down.  I was the only one who had to face rage.

I was terrorized into my fear.  And constantly abused to stay there. My mother loved to see my cowering and hiding, my shivering fear.  She fed off that fear which made her feel powerful.  She didn’t have to carry out threats, only make them.  I was that afraid and believed all too well what I thought would happen.  Threats were never carried out but I believed the lies.  They only had to be true once.

Not just the going to hell but also being arrested by police (I was still a young child) because my mother would have called them to come and get me.  Remember,  the lies were absolute truths to me.

I still live with that fear.  Still afraid of setting someone off, though not my mother so much, any more.  But afraid.  Constantly afraid, especially of failure because no one likes failure so that gives them permission to rant and rage and hit.


LGBTQ “Rights”

Update : I posted this and then found out that the Supreme Court had ruled in favor of “gay marriage.” Please pray because I will not let this world be destroyed by such horrible acceptance of sin. I still cannot fathom how legislating sin can be beneficial because it isn’t. It’s damaging and destructive. We are killing ourselves so willingly and gladly. The Catholic Church will now be under greater attack.

Rights and priveleges are two different things.  Yet the LGBTQ “rights” movement would have you believe they are the same exact thing.

They aren’t.


United States Supreme Court

Rights are, according to Merriam Webster dictionary “qualities (as adherence to duty or obedience to lawful authority) that together constitute the ideal of moral propriety or merit moral approval :something to which one has a just claim: the power or privilege to which one is justly entitled.”

Civil rights are “the nonpolitical rights of a citizen; especially :the rights of personal liberty guaranteed to United States citizens by the 13th and 14th amendments to the Constitution and by acts of Congress.”

Privileges are defined as “a right or benefit that is given to some people and not to others: a special opportunity to do something that makes you proud: the advantage that wealthy and powerful people have over other people in a society” (Merriam Webster dictionary).


A courtroom where "gay rights" have been forced on citizens by judicial fiat in many states and want the Supreme Court to force on all states

So the “gay rights movement”, “gay marriage rights”, etc. are misnomers.  They are designed to mislead and get people to accept a lie.

Gays, any letter of LGBTQ, have rights.  They have the right to marry someone of the opposite sex.  They have the right to vote.  They have the right to be free from discrimination in employment, housing, and medical care due to state and federal legislation.

But what they want are privileges.  They want special privileges that no one else has.  They want to be the ruling class.  They want to be the haters, the discrimantors, the judges, the juries, and executioners of what they consider acceptable and not acceptable.  Many gays, lesbians, queers, and trans are more bigoted, more abusive, more phobic, and more dangerous than any alleged straight homophobe.

Homophobe is inaccurately defined as anyone who isn’t a full supporter of “gay rights” and their agenda.  True homophobia is rare.  But that doesn’t work for “gay rights” activists.  They demand they everyone accept their views and opinions without exception and anyone who disagrees is labeled a bigot.  They are just as bigoted as those they accuse of homophobia, actually more so.

The thing is, LGBTQ “rights” and their lifestyles are a complete dead end.  A failure.  No one wins.  Everyone loses.  There is no future in these things.  Only destruction and great loss.

Now, not all gays are like this.  But the vocal bullies are. Hell, they will behave the same way towards fellow gays who do not tow their party line.  And theses same vocal bullies are out to destroy anyone and anything that gets in their way.

It’s particularly telling how many people who leave an abusive fundamentalist  environment take to the gay lifestyle and it’s “rights” activism.  They think they are leaving their abusive environment and beliefs behind but they aren’t.  They are engaging in the same abusive behaviors they claim to hate and have left behind.  In many cases, I have found them to be much more abusive than their alleged abusers. 

As a Catholic who is faithful to the Church, I agree that discrimination against someone for their sexual orientation is wrong.  But supporting traditional marriage between one man and one woman does not make me a bigot.  I do not hate gays and never have.  I find their actions and behaviors sinful, however, and dangerous to themselves and others.

Marriage is not based solely on love.  It is based on holiness and the procreation of children.  Love factors in but it is not the only factor to make a marriage.  And two gay people or a trans person cannot truly give their whole self to their partner in sex.  They engage in selfish sexual acts, not self-donation and the procreation of children.  Homosexuality, bisexuality, and trans are selfish orientations.  They are oriented to the self and its pleasure rather than seeking and supporting the elevation of their spouse.

Gay “parents” are far more likely to kick a straight child out of the house or abuse that child (I’ve seen it) than straight parents kick a gay child out (many of those stories are lies told to make the “victim” look better or come off as more of a “victim”; many times it is the child who leaves because they want to engage in destructive behaviors the parents find dangerous and are trying to protect their child by stopping them).  But the media supports the lies because they sell and truth doesn’t.

So the truth is that gays want special privileges and not rights and will bully, harass, and terrorize until they get them.  We live in a world of pain, death, and destruction that has become celebrated as life and liberty.  We no longer see evil as bad but rather as good and see good as evil.  We are killing are selves and doing so with a smile on our face because pleasure and sex are the ultimate end of life instead of small things that make up life.

Erasing Curves

Which isn’t really possible. Do you know why thin is considered the only “acceptable” female form?  Straight lines are easy to erase.  Curves are not.

Think of a drawing.  Straight lines take little work to make and little work to remove.  Curvy lines take more effort and work, are more deliberate.  More dangerous.

Now think of a straight stretch of highway versus a stretch of highway full of curves alongside mountains and switchbacks.  The straight stretch is easy to navigate, open, simple to use, and doesn’t require a lot of effort.  The stretch with curves and switchbacks is much more difficult to navigate, having to be aware of your environment, the road itself, signage about curves and how fast to take them, and so much more mentally and physically intensive.  More dangerous if you make a mistake or there are problems with the road.

A thin woman is easy to erase out of existance.  She doesn’t have a body or so little of a body that it is easy to ignore and erase.

Curvy women, fat women, well, they can’t be erased.  Their bodies exist and cannot be easily removed.  Their bodies are in your face, so to speak.  You cannot ignore a fat woman’s body.  That woman exists, is real.

Having a body allows a person to exist, to engage in the world, to make an impact, to give voice to ills and pains and sorrows and joys and pleasures.  A body makes you real.  Bodies are not objects but an act of creation by God aided by your parents.

But we live in a world that is actively out to erase women and their existence.  And women encourage and even take part in this erasure of half of humanity.  All in the name of “health” and even “beauty” or even “rights”.  It is all a bunch of lies.

An Ice Cream Bar Kind of Day

Or the proof that BMI is a complete fail.

Since I’ve been reading up on fat acceptance lately, I’ve been working on how I view myself.  Several interesting reads that I plan on reviewing here but not in this post.

Last night, I was looking at my previous parish’s event photos.  I was hoping for a photo to use on my LinkedIn profile since I don’t currently have a photo up.  Found photos from when Fr. J was installed (yep, you install priests; in this case, it’s a special rite and I got to be part of it).  So I’m looking at myself and thinking how “thin” I look.  Which, at the time, I considered myself fat and in need of losing weight so considering myself “thin” is highly questionable. This was six years ago. Unfortunately, the photo won’t work (doesn’t crop well).

At some point, I decide it would be a “good” (read really bad) idea to check my BMI.  Now, after reading fat acceptance books and knowing how inaccurate BMI actually is, checking it is probably an act of futility.  And I used four (4) different calculators to check.  Only one asked me for sex.  Back in September I had a BMI of 31 (“obese”) and will only a five (5) pound gain I now have a BMI of 33.5 (again, “obese”). 

Disclaimer or The Facts: I am 5’7″.  I wear clothes largely in medium or in some cases, large.  Yes, I’m “overweight” and look it.  However, except for GIRD, probably IBS, and depression and anxiety, I’m healthy.  I eat pretty healthy (hey, I bake my own cookies from scratch because store bought ones taste terrible).  And I could always work on exercising more.  But I’m healthy.

But according to BMI, I’m obese.  Actually, after weighing myself this morning (a few more pounds gained since Sept), I’m now into “morbid obesity” range (BMI over 35).  And it takes less than a five (5) pound gain to bring me to that point.

So I honestly believe that BMI is harmful and useless.  It does not help in any way though all the major medical associations think it is the perfect diagnostic tool in determining “obesity”.  My weight has very little to do with my health.  I am fat but not excessively so.  But “obese” means rivers of fatty flesh that is “disgusting” which again goes back to considering weight a moral issues instead of just a number.  Considering America has been heavily influenced by Puritanism and Calvinism, no wonder we like to judge and shame for perceived moral failings instead of actual moral failings.

Which set me off.  Or more accurately, brought me down.  Here was the “proof” I had once been “thin” and acceptable so all I had to do was loose weight and everything would be better again.  I didn’t emotionally eat and kept the one fat acceptance book to reread as a means to bolster myself.  I also didn’t have an appetite which probably came from a subconscious belief that if I didn’t eat, then I would lose weight and go back to that “thin”, acceptable person.

I did find ice cream bars at the grocery store for cheap and with more in the box than the name brand. So I treated myself to ice cream bars and ate one for dinner.  Well, I ate one in the car sitting in the parking lot at the grocery store because I needed to eat otherwise my blood sugar would have dropped too  low.

I hate that I still want that “thin” body.  Diets don’t work.  And I would probably have to starve myself to get back to that point that I was and I wouldn’t have it for long.  But I already eat pretty healthy  (other than the sweet tooth).  I just need to work on exercising more.  I do not have to lose weight to be healthy.  A thin body will not make me friends.  Or make my mother love me.  These things will not change.  I have friends.


I ended up doing a lot today.

Woke up before noon only to find the ants had definitely come back.  So I called the apartment manager to have an exterminator cone out and spray.  They’ll be out tomorrow.  I’m glad it was so easy this time to just call, explain the problem, and have it dealt with.

Killed the ants in the shower/bathtub and grabbed a quick shower.  Went and dealt with the Post Office stuff I needed to do.  Ate lunch and then headed out to do the big things.

I had to go to DEQ to test and renew tags.  They now have a self-service lane so I was in and out pretty quickly.  Getting there took nearly an hour, however, due to taffic.  There was a car accident that took out the electrical box for the traffic lights at an intersection and people had to slow down to look.  Then there was construction.  But actual DEQ was quick.

Then I had to make a return.  That wasn’t so bad but then did a fitting to make an exchange.  Of course, it decided to rain. 

Traffic going home was bad because that intersection was still without power and so it had turned into a three way stop (the one street doesn’t go all the way through).  Got more lettuce and tomatoes for salad.  Filled up the gas tank.  Picked up a book I had requested.  Now I’m home.

I’m not going out tomorrow.  I’ve done a lot in the last few days.  And the exterminator is coming, so I have to be until he gets here.  But when dealing with anxiety and depression any activity is good.

Some really bad puns from the vet office and appliance store I drove by.

What did the Dogfather say?

I’ll make you an off-fur you can’t re-fur-se.

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

Yes, they really are that bad.

A Day

Three days in a row I’ve managed to get out of my apartment and do something.  When dealing with depression and anxiety, this is a big deal.


Old College Hall, Pacific University

This is the oldest educational building West of the Mississippi.  This is on campus of my alma mater. It’s current location is a result of a move they made back in 2004/2005 when they started to build the new library.  (New to me since they built it after I graduated and repurposed the old library.) I love the view of it with the trees behind it.


I rang the bell when I first started.  You also ring when you graduate which I didn’t get to do since they weren’t doing it at the time. The first floor now holds a chapel and reception room while the upstairs holds a musuem.  The upstairs had been the science department back around the beginning of the 1900s.


Type this later, if I remember.

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